This is my new favorite photo.
Drew is getting so much more comfortable with the baby and I'm so happy to see it! Like most men, he was super unsure of himself in the beginning and was quick to hand her off to me if she was anything but calm and/or asleep. Now, it seems the two of them are finding their rhythm. They're Hitting Their Stride, if you will.
Sorry, just took a five minute break while I went and threw up from how truly awful that pun was. I'm back now.
I've been asking my mom friends about their feelings the moment their baby was born. I asked them if they felt that super love moment when their baby was placed in their arms and most of them said yes, that they fell in love the second they touched their baby or looked into their eyes.
I did not have that feeling.
Sometimes I wonder if something might be a little off about me. Wait, who am I kidding. Something is definitely a little off about me. Anyway, I didn't feel that super love moment. When they placed Sofia in my arms, I was flooded with a sense of property. Proprietari-ness? No, that's not right.
Possession. As in, Sookeh is MINE kind of possession.
That look at the end of that clip? I sooo get that look and that's the look that anyone got who would dare get between me and my baby. We got our skin to skin bonding time right after she was born that only further strengthened that feeling for me. I definitely didn't want her back inside me - good gawd, I was glad to be un-pregnant! - but I didn't want her more than an inch away from me. They took her to the nursery for all the tests and things and I was a lunatic, ringing the nursery nonstop, asking when she'd be back.
Hi, this is Desiree Pieprzyk? Room 816? I had a baby about an hour ago? I was wondering when I can expect her back with me please? (Nice and polite, doing my best to hide the crazy.)
ten minutes later...
Hi there, so sorry to bother, it's Desiree in Room 816 again. I just called and don't mean to be a pain, but I was hoping my daughter will be brought back to me soon? Just a few more minutes? Great, thanks!
half hour later.....
Hi. I'm in Room 816 and I'd like to know when my daughter is coming back. That was an hour ago.
half hour after that.....
Hi. 816. Daughter. Bring her to me. NOW.
I was mildly surprised at how primal I felt. After all, I'd had the stirrings when I was still pregnant and I had one goal in life. Ensuring my daughter was returned to me. Once they brought her back, I was hard-pressed to let her go again and she hasn't been away from my side for that long since.
I'm not rude about it, and other people have held my baby - I'm not totally crazy. I just hover, which is completely okay. Right?
Then one day it happened. I hadn't noticed it before, but there was sort of a pit in my stomach that went away when I held the baby. I missed her while she slept - really missed her, like an obscene amount. I stared at her, wanting her to see me, hoping she saw me. I found myself wondering if she liked me and hoping she did. I'd talk to her, asking "Do you like that? Is that fun? Are you okay?" I was so unsure, I wanted to do everything right even as I knew I would make some mistakes but I wanted to try my hardest to make and keep her happy.
I was falling in love.
The kind that makes your stomach hurt. The kind where you can't sleep because you're thinking of the other person, even though you're tired and you want to sleep but then their face floats into your mind or you remember how their hair smells or that one time when they smiled at you and bam, no sleep.
It's that love where you like them more than they like you. And that's not to say my daughter doesn't like me as much as I like her, but when I was trying to think of the words to describe this feeling, this desperation, this all-consuming devotion, that's what I thought of.
I am head over heels, lovesick over my daughter. When I eat, I think of her - I think of the day that I'll get to share my meal with her, if she'll like it, what her favorite food will be. When I get dressed, I think of her - will she like yoga (and yoga pants?) Will she love or hate makeup and high heels? What kinds of clothing will she like to wear? I cannot stop thinking about her.
I didn't know if it was going to happen, I was worried that it wouldn't happen at all, but now that it has I am at once happy and scared.
I hope it calms down because it's kind of um, limiting. The thought of leaving her with a babysitter makes me hyperventilate, but I don't want to be one of those clingy moms that doesn't know how to cut the apron strings. I want her to be a confident independent person and she'll need a strong mother to do that. I'd like her to have siblings but the thought of another child, sibling or not, taking away her toys or pinching her makes me violent. However, I don't want her to grow up spoiled and whiny.
I live for her smiles and I want to do everything in my power to calm her when she's upset. I'm so sprung on this child. I feel like a dorky teenager again.
Hang up. No you hang up. No you. Okay, on three we'll both hang up. One..two...three....you didn't hang up! Go on, hang up.......
The first thing I said to my baby? "Who are you?" I didn't feel immediately in love, but also felt ownership and responsibility and family. We've fallen in love, and at 8 months when I went back to work I actually cried that "he was my soul" and at 13 months, I sneak him back into my bed so I can cuddle and smell his hair.
ReplyDeleteSo cute. That was so fun to read:o) And I think we have discussed that I miss mine when she sleeps too. And the other day I thought "I don't want to have another one because I can't bear the thought of her thinking she's been replaced or not loved enough". I wonder if that will go away. I do want to have a second one day but I totally agree with you. That picture is great...I bet you could do something artsy with that for a gift or for your wall. Like add some sort of antique effect to it and throw it on canvas or something.
ReplyDeleteLove that picture, and that was a great description of love for your baby. I don't have kids and I have wondered what it would be like to have a person that is actually part of me, that I made. And another thing I wonder, what do babies dream about? Is it images of mommy, daddy, and pretty toys and songs?
ReplyDeletethis was such a cute post, especially the end with the phone routine...oh, i remember those days VERY well, laying in the back room at my grandmother's house, talking to some crazy fool on the phone. thank God for unanswered prayers (but enough about me)! your daughter is beautiful--i see why you're so in love. :)
ReplyDeletedayka
I never felt a tangible wave of "in-love-ness" hit me...but I have never NOT been totally enthralled with my children (and uber-possessive/protective, too). It's so hard to describe love, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteYou will, eventually, find that you can be away from your child and it will be okay...some day you will even send them off to stay with cousins or grandparents and they will have a grand time and you will miss them but not the crazy "give me back my baby NOW!" feeling you have for your little one.
The hardest thing for me is experiencing the insane, focused love I have for my tiny babies change into something more mature and complex. And, let's face it, less unconditional. Or rather, I still love your child unconditionally but I also have a lot of other (mixed) feelings for them, as they get older. I mean, it's pretty much impossible to feel angry with a baby...but with a 4 year old who's really cranky and hitting her brother and hurting her sister? Let's be real--it happens.
i LOVE that sleeping pic. its soo sweet! and everything you feel for your child is normal. You waited so long for her and now shes here, I'd expect you to feel nothing less honestly.
ReplyDeleteI enjoy your posts so much! I have a 12 week old baby boy and I feel some of the same emotions you feel with your baby girl. When I had my son they put me totally under and I woke up to "here's your baby" so it's still kind of weird when I think about it. He does have two babysitters b/c I'm back at work but they've been there since he was born so we are all very comfortable with each other. Thanks for mentioning that mobile b/c i ordered it the same day I read your post and my son loves it!
ReplyDeleteOMG! I love that you compared your love for Sofia with Bill and Sookie. And I love that I COMPLETELY understood what you meant. :) That's why we're friends!
ReplyDeleteLOL you did not just compare your look to a true blood scene, your a little nuts, but hopefully a nutty mommy sofa love until she becomes a teenage (lets not go there yet...) :-)
ReplyDeleteYeah, let't not. I think she's teething and I already want to lock myself in a room with her and cry because it's too soon!!
ReplyDeleteI think that pic should go in a frame in the baby's room. It's adorable!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd I plan on being a lioness over my baby girl too. ;)
Loved this post. The first picture is just the best. I've always worried that when the time comes I won't feel lovey but I definitely feel I'll be the hissing, possessive mama *insert animal here*. Oh yes, I will hiss at a bitch. I can't tell you how much I love that you're into True Blood now, hahaha.
ReplyDeleteGirl, you've turned me into the Bootleg Queeeeenn!!! :-)
ReplyDeleteI admire your honesty and it is refreshing, I love how you express your love for your daughter. I don't get crazy I get protector, teacher, inspiration, motivator and mother. You have trusted your instincts and they will lead you and guide you to a perfect love between mother and daughter. Like with all the things you and Sofia will learn your balance.
ReplyDeleteI think that picture of Drew & Sofia is adorable, I swear she gets cuter everyday. She is beautiful and lucky to have such a thougjtful mommy.