I am happy to report that I am on firmer ground today so there's that. In the words of my beloved Kathleen, "Don't flatter yourself babe. You're not that powerful - laser beams don't come out of your eyes and this part is totally normal." I trust her because her husband passed away several years ago and for a while she didn't want to date because she was convinced that any man she dated would die like her husband. So she knows what she's talking about. I trust her. If she says I can't kill babies with a single glance and I didn't kill mine, I'm going with it. It's much better than what goes on in my head.
She also said that I needed to tell Drew about my fear, that he needed a heads-up just in case I did jump out of bed and run away. He would need to know why. I didn't agree but I went ahead and told him and a cool thing happened. It started a conversation.
He still didn't get it right - when he came home and kissed me he immediately pulled back and said, "Oh no, you don't think you're pregnant do you?" To which I replied, "See, this is why I don't tell you things. This is why you're often the third or fourth person to know what's going on because you can't help but make a joke about serious things and it's inappropriate." Good right? No cursing, yelling or attacking. This allowed him to sincerely apologize and completely unprompted we started talking.
It just happened - he started talking and sharing and I was able to see how things went down according to him. I truly got a clear idea of his perspective and it was very eye-opening. I wouldn't have been able to hear him until this moment and so I'm thankful that this didn't happen until last night. But I did. I heard him. I could empathize and for the first time I saw where he was coming from.
Grief is messy and it is a rare person that does the right thing the first time in these situations. And truly, we all fell apart. But I could see. I could listen to him and I know that he felt heard and some of the weight was lifted for us. I know that this was only possible because I have been purging through my writing, shedding these feelings in order to start healing and more effectively bear witness to my husband's process and praying. Last night, we made progress.
We're not out of the woods and we're not okay but we're taking steps so at least there's that.
Ya know, really and truly, baby steps are the most vital to any process in life. Healing, learning, loving, giving - anything we have to learn, face, or find our way through... The initial steps are the ones that lead ultimately to things being ok. Or even good. Or even great. Just have to be willing to let the process have its way and it all comes out in the wash...
ReplyDeleteprayin'for ya'll as often as I think of you.
rosheeda
www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteYou might like her sight. When I was reading yesterday, i thought to mention it but forgot, and then it came to mind again, so I'm sharing.
Ro
Rosheeda,
ReplyDeleteI can't remember how I found her site but yeah, it's great. She's definitely one of the people I turn to saying, 'if she can do this, so can I.'
Thank you so much for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers - it means so much! :-)
*big hugs*
Continue to pray my dear.
ReplyDelete