His eye is on the sparrow - and the trees too

Today was better than yesterday, so at least there's that.  The bleeding is slowing to a trickle, for which I am exceedingly thankful.  I had nightmares visions of bleeding for a month straight and I'm so glad it's slowing down within a reasonable time.  Drew is gone for the week and I actually think that might help things.  Not that I want him gone by any stretch of the imagination but I think the alone time will be good for the healing process.


Drew really has been great.  He took over all household duties for the past couple of days, even cooking Easter dinner for us.

 We set the timer and took a picture of the two of us but he looked evil and I looked like I hadn't showered in days.  Which I hadn't. The food looks much better.  We had amazing roast turkey and brussel sprouts with 

rosemary potatoes and pineapple - which was surprisingly good.

Yes baby, you did a good job with the potatoes and pineapple.  I'm sorry I doubted you. 

You are a culinary genius.  For real - I'm not being funny.  Thank you for making dinner.

Oh yeah, I can drink wine now.  Again, I mean.

Maya and her Easter dinner.

1.5 seconds later.

I've discovered that it's really hard to be down and hate life and shake your fist at the sky in the springtime.  You have to be made of stone not to be moved by the budding flowers pushing through the ground and the fragrance of the flowers that are in full bloom.  There's something about the trees and flowers that calms and quiets my soul.  Because of this, I've spent much of the past four days outside, mostly in our 'new' backyard.

The backyard last May, shortly after we moved in.  

The landscapers moved so quickly I couldn't get true 'before' shots but the grass had gotten much more sparse since then and desperately needed help.

The backyard after.

These guys got moved and in their place will be my vegetable garden.

I'm going to see if I can grow strawberries, tomatoes, peppers and whatever else 

I can fit in this space.

In their new home, nicely filling in that bald spot.  

I can't wait till the ground cover matures!

They transplanted some other shrubs and ground cover which left room for six magnolia trees.  We got them for a steal!  At the nursery, they were $130 each - no way we were paying that much but I loved the idea of magnolia trees.  They're so Southern!  Well, it just so happened that our landscaper had just done a job where they had to pull up seven magnolia trees and when he offered to give them to us for just $50 a piece, he was hired on the spot!  Coincidence?  I think not.

My six steel magnolias.  

In these pictures, you can sort of see how bad the grass had gotten.

Our rose bushes bloomed too - Drew pruned them and brought them inside and made bouquets for me.  I took pictures of all of them and made a new header so you can enjoy them too!  I've got them placed all around the house and they have done so much to lift my spirits.

Today, the dog was going insane begging for a walk and with Drew gone, I sort of had to leave the backyard.   So, for the first time since we've had the dog I grabbed my iPod for our walk.  Why it had never occurred to me before, I have no idea - it's not like she was going to talk to me!  I chose some chill yoga music and we set off.

With the soft and gentle music in my ears and the dog walking calmly beside me, I just took in the neighborhood.  There are two flowering trees on either side of our house in our neighbors' yards.  I thought they were lilacs but I just googled them and they don't have the same flowers, so I don't know what they are.  Whatever they were, I bent down to each one and inhaled my biggest breath.  You just can't be sad when you're smelling flowers.

As soon as I step out my front door I can smell them.

Two houses to the left - they're so lucky!

Coming in close for a sniff.

Another one a couple blocks away.

This tree really moved me.  I'll explain in a second.  But for now, just notice how it's all protected with bark near the base but as it gets taller the bark falls away.

At the very top, there's almost no bark left.

Okay, so here's where I get deep-thinking and emotional and possibly weird and maybe I lose you.  Feel free to stop reading here, but I'm going to keep writing because I sort of have to.  Because I'll kinda go nuts if I don't.

So, the tree.  I kind of identified with this tree.  How at the base it has bark, as maybe a sort of protection.  And as the tree gets taller/older the bark/protection begins to fall away, leaving the tree 'exposed.'  Maybe that's not ideal but maybe the tree wouldn't be able to grow if it didn't give up/lose its bark.  As the tree gets older, more and more bark/protection falls away and it has to grow regardless.  No matter how much it hurts to have your protection/innocence taken from you.    

No matter how much you'd prefer to just stay small and protected so that nothing would ever hurt you or get taken away from you.  No matter how much each piece of bark that gets stripped away hurts all over again just like it's the first time.  Maybe the tree had a conversation with God and was all, 'So, I'd really prefer to keep my bark and not have to lose any pieces of it.  Ever.  I like my bark and would like to keep all of it.  What do you say?'  And then maybe God was like, 'I'm so sorry.' And then maybe the tree was like, 'Aw, come on, please?  It sucks losing my bark, I don't like it and it makes me cry.  Please can't I just keep it?  I don't like growing without my bark - I need it.  I can't grow without it.' And then maybe God was like, 'Yes you can.  Please just trust me.'

Yet when you look up at that super tall tree, you notice that's there are only little bits of bark at the very top and the tree is doing just fine.  

How do you explain that you feel like those naked branches, raw and exposed?  How do you explain that you fervently hope that you'll have the strength and courage to stand tall when you really just wish you were covered with bark so you remain protected from all things?  I may or may not have wrapped my arms around that tree and cried, hoping that no one came walking by because how do you explain that you're hugging a tree because you understand that growth doesn't always come on your terms, that it can be horribly painful to lose something you really want yet in the end, with time, you will stand tall with your face to the sun?  

I headed home with the gentle yoga music in my ears, still crying but feeling a little more comforted in my soul.