Another Monday

Spending time in KC was really nice, just like old times.  It was good to spend time with my dad and have him back to his ridiculous childish self.  Although he absolutely wore me out - it was like he wanted to make up for the year we didn't speak in the four days I was there.  I'm so glad I was staying at Kathleen's house; if I wasn't I would never have seen her, and it was nice to have a place to take a time-out.

When you begin to piece together the events of a tragedy, all the places where you took a left turn instead of a right become so glaringly clear.  However, what's that saying?  All roads lead to the same place or something like that?  I don't fucking know.  No matter how many turns I took, they all ended up in the same place.  Dead Babyland.

If I had stayed with my doctor and kept my next appointment with her, they would have found out much sooner.  If my cousin didn't work at an OB's office, I would have found out much later.  If she had worked at a Burger King, I would have been alone when I found out, a week and a half later than I did, at the stranger-back-up physician's office.  But all roads lead to the same place.

I was 14 weeks and they fit me in Monday afternoon.  My cousin was sick - she's pregnant too, how about that?  I was due April 19, she IS due May 2.  We were going to have our babies together and she hated my guts because she was puking hers up and I wasn't.  Almost daily she would call me and ask "Are you sick?  No?  I hate you."  We'd laugh and talk about the babies' first birthday party that we'd have for them.

I just wanted someone to get heart tones for me - I thought it would be a pop-in and pop-out kind of thing.  That's why I didn't even tell Drew that I was doing it.  It seemed so insignificant.  Just another thing on the errand list for me and my mom.

Lorena didn't like her office - she said that they were very Johnson County (snobbish and don't criticize - the stereotype was there long before me) and that they gossiped about the patients and ostracized her for not participating.  But she has a 2-year old and another on the way so she needed the job and it was around the corner from her apartment.  She has since been fired and I'm worried for her.  Her boyfriend works but I don't know what he does.

They took me back to the ultrasound room.  I thought I was just getting the Doppler again, but an ultrasound works too.  I was excited that my mother and my cousin would be there with me to see the baby.  The tech was very no-nonsense and I wouldn't have liked her if this was my doctor's office - but it wasn't so I brushed it off.  She squirted the jelly and almost instantly the baby's image came up.  The little profile was as clear as day.  I couldn't really make out the body but I saw the head.  She swirled the wand, making the image disappear and then come back and then she froze the screen and stepped out of the room.

"Is that the little dude or dudette?"
"Yup" my cousin said.
"Why isn't is moving?"
"'Cause she paused it, dork."
"Oh."

I'd had a big lunch with my parents right before my appointment where I'd had about fifty glasses of tea and I was really feeling it.  I didn't go beforehand because I thought a full bladder was good for a belly ultrasound.  So when she came back in and told me to empty my bladder, I was confused.  But whatev, where's the bathroom?  I have to pee anyway.

I peed for what seemed like forever, saying 'I win' when I stood up. I went back in, for a vaginal ultrasound this time.  Then my mind started to split.  Two ultrasounds in one day is not good, no matter what.  Left turn, right turn.  Then the wand was inside.

The baby's image came up again.  Exactly as it had before.  Exactly where it was before.  She didn't pause the screen and it didn't move.  The Crazy Brain side of my mind knew.  The Rational Brain, that keeps you moving and walking and breathing became very occupied with breathing and not shaking.  Crazy Brain whispered, it's coming. 

"The baby's heart is not beating."
"What?  Are you serious?" The stupidest question in history, I know.  Of course she was fucking serious.  There is a special place in hell for people who joke about dead babies.  She wasn't going to say 'my bad' and un-pause the screen so I could see the beating heart.  She was going to do two ultrasounds and be real fucking sure of what she was going to say before she said it.

"How far along are you?"
Rational Brain thought and whispered, "14 weeks."
"The baby is measuring 9 weeks."  Then my mother started crying.  I knew she was there but she had been so quiet.  Then my cousin started crying.

"Poor Drew."
"Who's that?"
"My husband."
"Isn't that just like a woman.  Thinking of others first.  Sweetie, how are you?"  Crazy Brain threatened, I AM NOT your sweetie.
"Can I have a minute please?"
"Sure, take all the time you need and when you're ready just go to the exam room across the hall."

My rational brain got me dressed, shed tears, hugged my mother and cousin and went across the hall to talk to the midwife about fuck knows what.  I don't remember.  Not my fault, these things happen, stay here and have surgery in the morning.  I snapped up then.  No, I have to go home, I have to get to my husband, he doesn't know.  I need to go home I have to catch an earlier flight we need to leave this place now right now right now I have to get out of this place.

We got in the car but I couldn't call him.  How was I supposed to tell him this over the phone?  This was an errand, that's all!  Nothing major, what the fuck! We went to Kathleen's office because I promised her I would see her before I left.  When I walked in wearing my sunglasses, my mother following in hers and my cousin bringing up the rear like some kind of fucked-up Dead Baby Mafia she knew and burst into tears.

In her office and at her and my mother's insistence, I called Drew.  I could barely get it out before I stopped being able to breathe.  Crazy Brain was choking Rational Brain and Rational Brain was losing.  Fast.  I was able to ask him to take down and put away all the baby books and gifts and that I was coming home as soon as I could before I couldn't remember how to speak.  The four of us were in her office hysterical.  Her boss told her that she could leave with me wherever I was going so we found an earlier flight and we headed for the airport.

On I-69 North, about ten minutes away from the airport Crazy Brain had had enough.  Front and center.

Today is my 14th week.  It died at nine weeksNINEWEEKSNINEWEEKS.  There is a month-old dead baby in me.  DEAD BABY.  Inside me.  Right nowrightnowrightnow.  Oh FUCK.  Oh GOD.  Oh NOO!  It's dead and it's STILLINSIDEMESTILLINSIDEMEHOLYFUCKINGSHITIT'SSTILLINSIDEME!  Oh my sweet baby Jesus in Heaven, THERE IS A DEAD BABY INSIDE OF ME. My mouth started to water and I asked my mom to pull over.  Of course she was in the far left lane.  Of course.  Left turn right turn.

I fell out of the car.  I don't know how I didn't fall into the ditch.  On my knees I gripped the grass, begging, praying to throw up, to vomit out all my insides, dead baby included.  All of it, everything, my brain, my memories, the dead baby, everything.  Nothing came.  I heaved and convulsed and screamed and cried and nothing came.  Lorena and Kathleen were at my side, begging me to breathe.  I couldn't - the dead baby was everywhere.  It was in my throat, blocking my airway, it was in my heart, squeezing it, making my chest hurt and my ears pound.  Holy fucking shit, just get it out.  If it stays too long, I'll die too.  But I couldn't make the words - the dead baby was in my brain.  

Somehow I got back in the car, somewhere I heard my mom tell Kathleen and Lorena that she was not putting me on the plane alone.  Somehow I started breathing again.  Somehow I buttoned it back up and I could walk and move again.

We arrived at the airport and my dad arrived a few minutes later.  A plane ticket was purchased, more tears were shed, by the Rational Brain this time because Crazy Brains aren't allowed to travel.  If I wasn't Rational, I couldn't go home.  To my husband.  Dry it up, have to get home.  Little cramps, insignificant, not even relevant before, barely noticeable.  Is it starting?  Will I bleed the whole way home?  Did the dead baby hear me and will it leave now?  

No.

Nothing.  Two or three little cramps and then nothing.  The whole time I'd had no cramps, no spotting, nothing.  No signs.  I just wasn't queasy and my boobs didn't hurt anymore.  

I don't remember the flight home.  Wait, I do remember.  We were stopped in first class and overheard some woman laughingly complain that she was too far from the restroom in the second row of first class because she was pregnant.  I remember that.  And then the line moved again.  I remember that.  Not much else.

We arrived in Dallas and I just wanted to go home.  Drew had gotten me a card and flowers - that's what you do I suppose.  I don't fucking know.  The card just said 'I love you.'  I was glad for that.  Do they make 'I'm sorry you have a dead baby inside you' cards?  Probably not.  I hope not.  I love you is much better.

We got home and I went to sleep.  I dreamed of dead babies.  No one knows that.  The next morning I just told them I slept well.  That's what they want to hear.  So that's what I said.  But I dreamed of black green purple pus floating dead babies.  But I didn't say that.

My appointment was with my doctor Tuesday afternoon at 1:15.  I thought they were going to take the dead baby out then.  But no.

It's surgery and they have to schedule you for it.  I didn't actually have it done until Wednesday morning.  They gave me Xanax so I could sleep.  Xanax is good - it helped.  I didn't dream Tuesday night - that was good.