The plague: Updated x2

I apologize in advance for all typos and errors you guys.  tyiping one-handed here because i'm holding sofia nonstop.

the plague has descended andstruck my baby.  she's puked five times already and since ive been holding her nonstop, that's a lot of wardrobe changes for us both.  and our white duvet cover.

i can't google norovirus and remedies.  can you help me please? what do i do? i have the pedialyteand gatorade but what else?

theysay the diarhea is coming. lord help us all.

Update:  Okay, so she's in the Ergo and I can type like a regular person.  She's so sick and pitiful you guys!  She was sitting on my lap this morning at breakfast, facing me and out of nowhere, she did that half-heaving thing and vomited all. over. us both.  Poor thing, she looked terrified because she had no idea what was happening.  I just kept saying "it's okay baby" because I didn't want to scare her.

So the second time she puked she looked up at me with her huge eyes and was like "It's okay baby?"  Broke my heart.

It's rough being by yourself with a sick kid.  She was steady puking so I couldn't really leave the house and of course we have none of the stuff to help.  No juice, no soda, nothing.  Major thanks for the coconut water suggestion - I don't like the idea of gatorade or juice but I hate the idea of my puking baby more.

When she started puking bile I had no choice but to take her out to the store to get something.  I couldn't imagine how much it burned her little throat to have nothing in her belly and have all that acid coming up.

We raced through the store, but we didn't make it out puke-free.  I have a growing pile of puke laundry.

Sofia has never been sick like this and I'm placing my order for her plastic bubble post-haste.  BPA-free plastic, of course.

But for real, this sick kid business is the worst.  The worst thing is, she most likely got it from the doctor's office!  How's that for some nonsense!  I took her yesterday because she had a cold when we were on vacation and I wanted to get a clean bill of health - ha frickin HA - before I sent her back to school on Thursday.  I called them today and they were like Yeah she probably got a GI bug when she was here.  I was like, the HELL?  That's a thing?  Getting sick at the doctor's office?  That quickly and that violently?  Good LORD.

Anyway, we're still trying to keep stuff down, and we're just going to duck and cover and ride this shit out.

I'm praying to Jesus it doesn't hit me next.

Update x2:  She just puked in the Ergo.  It's between my boobs.  I just.....

Unprepared

Ask any parent who has ever left home without The Paci, The Blankie, The Mimi, or whatever thing their child has deemed necessary for living life; ask them what they do when that happens.  Nine times out of ten, they will tell you they stop whatever the hell it is they're doing, turn the car the hell around and go the hell back home and get whatever it is their baby needs, and QUICK.  Because the alternative is nothing they want to see.  An unprepared parent is cause for disaster and chaos.

Y'all, I was not prepared for Puerto Rico.  Disaster and chaos ensued.

When we went to Kauai, Sofia was 14 months old.  She was new to walking, she was still kind of clingy and we were there as a family.  It was with this naive and wrong expectation that we arrived in Puerto Rico.

I was not ready for a nearly-two-year old.  Oh my baby Jesus, I was not ready.

14 month olds and nearly-two year olds might as well be from different planets.  Sofia is now a master walker; actually, this tiny human is an effing sprinter.  I don't leisurely jog after her anymore.  Oh no, my ass is full out running because she is on a mission to kill herself.

And what is it with these suicidal toddlers?  The kid can't swim, yet she will barrel high-speed for the deep end of the pool.  Life jackets?  WTF-ever.  You'd have thought her life jacket was made of acid-soaked bees.  She burst into tears - Mommy no jacket!  Mommy no jacket!  Do I force my will, make her wear the jacket?  Do I compromise, no jacket but you have to stay in the baby pool?  Go back to the room?  Distract her?  I choose all of the above at some point.  Making her put on the jacket lasts for about ten seconds and I choose not to die on that mountain.  She's good until she decides that doing the stairs would be more fun.  

Except she's not so great with stairs, so of course she finds the highest flight of rough-hewn stone effing steps, ending on a stone effing patio and calls herself walking down like a big girl.  You know, standing straight up, one step, one foot at a time.  None of this sitting down, turning around and going down on your hands and knees.  Pssh.  That's for babies.

Except she can't do it.  So she's all kinds of unsteady, won't take my hand and gives me a heart attack because all I see are Stairs of Death, taking a trip to the Puerto Rican ER, head injuries, blood and stitches.

She makes it down the steps, only to run to the aforementioned Pool of Death.  I narrowly keep her from diving in, which in turn brings out the tantrum of the century, because who the hell do I think I am, keeping her from killing herself.  Where do I get off?

I appease her with the baby pool, which is good for about ten seconds before once again, she's all "Stairs!  Stairs!"  I sigh, we get out of the baby pool and why are there so many stairs?  Am I the only one who sees all these stairs of death?

This is not a resort; we're here for Drew's work, so we're in the middle of the city.  Sidewalks are narrow, traffic is thick.  There is only one speed - Death.  We have to go to the Walgreens because she has a cold and is going through Boogie Wipes like crazy.  I get the stupid effing idea to let her walk; she'll get out some of that energy, I think.  Ha.

Sofia thinks running out into traffic is the best idea she's ever had.  The short walk to Walgreens becomes part obstacle course, avoiding all the dirty city stuff that's on every city sidewalk no matter where you are; part herding cats, because Sofia wants to explore, she needs to see, touch, taste everything Nooo don't touch that, it's dirty! Stay on this side of me, hold hands now, come on baby let's go this way!

Every subsequent trip away from the hotel we take the stroller and I hate it because I want her to be able to get out and see and touch and taste but faaaaahhhhck.  

Lather, rinse, repeat for eight days.  The first few days, Drew was with us and it was better because you need at least two sets of hands to deal with a toddler.  He takes her to the ocean and I look on, because the water is 12 degrees and I don't do cold.  They build sand castles and I take pictures and it feels like vacation.  This is the good part.

But then he goes to work and then it's just me.  All me, all the time and I'm not prepared.  I can't eat because the restaurant is a new place that must be explored.  Sitting in the high chair is the dumbest thing in the world and she must get down and look at all the things.  I give in; there aren't that many people, there's nothing in the immediate area that can kill her.  Ha.

The escalator is right outside the restaurant and in a matter of seconds, she has run out of the restaurant and has made a beeline for the escalator.  And here I thought stone steps were bad.  I wasn't prepared for the Escalator of Death.  I catch her right before she gets to it and we go back to our seat, her loudly loudly protesting and doing her best impression of an angry octopus.  The rest of all my meals are eaten standing up.

We go to Drew's work dinners - at 7:30 at night.  Bedtime is 8pm sharp and her head starts spinning at 8:02.  If she could talk like that, she'd say Whyyyy am I awake?  What is wrong with you people?  Put me in bed!!!  So of course we have the angry octopus at dinner.  The work people look at me with a mixture of sympathy and pity.  I'm not used to that and I hate it.  We get smarter about it and I eat alone - standing up - at 6pm and she's in bed by 8.  So am I.  Drew is off doing his work thing somewhere.

Yesterday, finally, he's done with his work stuff and we walk to dinner - Sofia in the stroller, the two of us together.  I can breathe again.  I tell him everything that I've been doing while he's been gone.  The running into traffic, into the pool, into the escalators, the stairs, the angry octopus, all of it.  I unload because I was unprepared and I'm tired and I need to vent.

He hears nothing but negativity and ungratefulness and says I'm not even trying to enjoy myself.

"You need to rethink your priorities as a mother."

I don't need to tell you that them's be fightin' words.  We go to bed a little after 8, feelings hurt all around.  I'm sad that we fought in front of our daughter.

Today is a new day.  He apologizes, I'm still hurt because I don't feel heard or appreciated, he feels the same.  He takes the baby so I can have a proper shower - my second one of the trip.

I write to put down the burden.  This is our last day and I want to enjoy it as much as we can.  

Holy BALLS, I was not prepared for this. 


 

One liners: Puerto Rico

Hello you! Happy MLK Day!

I thought I'd pop in for a quick second to say hi and to share some random thoughts..

Sofia is teething AND has a cold. Her nose is like a faucet and the coughing breaks my heart.

I expected it to be beautiful here, but we're in the city and it's not beautiful.

But it's the beach in January so I'm not complaining too loudly.

I'd like a word with the Hiltons. We're in one of their hotels and there's mold on the ceiling.

I'm posting pictures on Instagram - I'm daydreamer411 if you're so inclined. Even though Sofia isn't feeling well, she's still rockin her outfits like the diva she is.

They said it's 17 degrees in Pennsylvania.

This isn't even a real post, but I was starting to twitch from not writing. Maybe I can swipe Drew's computer later.

Kicking and screaming

I knew it was going to happen.  It was bound to happen sometime.  Yet, when it actually did I was surprised, caught off guard even.

Ladies, sometime last week........

I got old.

Not quite this old, but you know what I mean.

source - incidentally, an interesting post on being old.  I guess I'm not the only one.

I looked in the mirror one day and saw fine lines under my eyes for the very first time.  Upon closer inspection, I was shocked.  Have the pores on my cheeks and forehead always been this huge?  They were craters, for pete's sake.

Not quite this huge, but you know what I mean.

The creases in my face from sleeping on my stomach don't go away as fast as they used to.  I'm not a morning person - it's legendary, actually - but I really look it now.  The bags under my eyes don't fade as quickly as before, and I swear this all happened overnight.  I went to bed looking decent, I woke up an Old Hag.

Now, rather than retire to my bed to live out the rest of my days in seclusion, I'm choosing Plan B.  That is, fight this shit until I have no fight left.  I've heard of 'growing old gracefully' and that won't be me.  I want to be fly til I die.

Why thank you Internet, for illustrating my feelings oh so well.

Now if it only came in women's sizes.

source

It's time to do work, people.  I was fine with gray hair - I've been gray since I was 23 and I religiously dye the crap out of my hair.  But wrinkles are a whole different story.  There are beauty creams and potions and serums and oils for everything that ails you, and I'm prepared to try them all.  I'm completely okay with crushing up beetle wings and putting the paste on my crow's feet, if it'll make them go away.  If you tell me butterfly tears will give me my old face back, hold on while I get my net.

Now I know that there's nothing short of plastic surgery (which I'm also completely okay with) that will completely erase the effects of time, and even that can get scary.

It's nonsense like this that makes me scared to do anything

but complain about getting old.

I'm not at the plastic surgery stage yet, but I really do want to do something about the fine lines and texture of my skin.  I'm actually starting with natural stuff like milk and honey and mashed-up avocado and stuff like that.  I want to see what that does before I start shelling out the dolla dolla bills for the serums made from unicorn spit.  

Have you experienced this yet?  Did you wake up one morning and not recognize the person staring back at you?  My outside is starting to not match my inside because I don't really feel old.  In my mind, I'm still a spry young chicken.  Crap, isn't that something an old person would say?

Regardless, I'm not going down without a fight.  So, let me have it, you amazing youthful readers.  What's your go-to beauty routine?  The cream you can't live without?  The moisturizer that makes your skin as smooth as a baby's bottom?  Is it made from unicorn spit?

I need help y'all.  I'm not ready to be a full-fledged Old Hag yet.

**PS, I know that beauty comes from within, being confident makes you beautiful, and having a good outlook on life will make you glow, but fine lines, people.  Under the eyes.  Creases on the face.  It's not okay.

Jewelry storage, in 47 easy steps

Girl.  Get some wine and get cozy because do I have a story to tell!

Approximately 15,000 years ago, I wrote about storing my jewelry - it was so long ago that I can't even find the post in my search bar.  The gist of it was, I was ridiculously proud of myself for having found bait boxes to use as earring holders.

They look like these.  So functional, but so sad-looking and 

not at all worthy of jewelry storage.

In addition to that, I had two small jewelry boxes that held random stuff.  Then I had some little dishes that held other stuff, a little box or two with some more stuff, until I had no idea what was where and pulling out my bait boxes every time I wanted to accessorize, only to realize that what I wanted was somewhere else - well, that was just no fun.

This method of storage isn't working for me.

Enter Pinterest.

There are jewelry storage pins all over the place, most of them a variation on the frame-and-chicken-wire theme.  So while Sofia was in school yesterday, I got started.

 I gathered all my jewelry from all the random places and laid them all on the guest bed.

That in itself was tons of fun - I really do love playing with sparkly things.

Then I got a frame from the basement, aka The Use What You Have Store.

I got this at Michael's a while ago for about five bucks. 

You can use radiator grates from Home Depot for a more decorative look, but 

each sheet is like twenty-five bucks, you have to cut it with wire cutters, you risk losing a finger, and that's just not the business.

I'll take five bucks and cut it with plain ol' scissors, thanks.

The downside is that you have the foldy lines and if that sort of thing bothers you, then you should go with the radiator sheets.  Foldy lines do not bother me.

This is my new favorite color of spray paint but Krylon is not my favorite brand.

Observe.

You see that splattery, drippy, gloppy mess?

Krylon is NOT my friend.

Lucky for them, I'm not a perfectionist and another coat *sorta* made it better.

Crap, I'm out of order.

Before I spray painted, I flipped the frame over and hot glued the mesh to the back.

THEN I took it to the garage and discovered the gloppy mess that is Krylon spray paint.

A word about spray painting indoors:  Don't do it.  I was in the garage, with the garage door open, freezing my ass off, and there were still fumes in the house for a while afterwards.  I was so glad that Sofia wasn't there, but the fumes lingered for much too long.  Let me be the PSA for not killing yourself with fumes.  Instead of saying 'use in a well-ventilated area' they should go on and say 'make sure you're all the way outside when you do this, dummy.' 

Anyway, I was against the clock because I only had two and a half hours to get this whole thing done.  Hot gluing the mesh took less than five minutes, and even though the spray paint was gloppy, it dried quickly so at least there's that.

Now, the mesh worked great for the hook back earrings, but I had posts and lever earrings too, neither of which work with mesh.  Lucky for me, my mesh didn't cover the whole frame so I had an open space to string a line of raffia across for the lever backs and ribbon for the posts.  Why raffia?  Isn't the real question here, why *not* raffia?  

I kid - I used raffia because that's the only string-like material I had on hand and I was determined to get this frame done before I had to pick up Sofia.  I hot-glued both, and I must say it's not that bad.

I have far more lever back and post earrings than I do hook-types, so I may cut my mesh and string another line of raffia.  You can't do that with a radiator sheet, so I win.

And, I'll probably switch out the ribbon for something stiffer but it works for now.

It lives to the right of my dresser, where some things got switched out.

Buddha swapped spots with my perfumes and he lives in the guest bedroom now.  My 'good jewelry' is in the small box and the little milk glass dish holds my teeny delicate necklaces.  

There's only a few in there so they don't get tangled.

So far so good, right?  I thought so too.  I was on a roll, and now that I'd separated my good jewelry, got my frame situated, it was time to tackle the necklaces and bracelets with about an hour to spare.  I was ON IT.  

I found my inspiration photo the night before and actually squealed when I saw it.

"Why, that's just a board on a wall!" I said.  "I can totally do that!"

source

Which reminds me of a joke:  What were the redneck's last words before he died?  "Hey y'all, watch this!"

My last words are always "Psh!  I can totally do that!"  

I should have stopped at the frame.  Because you see, this picture doesn't come with a tutorial, so I had to wing it.  Winging it is not my forte - at least not when it comes to power tools.

But that didn't stop me.  I ran to the garage and found a piece of scrap wood.  I measured where I wanted it to go, I cut my wood and skipped off to the bathroom to nail it in place.  Because nails ought to be plenty to hold it in, right?

I rounded up my trusty hammer and nails, eyeballed my piece of wood and drove the first nail in, right in the center.  Success!  This is going to work!  I nailed another in on the right and left side.  "Three nails are plenty," I said, to no one in particular.

I went to yank on it to make sure it was secure and the whole damn thing came right off the wall.  

"Aw DAY-UM!"  PS, I was totally talking out loud.  To an empty house - just so we're clear.  I'm completely insane.

"Well of course, I didn't use enough nails.  I should put more holes in the wall,"  I said.  So that's what I did.  I ran back to the garage, hammered out the original three nails, ran back to the bathroom and hammered five nails this time, each in a new spot.  Keep track kids, that's eight holes in the wall by now.

And the damn thing pulled off the wall again.

"Well obviously nails aren't cutting it.  What I need are screws!"  

So I ran back to the garage, hammered out the nails, hunted down some wood screws, grabbed the drill and ran back to the bathroom.  This damn piece of wood is going to stay on this wall if it's the last thing I do!

Except my screw hit something in the wall and wouldn't go all the way in.  I mean, it went far enough to make another hole, but it was still sticking too far out of the wood.  So I backed it out, leaving a ninth hole in my wood and in the wall.  Nice.

"Oh so it's like that, Mr. Wood?  You think you're cool, you think you're funny?  Well look here, nothing stands in the way of my crafting!  How 'bout I show you what's really goin' on."

That's right.  I went for the nail gun.  The big boy, with the giant damn air compressor.

 This thing is loud, heavy and can Get It Done.

I watched the video, I read the manual, I had the safety glasses, I know what the hell I'm doing. No I don't.  I really really don't.  I shouldn't be allowed around power tools that can kill you.  I started that bad boy, put on my glasses and pulled the trigger.  WaPOW! WaPOW! WaPOW! WaPOW! WaPOW!

That's five more holes in my wood and in the wall.  I was so excited to have that nail gun in my hand, I was dizzy with all that raw power.  That board was In The Wall and it wasn't going anywhere.  I stepped back to admire my handiwork.

And I saw that my board was 46 kinds of crooked.  The right side was all high, the left side all low.

"AW DAY-UM!"  

Remember how I just said that board was In The Wall?  Yeah.  Because it was.  I pried and pried and pried, and then I started praying.  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  Because my husband was going to KILL ME if he came home to a piece of scrap wood nailed all crazy to the wall.  As it is, he doesn't know how many holes are behind the wood.  Except now, I guess he does.  Hi babe!  Love you!

Finally, the wood came down, I ran back to the garage to hammer out the nails, I ran back to the bathroom and I did it again.  WaPOW! WaPOW! WaPOW! WaPOW! WaPOW!

Five new holes - what are we up to now? Nineteen?  Nineteen holes in the wall.  That's how *I* DIY, folks.

BUT!  The board was secure, and it didn't come off the wall.  Besides, wood filler and paint are my best friends and I sure did wood fill the crap out of my swiss-cheese board, and once it was primed and painted you couldn't tell a thing!

All that was Thursday between 9 and 11:30.  I filled the jewelry frame while Sofia napped Thursday afternoon and during today's nap, I returned to my necklace holder, that was now primed and painted and looking as good as new.  

Then I picked up the drill.  I really shouldn't be allowed near power tools.

I bought the hooks for the holder and commenced to drilling my pilot holes.  Did I measure?  Nope.  Did I mark anything?  Of course not!   Did I use a template of any kind?  HA!  Templates are for nerds!  I screwed in my drill bit and got ta drillin'!  I made staggered pilot holes across the length of my board and then screwed in the hooks.

Stopping to document my prowess.

I'm so handy.

Oh, and I swear the board is straight - it's just the camera angle.

Umm.  Except, oops.

My hooks are waaay too close together.

The necklaces are all cramped together - I'd never be able to tell what I had!

DAY-UM!!

I really have no idea how you're supposed to figure out spacing on something like this.  You don't want them jumbled up, but you don't want them so far apart it looks dumb.  I shrugged my shoulders and started screwing the hooks in and hanging the necklaces one by one, making sure they were spaced evenly.

But after 47 easy steps and nineteen holes in the wall, I have my necklace storage!

What's that on the toilet, you ask?

Oh, that's just my ring holder.

Could you die?!

It's just like in the boutiques!

I also got a five dollar bracelet holder - thank you Michael's 40% off coupon!

The milk glass dish holds the other bracelets.

I likes mah arm candy.

Now all my pretties are out in the open where I can see them every day.

I plan to stack stuff underneath my ring holder and put some small pictures on the wall to fill up the space between the two, but for now I'm just glad it's done!

I am 100% positive that there was an easier and better way to do this.  As it is, I have to decide whether or not I want to take everything back down, spackle over all the holes, measure, and re-drill the holes the right way.  OR, I could just leave it.  I don't know if that poor board could take any more holes.

At any rate, I'm counting this as my crafty thing for the month.  Hell, I might count it as my two crafty things for the month for all the trouble this damn thing caused me.

But I've got my jewelry storage and it's not a bait box!

Resolutions on a Thursday

Nothing like starting the New Year with some thoughts!  And to kick it off....

Like the rest of the free world, my number one resolution is to get fit.  I'm skinny, but I have zero muscle tone, and it's gross.  I'm flab everywhere: boobs, belly, arms, legs, ass.  Everywhere.  I can't do anything about the boobs, but everything else can stand to get a little firmer.  And I'm not going to lie, I'm kinda smitten with the Bodyrock girl.  But I'm not gonna lie, I usually watch the workouts on my laptop while eating cookies.  I don't think that's how you get her body. 

However, I need to get serious about at least trying to get fit because I have T-minus 12 days to get into a bikini and this body is NOT ready.  That's right, we get to escape this dreary Pennsylvania weather and spend ten glorious days on the beach!  In a couple of short weeks, we're heading to lovely Puerto Rico!

When Drew told me he had to go there for work, I was like "Cool, when are *WE* leaving?"  As IF I'd let him go to Puerto Rico in January without me!  I'm looking forward to laying on the beach, speaking Spanish, eating amazing food (thank God for my one-piece suit) and not having to cook or clean for ten days.  Drew's co-worker is bringing her family as well so it's going to be a great time!  I've already got our outfits ready and I got the cutest fedora for Sofia so we're all set! 

Thank you so much for the compliments on my canvas!  Since a couple of you asked, here's how you do it - it's super easy.

Get your kid to paint on a canvas, or do it yourself if you don't have a kid.  Actually, fingerpainting is kinda fun but if you want to do it grown-up style, you could paint stripes, zig-zags or any other pattern that makes you happy.

I bought these letters at Target; at four inches, they were the largest I could find.  However, you want stick on letters and these aren't stick-on.  I didn't find that out until I'd opened the package, and I didn't want to take them back and try to find the right ones.  These were more like post-its, with a small strip of lame adhesive across the top of each letter.  So I made do and placed my letters and took a small craft brush and s-l-o-w-l-y painted around each and every letter with white house paint.  Why house paint?  It's the only white paint we had and I was too lazy to get other stuff.  You should probably buy craft paint and do it right, instead of all ghetto like me.  AND, if you have stick-on letters, you can just paint right over the whole canvas and peel up the letters all at once.  I recommend doing it that way.  

Once I had two coats of paint on the canvas I pulled my letters off and voila!  So, to recap:  buy a canvas, colored paint, stick-on letters, white paint and have at it!  It's not hard at all, and yours will look better than mine because you'll do it right.

As far as my other resolutions go, they have to do with getting back bits of the old me and rededicating myself.  I want to:

• Wear some makeup, even if it's just lip stuff, every day.  I feel better when I take a little time to pamper myself.
• Read at least one book a month.  I spend so much time on the computer that I've forgotten what it's like to curl up with a good book.  Now that Sofia's sleeping more consistently, I have my nights back and I want to read things that don't have to do with parenting or finances.  I want to read for the pleasure of reading.  To that end, we're going to the library tomorrow and I'm getting my library card.  It has been over twenty years since I've had one and that is just a shame.
• Do a home workout at least once a week.  God knows there are enough ideas out there; I just need to find one that works for me.
• Sew one thing a month.  I have a space downstairs with my sewing stuff and I have bags of things I want to fix.  It's time to get started.
• Do one crafty thing every other week.  I think once a week might be pushing it, but twice a month seems manageable.  I've already made a jewelry holder that I'm dying to blog about, but it's not quite done yet.  I have a whole to-do list for the house and getting it written out makes it much less overwhelming and scary.
• Be more consistent with meal planning.  It's such a chore and I always end up putting it off, but then we're scrambling to find stuff to eat, which becomes a bigger chore and then my head explodes.  This is the year that I make peace with cooking and food.

I'm sure if I sat here, I could come up with a mile long list of stuff I want to get accomplished, but this is a good enough place to start.  I'm hoping that I'll remain accountable now that I've put my goals out there and I'll definitely check back from time to time to see how I'm doing.

So what about you?  Do you buy into the whole 'new year, new you' thing?  Have you made any resolutions?  Do you have any tips for me on how to hate food less?  Maybe you've unlocked the secret to watching workout videos while eating cookies *and* getting six-pack abs while you do it?  Maybe?