This time is no different.
Writing is how I cope and how I stay sane and I've debated writing my story in a public forum (here) or privately. One on hand, I'm tired of keeping secrets. Secrets are terrible things that eat away at your soul and make you a bitter person. There is no such thing as a good secret. Surprises are okay, secrets are not and once again, I'm proving to be terrible at bearing this burden. I'm just not cut out to 'carry things to my grave.'
I would write publicly in the hopes that sharing my story would provide a sense of solidarity to someone else who is going through some things. Perhaps reading my words would allow someone else to set their burden down, ask for help or finally just tell their story. It's cathartic to exhale.
However, when you step up to a public forum you also open yourself to ridicule. In these years that I've been blogging and you've been reading you have witnessed me make my way through all kinds of triumphs and tribulations (PS, I don't say tribulations in real life, but that's the word that came to me. In real life, I'm more apt to say 'hard shit.' Don't want y'all to think I'm suddenly putting on airs.) Every word I write is a choice and I want to share now, but I'm really struggling with how much is too much. I know that none of you sit up at night and think about me, but I still feel a sense of obligation to you, to be someone other than who I am in this present moment.
Sometimes I feel like it's too much. I feel like I owe it to you to be light and happy and funny. I feel like I should entertain you - it's the least I can do if you take time out to come and see me. Who wants to go visit a friend when their friend is all down in the dumps?
But that's where I am - Dump City, USA. I want to share, I want to sort through this burden 'out loud.' Drew has been a good sounding board, but you guys are there for me in a different way that's just as vital. You get me in a way that Drew can't, and there's nothing wrong with that. He fills a need for me that you guys can't and that's the way of things and it's okay.
And maybe I should just try to put on a happy face and tell you only light and happy and funny things. It's just that in this moment, it feels so fake. It's like trying to smile when your arm is chopped off and you're bleeding all over the place. If you have a chopped off arm, it should be okay to cry about it.
I don't want to be silent. I don't want to feel alone. But I'm scared that if I open my mouth this time, y'all will be a smoke trail running away from me as fast as you can; running off to the shiny happy funny blogs that don't burden you with this bullshit. And you'd be perfectly within your rights; after all, blog reading is a past time, it's for enjoyment.
But I don't know, sometimes? Maybe? You make a connection with people? Maybe you care about them a little bit? Maybe you could offer a shoulder to cry on, just one more time?
It's so much to ask, and I apologize for even considering dumping it all out, just one more time. I just want to be heard. I just want to feel like I'm not the only one out there and maybe this isn't the way to do it, but I write. It's all I really know how to do.
Ok, that was the most downer of all downer blog posts ever in life. I am SO SORRY you guys. But my funny is broken right now. I'm sorry.
Oh Lordy lady - 90% of the benefit of blogging for me has been during the TOUGH times. Getting support from others who have been there done that or at least heard of a friend who went through it or who are at the very least decent ppl who cared enough about me to read and listen and comment. Write away, Des, write away...
ReplyDeleteI read--sunshine happy or the opposite end of the spectrum. It kinda makes me feel a little less alone to know other people deal with tough shit, too.
ReplyDeleteto answer your question, " Who wants to go visit a friend when their friend is all down in the dumps?"...a FRIEND does. I've tried blogging and it just hasn't worked for me, but I have been reading yours for a long time and responding more as of late. So maybe I'm not in the blog friend space yet, but I AM in the friend space for a lot of people. And I am BLESSED with some amazing friends. And when things are great and happy go lucky, its easy to get lost in living our own lives now that we are all in the real grown up part of life (marriage, kids, ect). But when a friend is down in the dumps? THAT is when we have like, a gravitational pull towards one another. Because the question isn't who wants to visit a friend when they are down...obviously no one does...bc who wants their friend to be down? Which is why you go, and whether you cry together, kick/scream/curse, stare into space, whatthefuckever...the important thing is you have someone there to do it with who wants to share that burden with you to lessen your pain/frustration/anger and help you come out stronger and better for it on the other side.
ReplyDeleteMy point is, don't NOT write here what your heart is yearning to release because you feel like you owe anyone a bucket full of sunshine with every post. Yeah, not everyone is going to get it. But whatever is weighing on your spirit right now needs to be set free because I promise you aren't the first the last or the only one. So there will be those who have come from it too, who will feel your words and sentiment echo through their hearts like their own. There will be those who can't commiserate from experience but will be empathetic nonetheless. And like you yourself said, your words can help someone else seeking the same healing you are. And if anyone is really a jerk about it, well, ain't nobody got time for that and they can go scratch.
There are plenty of times and opportunities for puppies and rainbows. But the truth is, a rainbow comes after the storm. And some storms are doozies and we have talk about that tough shit before we can really appreciate the rainbows that follow.
I appreciate the honesty, whether it's funny or dumpy. I like that your "real" and you talk about things that are hard/challenging and exciting and fun. It's real life. Regardless of what you write, i'm an interested reader. Your little girl is ADORABLE and I applaud you with your clotting disorder and keeping a level head. You may not feel like you do, but from here it seems like you make the best damn lemonade you can out of the lemons of life your dealt.
ReplyDeleteWho are the a**holes that put negative things on people's blogs when they open up? I have NEVER experienced it and I would lose all class and demeanor, should it occur. I can be a #dressedupthug when need be. lol.
ReplyDeleteLife is NOT always a box of chocolate, sometimes some black licorice (GROSS!) gets intermingled. You have a lifestyle blog. Your readers (and hopefully some of us are also considered friends) have fallen in love (#pause) with you and your family. We are here for you whether you are on ten with sunshine and clouds.... or having a dark thunderstorm.
That is life, doll. All of us will go through things at some time or another. you have our support.
I am thinking about you. I hope everything is ok if it isn't let me know what we can do to help. Email me if you need to but I say GET IT OUT.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all - I totally do sit up at night thinking of you. No joke. Part of it may be pregnancy insomnia, but I totally think about you. :) You're my girl and I worry. Also - DO NOT feel bad about not being sunshine and rainbows all the time. I wish I had 1/10 of your honesty sometimes! Seriously! Your bravery too... I'm definitely a chicken shit when it comes to sharing drama on the blog. You do you... whatever is going to help you through it! You know I'm not running away to a sunshine blog. :)
ReplyDeleteActually, without coming across as the crazy blog stalker, I do think about you at night. More than you know, and for reasons that I'll keep to myself, but in large part because our journey has been very similar. My miscarriages haven't been for the same reasons yours have, but the recent ones were timed almost exactly with yours. Also, our kids seem to be twins separated at birth (not in the way they look, but their nursing, sleeping, general personality, behavior, etc).
ReplyDelete"Who wants to go visit a friend when their friend is all down in the dumps?" I do. I would do anything for my friends: drop anything, do whatever I could if a friend needed me. I think talk therapy is one of the best ways to heal, and what better way to do that than in the company of a friend who loves you and wants the best for you? Because let's face it -- men don't need to discuss things ad nauseum the way women do. My husband's like, Didn't we just talk about this? And I'm like, But I need to talk about it from every angle and just talk about it MORE.
Also, I think you highly underestimate your friends. People who've come to care about you through your blog will only think about you more, send you more good vibes, pray about you more, leave you nice comments, whatever, when you pour out your heart. I mean, isn't that what friends are for? Anyone who's hear just for the laughs wouldn't be a good friend in real life anyway, so who cares about them. They'll go find their laughs someplace else.
Lastly, it's really nice to see someone's life on the Internet that's just not a highlight reel. It's nice to see the uncut version. You working through your shit might help someone else work through theirs. Maybe someone who you've never met will leave a comment that changes your perspective and in turn changes your life. Isn't that what life is about? Helping each other through this crazy world, picking each other up, and helping even one life be less painful?
My absolute favorite thing about you and your blog is your honesty! Whether it's happy honesty, sad honesty or mad honesty. AND, even when you aren't "light and happy and funny" you are still entertaining and manage to get a joke thrown in. My LEAST favorite thing about blog reading is the fakeness and I definitely don't have that problem here! Keep being you girl and keep sharing what you feel you want to share. XO.
ReplyDeleteI just came to say this, this here blog is about you and your life. Thats the good, the bad, the in-between times. You don't have to put on for anyone. You don't have to always be on. To be really, really, people who are ALWAYS on are truly fake and that's just not real life. Be who you are and don't worry about how people feel about it. In the end, you have to do whatever makes you the most happy.
ReplyDeleteYou already know this... but I am ALWAYS here for you. A-L-W-A-Y-S! Despite the distance I'm a mere 10 digits away. You've been there for me when I'm down in the dumps and the same applies for you. I'm sorry I don't check bogger very much. :( And I'm sorry that I've missed that you've been down in the dumps. I love you.
ReplyDeleteForever -- your monkee friend! :)