Here goes nothin'

You guys are amazing.  It's like I put up the Bat Signal of Pain and you responded.  For the first time since all this shit went down, I sat at the keyboard and cried.  Not like the little tears I cried with Drew; the big nasty snot tears that shake your shoulders that you NEED to let out because sometimes that's all you can do.

I don't know if God knew that I needed to do this, but Sofia is currently taking a marathon nap right now.  Long enough for me to have a good cry while chatting online with an angel of a friend (I love you), long enough to even find a chuckle at the sheer absurdity of this nonsense.  You have made a safe space for me and like Sin said,

to answer your question, " Who wants to go visit a friend when their friend is all down in the dumps?"...a FRIEND does. I've tried blogging and it just hasn't worked for me, but I have been reading yours for a long time and responding more as of late. So maybe I'm not in the blog friend space yet, but I AM in the friend space for a lot of people. And I am BLESSED with some amazing friends. And when things are great and happy go lucky, its easy to get lost in living our own lives now that we are all in the real grown up part of life (marriage, kids, ect). But when a friend is down in the dumps? THAT is when we have like, a gravitational pull towards one another. Because the question isn't who wants to visit a friend when they are down...obviously no one does...bc who wants their friend to be down? Which is why you go, and whether you cry together, kick/scream/curse, stare into space, whatthefuckever...the important thing is you have someone there to do it with who wants to share that burden with you to lessen your pain/frustration/anger and help you come out stronger and better for it on the other side.

My point is, don't NOT write here what your heart is yearning to release because you feel like you owe anyone a bucket full of sunshine with every post. Yeah, not everyone is going to get it. But whatever is weighing on your spirit right now needs to be set free because I promise you aren't the first the last or the only one. So there will be those who have come from it too, who will feel your words and sentiment echo through their hearts like their own. There will be those who can't commiserate from experience but will be empathetic nonetheless. And like you yourself said, your words can help someone else seeking the same healing you are. And if anyone is really a jerk about it, well, ain't nobody got time for that and they can go scratch. 

There are plenty of times and opportunities for puppies and rainbows. But the truth is, a rainbow comes after the storm. And some storms are doozies and we have talk about that tough shit before we can really appreciate the rainbows that follow. 

PS, best comment ever.  

So, I'm taking a deep breath and I'm dumping my burden(s).  It's too much for one post and I'm going to do my best to stay up at night and get it out, because indeed, my heart is yearning for release (so frickin poetic and spot on.)  

Initially, I thought of everyone else.  I absolutely do not choose to hurt anyone with my words; my only goal in this is to get back to center.  I don't want to cry anymore; I want to feel happy again.  However, I feel that old pull of my childhood - what goes on in our family stays in our family.  That was drummed into us from so early, and it's so damaging because only people who have dark shit to hide say things like that.

So no more.  I won't be silent anymore (that sounded way more dramatic than necessary.)  I'm not holding anyone's secrets anymore.

It's JUST like that.

Sofia just woke up so I have to go, but I won't leave you with a ridiculous cliffhanger.  But seriously, it's way too much for one blog post so I'm just going to put it out there and I'll sort through it in the coming days.

Fuck.  Where do I start........

Ugh.

Whatever.  I'm diving in.  Shit.  Fuck it.

....................................

Eight days ago, I found out I have a sister.

My father pretended it never happened.  That his first wife and his first daughter, never happened.

My mother knew.  She lied to me.  All this time.  They lied to me.  To us.  She stood back and let my dad make my dating life a living hell, knowing that he was just as dirty as he made me out to be.

There was no reason to lie; I've spoken with her (my SISTER.  I can't even deal with this shit.  I have a NIECE and a NEPHEW.  WTF.)  She seems like a perfectly decent person; it's not like she's some back-alley crack whore.  She's a regular person and he turned his back on her!  And she let him!  I just can't. *Coming back to clarify:  When I say 'she let him' I'm talking about my mom.  My mom let my dad turn his back on his first daughter, not 'she' my sister.  She was two when they got divorced, she had no say in the matter.

So there's that.

And oh yeah, because that's not enough, I'm also pregnant.  Precisely four weeks after my miscarriage, I found out I was pregnant again.  You could have knocked me over with a feather.  I've had an ultrasound and there was a heartbeat but it was slow.  I have another ultrasound tomorrow to see if it's gotten stronger or if it slowed down and stopped.  Every time I go to the bathroom - EVERY TIME - I look for blood, certain that I'm about to have my fifth miscarriage.  EVERY TIME I feel another cramp or twinge, I'm convinced that this is it.  Since I found out, I've been on pins and needles and my nerves are shot.  I've been so ridiculously sick that I don't even want to think about food or smells or anything, but every second I'm not sick, I'm convinced that it's dead.  And since I'm not bleeding, well of course that means I have to have another D&C.

I feel like my family has fallen apart - I don't even know my own parents anymore.  And what the hell am I supposed to do with my life if I have another miscarriage?  A FIFTH miscarriage?  

And what the F do I do with a SISTER?

So yeah, this is some straight-up Maury Povich-Jerry Springer bullshit happening 'round these parts.

At any rate, you are not the father I thought you were.

For real though.

Ok, so now I've put my garbage out there, I must ask a few things:

This is some ridiculous dramatic bullshit right here, and I fully understand the desire to curl up on the sofa with some popcorn to watch the train wreck.  However, if that's all you're here for, please stay quiet.  It may be your entertainment, but it's my life and I'm taking a gigantic risk putting this much out there.  Please respect what I'm doing here.

But by all means, if you have some words of encouragement or coping skills that have helped you, please speak up.  My head hurts from trying to process all this crap and I'm open to all advice that will make this less painful.

Thank you in advance for being there for me.  I already feel a little better.