I will break these chains

One afternoon, Drew and I were sitting at the dining room table and I asked him what he thought about spanking.  It hadn't occurred to me to ask him before we had a kid and I suddenly found myself getting nervous.  I had no idea where he stood on the subject and in my mind, I began planning how Sofia and I would steal away in the night, should he answer wrong.  It seemed like a long time, but it was no more than a second or two when he looked me in the eye and said,

"Belts are for keeping your pants up."

No lie, it was the single most romantic thing he has ever said to me.  I'm not the mushy gushy type, but I never loved him more than I did in that moment.  I felt safe.

That's how I know the cycle stops with me.  I have already made different choices than the ones my mother made.  My daughter's father is different from my own.  Her childhood is and will be completely different from mine and I did that.  I am breaking these chains.

For one thing, I respect Sofia as a person.  The parent-child relationship is the only one in existence where the balance of power is so skewed.  Actually there is no balance; the parent has 100% of the power 100% of the time.  Sofia didn't choose me or Drew.  She didn't choose this life and she is completely powerless over her world.  Plus, as a brand new person on this Earth, she doesn't have the skills and knowledge that I do; she is learning as she goes.  Unfortunately, you don't hear enough talk about people respecting children because too often they are treated like second-class citizens in our society.  This notion that they should be seen and not heard is not as old and out-dated as I'd like it to be.  Children are seen as objects to control and break and conform to some idea of what a person should be.  There is no thought to the fact that they already came into this world as fully-formed people and as parents, it's our job to keep them safe as they discover their place on this planet, just as we do everyday.

I certainly wasn't raised that way; I had no opinions, I wasn't respected and I was definitely controlled.  I try not to blame my parents because I want to believe that they simply didn't know better, as we all only have one story to tell.  I'm not always successful and I still have a good amount of resentment towards them.  However, I do know better so I'm going to do better.

I tell Sofia I love her a million times a day, and more importantly so does her father.  We are breaking these chains.  She is safe and happy and because her environment is positive and encouraging, she is confident about exploring and she knows that when things get too big or scary, she has a soft place to land.  When she falls, she is quick to get up and brush herself off, saying "I'm okay Mommy."  And when she isn't okay, she knows that she can come to me for hugs and kisses and reassurance.  A lot of it seems like a no-brainer but a lot of times it doesn't happen, and I certainly remember times when I could have used a hug after falling, physically and metaphorically.

We don't hit or yell either.  Again, it seems like a no-brainer but we all know it's not, and I will never understand those who think that those are effective teaching tools.  Sofia is 100% dependent on me/us for everything in her world, she has nowhere near the maturity, coping skills or knowledge that we have, yet it's her fault for doing something 'wrong?'  It's her fault if she has a meltdown in Target?  Never mind that it's past naptime, or she's hungry, or this is the fifth store I dragged her to, but no, she's freaking out just to piss me off?  Really?  And so she should get smacked for that?  Really?

I have the power; I have the control.  It's up to me to keep my cool at all times in all things.  It's up to me to know her limits, read her cues and act accordingly.  And God knows, sometimes I have to drag her to five stores and sometimes we have to be out past naptime and God KNOWS I've been the Target meltdown mom because sometimes life happens like that, but it's never her fault.  

It's not easy and I've had to put myself in timeout to catch my breath sometimes.  It's frustrating and there sure have been times when I fantasize about escaping just for a few days just so I'm not on call 24-7.  But that's usually when I'm sleep deprived and the house is dirty and the laundry is a mile high and she just won't take a nap so I can get stuff done.  Actually, that's how I spent this past week.

But then, just as I reach the end of my rope, she'll go down for a nap and I can breathe again.  Or I hang out with one of my girlfriends and she's going through the same thing with her son and we draw strength from each other, just enough to get back in the ring.  And a new day begins.

My daughter is the coolest kid on the planet.  She's smart, she's opinionated, she's funny, and she's an absolute joy in my life.  I wish she wouldn't fight me for diaper changes and it would be cool if she wouldn't pee on the floor, but I just remember that she's figuring things out and she's definitely not doing it on purpose.  I respect her, I will keep her safe and not a day will go by that I don't kiss her a million times and tell her I love her.

It's my job and I love it.  The cycle stops with me; I will break these chains and I will do better.

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Thank you for listening and I think that we should lighten things up around this joint, and what better way to shake off the old than to get down with some new?  Check it!

First there was this.

Then there was this.

Then came this.

Let's talk decorating, shall we?  We've been switching and changing all around the house and I have some fun and happy stories to tell!  It's about time for that, right?  Anyway, I'll be back soon with all the details and I hope you like them.  

Have a wonderful weekend!