Friday, October 8, 2010

It's time

I can't believe it's only been two weeks.  I feel like I've been gone forever.  I've missed my blog, I've missed writing, I've missed YOU.  Things aren't better - hooboy they are not better - but taking a break from writing hasn't helped so I might as well write.  And boy do I have some things to say!


First, biggest, most:  I'm pregnant.  Yup, I'm gestating, knocked up, bun in the oven, awaiting a visit from the stork - what other inane euphemism is out there?  Tell you what, let's just go with I'm pregnant.  Oh yeah, and *I'm* the one who's pregnant.  I don't buy that stupid 'we're pregnant' business.  It's just me who has to do this.  Not Drew.  Drew does not have to stop drinking, he doesn't have to stop eating sushi, he doesn't have to pee in the middle of the night, he doesn't get weird random pains, he doesn't get tired at 8pm every night and he certainly doesn't have to stick himself in the belly with needles twice a day.


Oh yeah - needles.  In the belly.  And we all know how much I hate needles right?  Yes?  Yes?  Through all the testing they found out I have an auto-immune reaction to pregnancy.  My body treats babies like germs and attacks them.  So I have to remind my body twice a day not to kill my baby.  These 13 weeks have been the hardest and darkest of my life - and believe me, the irony is not lost on me.  I have been challenged to my core.  I've cried more than I ever thought I would - I thought I'd be over the moon happy to find the problem, fix it and carry a pregnancy farther than I ever have before.


Not the case, y'all.  Not the case at all in the slightest tiny bit.   


Now, I'm sure you can do the math - I've only been gone for two weeks but I'm 13 weeks pregnant.  I didn't write about it because Drew asked me not to.  At first, I was flabbergasted.  All of the infertility and trying to conceive blogs usually post as they're peeing on the stick.  I fully thought that when my time came I would do the same.  It really threw me when he asked me not to write about it and I'll be honest, I was angry.  I was afraid that if I lost it before I was allowed to talk about it that it was somehow not real, that no one would know and somehow it wouldn't count.  I also felt like I wasn't being true to myself - it's cathartic to put it all out there and for once I couldn't.  That was really really hard.


But I'm out of the first trimester now so it's time.  I'm here.


This is not going to turn into a pregnancy/baby blog.  I'm still me - the world hasn't stopped turning, I'm just going to have a baby and I'm more than a little superstitious.  So there will be no widget on the sidebar with a floating baby and a ticker.  There will be no weekly updates telling you what kind of fruit is inside me now or how much weight I've gained (none so far.)  However, I am having a baby and that's making me think all kinds of crazy things so I apologize in advance if I leave you scratching your head after any particular post.


I also haven't decided if I'm going to post belly pictures.  For one thing, I've got bruises all over my belly and they're not pretty.  For another, there's not much to see.  I might when I actually pop out or something, but honestly haven't we all seen enough fat, bare bellies to last us a lifetime?  I know I have!  I don't know how I feel about adding mine to the mix.


This certainly hasn't gone down according to any of my fantasies but honestly, not too much in my life has so I'm not that surprised.  Although, I was hoping that if one thing, just one thing was going to go like the fairy tales it would be my first successful pregnancy.  HA!  Yeah right.  This is pretty much the farthest thing from my fantasies with me still actually pregnant.  


Oh well.  I've got a baby in me, I've heard its heartbeat, seen its picture and it is hands-down the coolest most fabulous thing in the world.  For serious.  So at least there's that.


It's been bad, real freakin bad but I'm just hoping that things get better, because right now I don't have shit to put in a baby book other than Damn, this isn't how I thought it would be!


I don't think my kid would appreciate that.


Do they allow you to start baby books at about five months pregnant?  If so, that gives me some time to turn things around before I have to document it.  I don't know the rules here.

44 comments:

  1. This post makes me so happy!!!!! :) Cat's out of the bag! First trimester = over! I vote NO to the weekly pregnancy update posts. I vote YES to the belly pics once you have a belly. But I think I like the ones with the shirt down?... Either way... I can't wait for some baby planning posts!

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  2. Congratulations and best wishes throughout the rest of your pregnancy. And best wishes in your personal journey with your hubby as well. I love your blog and the "energy" you write with. Keep it up!

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  3. Congratulations!!! I was totally confused when you posted on my blog with a reference to your due date... This is wonderful news! Try to cheer up about the shots. It really is amazing that modern medicine was able to figure out what was wrong and FIX it! So, did you get pregnant on your trip to San Francisco?! That would be nice and romantic, and a good way to start that baby book.

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  4. Congratulations! And sorry about the needles.

    Yes, you can start a baby book while you're pregnant - it's called a pregnancy journal. Check here: http://www.amazon.ca/Pregnancy-Journal-Ryland-Peters-Small/dp/184172436X/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b

    I had a girlfriend who used to get pregnant, then break out in hives at about 8 weeks, then miscarry. This was close to 20 years ago, though, so there was never any discussion about an immune-type reaction to the pregnancy. She did eventually have three children, and all three were boys, so we wondered if she was only reacting to female pregnancies? We'll likely never know. Pregnancy truly is a mysterious thing.

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  5. Congratulations! I'm so happy for you! It's going to be really tough, but if there's anything I've learned from stopping by here, it's that I think you can totally do it! You have all of our support! :)

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  6. Best of luck to you! Not luck..prayers! Good thoughts! I'm so excited for you and hoping for the best!

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  7. and don't be scared...please. it is what it is and i'm hoping YOURS is fabulous!!!

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  8. Congratulations to you and Drew!!! I'm so happy for you. I'm also relieved that you're writing again . . . you were missed.

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  9. Congratulations and Welcome Back! I need my Desiree fix! : )

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  10. I've never commented before. I just want to say Im glad your back...and Im praying for a healthy and happy(ier) pregnancy!

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  11. Congrats and welcome back. I was happy to see a new post from you, and happier to hear your baby news. Happy thoughts coming your way!

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  12. LOL... I'm with you on the belly pictures! Same with newborn pics before they clean them up, or worse -- newborn pics showing them 100% naked. All I can ever think is "This kid is REALLY going to be embarrassed by this one day."

    But CONGRATULATIONS! Things rarely turn out as we expect them to, or go down the way we hope they will, but you can't let that take all the joy out of this special time. Glad to see that you're still staying positive about the baby despite other challenges.

    Sending lots of happy thoughts!

    xoxo,
    tanja

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  13. Congratulations!!! Fantastic news! :)

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  14. Congratulations!! I hope you have a safe pregnancy! And thanks for coming back to the blog--you have a lot of people out here pulling for you!

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  15. Congrats, congrats, **CONGRATS**!!!! Your blog is so amazing, you are so articulate when putting your feelings into words. I feel like you're a IRL girlfriend, LOL!! I am so happy to hear this news, and am just delighted for you!!!! Hooray!!!! OK, and I know you always ask for email IDs, but I don't have any of these IDs, so I'm just gonna post as Anonymous... but I'm michelle_reilly@msn.com. :)

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  16. I have never posted before, but I must say I have been reading your blog for a few months now and I was so bummed(but understanding) when you took your break. I am very happy for you and I pray that you and your family are kept in a place of love and happiness!!

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  17. I'm a first time viewer of your blog, and after reading this: "It's been bad, real freakin bad but I'm just hoping that things get better, because right now I don't have shit to put in a baby book other than Damn, this isn't how I thought it would be!" I'm hook. I love a good, honest blogger, and I'm looking forward to reading more.

    Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I wish you a happy and healthy nine months.

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  18. Congratulations!!! I'm so happy for you. My vote is belly pictures with shirt down too, much nicer, and there is so much great baby clothes out there. I can't wait to be pregnant just to get the pregnancy clothes (that sounds pretty shallow and I don't mean it like that at all).

    I will keep my fingers crossed that everything goes well. So happy to see you blogging again. You have been missed.

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  19. I don't know you but I am so ridiculously happy for you! Congrats on the pregnancy and cheers to a happy healthy baby that will bring you and your husband joy you never knew existed!

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  20. Glad you're back, and even happier for your pregnancy!! Although I know we won't be getting up to the minute updates, I look forward to seeing the beautiful end result! You (and Drew) totally deserve it. :)

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  21. Welcome back! Cheers to you and Drew on your pregnancy!

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  22. Great to hear you are pregnant and things are going ok so far. I just hope this one 'sticks' the full nine months so you can exerience what a pregnancy should be like (minus the needles).
    Wishing you both the best of luck and hoping your marriage is going well too. God bless you

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  23. Hooray!!! I didn't read this post until today....and last night I posted *something* on my blog as well. WEIRD! If you need anyone to talk to about it....I'm right there with ya and am feeling worried/paranoid/elated all at the same time:o) I'll be thinking of you!

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  24. Wow - I can't believe you kept this to yourself for so long, but I'm so excited that you're out of the dreaded first trimester already. Hang in there - at least you know the problem and everything is going well!!!!

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  25. We missed you too, Desiree. Glad you're back and hoping this place can still be a release and a joy to you. Congrats on your news and know that we are here listening to you and pulling for you. Love your openness and honesty so much - it's refreshing.

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  26. Yes, yes, and yes!!!!!!!! I never thought I would be soo happy for someone I have never met. Congrats to you and Drew. I wish you all the love and happiness your heart can hold.

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  27. congratulations!!! i'm so happy for you and the hubby! pregnancy (and parenting) can be stressful, but i wouldn't trade it for the world. i'm praying for you guys and your little one!

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  28. Congratulations! I'm so happy for you. I'm glad you're back.

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  29. I have never posted before, but have been following your blog for a few months and you are a great writer! I just wanted to say congratulations! I know how terrifying pregnancy can be after you have experienced a loss. Every day is such a blessing. So happy for you!

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  30. So happy for you and totally understand your "Writer's Block"! But so glad you're back! (you should just see me cheesing over here) :)

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  31. WHOOP WHOOP! YAYYYYY!! Dude- I was so happy when I checked in today and saw this. You must have written after I left work on Friday! YAAYYY! Congratulations. ALL makes sense now. Hey- sometimes things just have to be for home.. YAY! Welcome back honey! Im so happy- like... weirdly so.. I feel like alot of blogs I read that have just 1 focus bore me! Love your blog!

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  32. SOOOO happy to see you ah, I mean read your writing again! You were missed so very much...everyday I still peeked back...just to see. I wondered about you every single day and hoped you were holding on just fine! Whoot whoot, hello pregnant! So very happy for you and can just imagine how scared you were/are. You can do this! I just spent the day (our Canadian Thanksgiving none-the-less) in emerg. with another gigantic ruptured cyst that was bleeding this time...I'm a little scared myself...I want babies...not today, but someday...I thought of you while I was there. and if you can keep trying...the least I can do is keep faithful and do the positivity thing right!

    Congratulations and praying for you!

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  33. I checked your blog not expecting to see any posts and there are two and there is great news! Congratulations!

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  34. Yay! Congratulations! I'm so glad yall found out what was wrong, sounds like your dr. is on the ball!

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  35. Dancing for Desiree!!! I am so excited for you guys!!! We've missed you!

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  36. I am so happy for you. Thrilled for you! I missed you online. Don't disappear again. It is like when you write, your writing to me because you say and do things I would think, but probably not brave enough to verbalize. You're the bees knees! :)!

    Also, I am 13 weeks prego too. Baby Rinah is going to have a sister/brother. She is now 18months and we are at it again. The last time I think... but one more go.

    God bless you!
    The Misses!

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  37. Congratulations! And welcome back to blog land! Even though I don't know you personally, I enjoy your posts and feel like I do know you. I wish you the best in your journey.

    God's blessings in your life!
    Aleah

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  38. This is a few days late, but CONGRATULATIONS hon!

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  39. I'm very excited for you and after all you've been through I really hope you get through this healthy, happy and with a baby in your arms next year. I can't wait to hear of your journey and I KNOW shots aren't fun and they aren't ideal, but that baby is going to be SO WORTH it.

    Praying for you. Good luck, Desiree!
    Rania

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  40. I'm very excited for you and after all you've been through I really hope you get through this healthy, happy and with a baby in your arms next year. I can't wait to hear of your journey and I KNOW shots aren't fun and they aren't ideal, but that baby is going to be SO WORTH it.

    Praying for you. Good luck, Desiree!
    Rania

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  41. I've never commented before. I just want to say Im glad your back...and Im praying for a healthy and happy(ier) pregnancy!

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  42. Yes, yes, and yes!!!!!!!! I never thought I would be soo happy for someone I have never met. Congrats to you and Drew. I wish you all the love and happiness your heart can hold.

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  43. Congratulations and best wishes throughout the rest of your pregnancy. And best wishes in your personal journey with your hubby as well. I love your blog and the "energy" you write with. Keep it up!

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When you leave me a comment, my phone chimes. I run to it from across the house, anxious to read what you've said. I save them in my email and read them multiple times a day, which is why you may not get an immediate response but I promise I eventually respond to every comment that has an email address.

You make me smile - I just thought you should know.

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