Note to self

Dudes, my emotions - they've been a-swirlin'.  My gas tank is on empty and I've got nowhere to turn.  The personal drama meter is higher than it's ever been and it's taking everything I've got to simply keep it between the fences.  My only comfort is that I'm not the first person to be in this situation and I won't be the last, and while I put this here to remind myself more than anyone, maybe it'll help someone else.

I was googling around for inspiration and strength and this is what spoke to me (bolding mine):

The best advice I can give you is that as soon as you feel yourself getting "sucked in," take a step back and remind yourself that it's not your responsibility to please everyone or make everyone around you happy. Accept that you cannot change their perspectives or their personalities, and don't take their issues on your own shoulders. Minimize your exposure as much as possible and spend more time with those who lift you up vs. bring you down. source

And since there's been all kinds of fighting lately, it would probably be a good thing to remember those rules for fighting fair, as I hang my head in shame that I've been breaking so so many of them.

Take it private and keep it private.
Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally — all because you don't have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately.

Keep it relevant.
Don't bring up old grudges or sore points when they don't belong in a particular argument. Put boundaries around the subject matter so that a fight doesn't deteriorate into a free-for-all.

Keep it real.
Deal with the issue at hand, not with a symptom of the problem. Get real about what is bothering you, or you will come away from the exchange even more frustrated.

Avoid character assassination.
Stay focused on the issue, rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your partner personally. Don't let the fight degenerate into name-calling.

Remain task-oriented.
Know what you want going into the disagreement. If you don't have a goal in mind, you won't know when you've achieved it.

Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity. How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you — perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke — and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement.

Be proportional in your intensity.
Every single thing you disagree about is not an earth-shattering event or issue. You do not have to get mad every time you have a right to be.

There's a time limit.
Arguments should be temporary, so don't let them get out of hand. Don't allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely. source

I literally don't even want to see these words because how often have I popped off at the mouth because I have something to say right that second and have not been more cognizant of my daughter being in the room.  I will exercise self-control for the sake of my daughter.

I'm actually pretty good at keeping it relevant, so there's that.  And then I crash back down, because I am a character assassination QUEEN.  I can name-call with the best of them and I'm too good at hitting below the belt.  I will keep it clean for the sake of my daughter.

And oh my Lord, retreat with dignity.  Raise your hand if you're good at that one, and then tell me how to do it.  I can't count how many fights have ended because we're just too exhausted to fight anymore, not because anything has been fixed.  That one is a skill that I must learn and master because I only know how to fight to win, and by win, I mean beat my opponent to a bloody pulp.  I will learn to accept apologies with dignity and grace so I can teach my daughter.

These words have helped me and perhaps they will help someone else.  The next thing I have to learn is how to employ these tactics in the face of those who don't fight fair.  How to keep it relevant and dignified when it's MY character being destroyed, because that's what makes me see red and go searching for your jugular.  How to maintain self-control when MY buttons are being pushed.

But I must learn these things, I must do better because regardless of the nonsense I have to deal with, regardless of the lies that are told about me, I must do better because I am a Mother and that means something.  I must live the life I want my daughter to emulate.  I will fall short but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't try.  Every day.

Every day.