NeeNee

At first she would just root.  She would latch on like there was nothing else in the world she wanted, and now that I think about it, that probably was the case.  Then she found her words and began pulling at my shirt, insistently saying "NeeNee, NeeNee."   As she got older and understood more, it became Noosheen.  Too quickly after that she would say, clear as anything, "Nursing, pees (please)."

  3 months old

10 months

She still does that with her hand.

Nursing at 18 months is not the calm, serene bonding experience it used to be.  Sofia pulls at my shirt now, she tries her hardest to undo the hooks of my bra and when she can't, she just pulls my boob out anyway because it's squishy enough to do that now. *le sigh*

She even goes so far as to cover me back up when she's done.  The first time she did that, I involuntarily said 'thank you' and she said 'you're welcome' like that's what she'd always done.  If I'm wearing a shirt that isn't particularly accessible from the top, she'll say "Bah-na, Bah-na! (Bottom - as in, nurse from the bottom, not from the top.) 

Before I had a kid, I always said that if they could ask for it, it's time to be done.  But here I am, with a kid who can not only ask for it, she can (kinda) get it herself and (kinda) put it back when she's done.  So yeah.  I think I missed the mark on that one, because I couldn't imagine weaning her at this point.

She still nurses for naps and bedtime, and when she wakes up in the morning I usually bring her in bed with me to nurse for a little bit before we start our day.  Sometimes she falls back to sleep and we doze for a couple more hours; other times she'll nurse for a minute and she's bouncing on the bed, read to start the day.  But then there's the Bored Nursing.  If there's a lull in the day or she doesn't feel like entertaining herself or being entertained by me, she's pulling at my shirt.  "Nursing! Nursing!"  It could be for a minute, it could be for ten.  I never know and I just roll with it.

There are some days when I'm touched out - I crave my personal space and when she pulls at my shirt, I cringe.  Those times I tell her that nursing has to wait, that she can nurse later and I try to distract her with a toy or book.  Sometimes it works, sometimes she'll have none of it and her cries get louder and more insistent until I give in.  I grit my teeth and pull my shirt down, telling myself that one day soon she'll be done with me and I'll be heartbroken.

I even looked up weaning her on one particularly touched out day.  I even found suggestions for weaning ceremonies.

And that's when I knew I wasn't ready.  The thought of telling my daughter that we can't nurse anymore and mean it for real for real?  I get a lump in my throat and a sadness comes over me. This time is so special and the bond we've created can't be duplicated.  Breastfeeding isn't easy - in the beginning, I was all worried about latching, production and proper diet.  I wanted to make sure that everything I ate was super healthy and wouldn't cause her any issues.  

Now, it's hard in a different way.  I haven't eaten a meal by myself in the longest time.  She'll finish her dinner, ask to get down, and then reach her arms to me, saying 'hold you.'  (She gets the pronouns mixed up and it's the cutest thing in the world.)  Then she latches on and that's how I finish my dinner - trying not to spill any food in her hair.

Sometimes I get annoyed.  It would be nice to eat dinner like a regular person.  It would be nice to have my boobs back.  It would be nice for our relationship to go to the next level.

But then I imagine what exactly that would look like and I get choked up again.  

And I know that neither of us is quite done yet.