And then my doggie. My precious, GIANT, 80-pound doggie, who thinks she's the size of a chihuahua. Well you're not, Maya-face. You're a frickin beast and I've just about had it with you s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g out across the king size bed and then dreaming about whatever the hell she dreams about and kicking me in the back because I've turned away from Drew's yuck-mouth.
Never mind that turning from side-to-side requires me to wake all the way up, strategize my moves, execute a four-point turn to get to the other side, rearrange my pillows only to have the dog wake up, sigh and change position - laying directly on my feet and legs. Have you ever tried to get an 80-pound animal off your legs while said animal is sound asleep? I kick her and I'm sure to her it feels like a tiny little butterfly has just flitted by in her dreams to say hello.
Forget any covers. When an 80-pound animal and a 200-pound husband is hogging all of them, you know who gets the corner? The pregnant one. How is that fair? How is that right? And even though I get hot flashes, they're just flashes. I need to be able to take the covers off and then put them back on when it's passed. And OMG, the
I try all the things my mom told me when I was little: Lie very still with your eyes closed and you'll be asleep in no time; count sheep; think of something boring (okay my mom never said that to me but I'm desperate!)
I don't want to take sleeping pills because I hate the drugged-out feeling that I get with them. Besides, I don't know what's safe in pregnancy and I just really don't want to take any pills.
I just want my dog and my husband to realize that I Am Pregnant And I Need My Mother-Effin SLEEP!
Gah, I feel so much better now that I've gotten that off my chest!
It's so odd being in this place. I know that I'm feeling everything that a normal regular pregnant person is feeling, there is nothing new or unique about my ailments. Even Rixa Freeze is having trouble sleeping. I am not special or unique and I'm doing something that kabillions of women have done before me. It's humbling and comforting - this is a worn and familiar path and all I have to do is follow in the footsteps.
And yet, with every POW! kick I still get scared if that'll be the last one. With one breath I wish they weren't so hard and with the next I pray that God didn't hear me, even encouraging her to kick harder to let me know she's still in there. Even as I mumble and groan when she kicks me all night long, when she's quiet in the daytime I can't help but wonder if last night was it. I don't suppose that will ever go away.
The other day I was getting ready for work, exasperated because I'd gotten no sleep when I got some whopper kicks. I swear the kid is speed-bagging me. I stopped, bent over and Drew was all is she kicking you? I looked up and snapped "Yes Drew, she's kicking me. Because I'm pregnant. I'm always pregnant. I'm never not pregnant. Not when I sleep, not when I drive, not when I sit, she's always kicking me because I'm always pregnant."
For a moment I had an out of body experience. Part of me was scared God heard me and I wanted to take back all my complaining. The other part of me felt, well, like a regular pregnant person and honestly the words just kind of came out.
I remember the ultrasound with no beating heart, I remember bleeding like a stuck pig - way too clearly. But this is me too. Right now, there is a little girl inside me that is having the time of her life treating my guts like her own personal boxing gym and while I'm so very thankful for that, it doesn't change the fact that it doesn't feel good.
Some days I feel like I should bear it all with a smile - the no sleep, clothes not fitting, getting punched from the inside, the hot flashes, all of it. Because there are so many women who would give everything to be in my spot. It just kind of reminds me of the whole 'starving children in Ethiopia' guilt trip you got for not eating your veggies. And I'm not quite sure how to reconcile that.
But I guess I have a few more months to figure it out, right?
Okay. So? I read a lot of blogs. Women who have struggled with getting pregnant in any fashion and desperately want a baby tend to hate on women who moan a little about the aches and pains of pregnancy. Right? I know when I lost our first, that I would look at every pregnant woman and side-eye them like, "you couldnt possibly be grateful for that pregnancy like I would". (Now I say that, and realize I sound like a total douchebag)-but dude, feelings are real.
ReplyDeleteAlso, lots of women who have dealt with infertility of any kind say things like, "I won't ever complain! ever!". Well, listen. If they've never been there, never FELT the aches and pains, the wear and tear having a baby puts on your body, the exhaustion, the lack of sleep, the EVERYTHING--they can't say there won't be any moments of "wahhhhhh". Because, seriously ? We're human. Growing a baby is tough work. Some days, no big deal--others? Its harder.
At the end, it really, really is hard on your body. You're just ready.
It DOES NOT mean you are ungrateful in any, way, shape or form. It means you're being realistic.
I had to bitch and moan a bit about the unglamorous side of pregnancy MULTIPLE times...(Dude, I peed my pants while puking all the way up till 24 weeks..THAT IS NOT COOL)--
That doesnt mean I was ungrateful. IN fact, I was so totally in awe, and amazed by everything pregnancy (even the sickness/pain/everything) that I swear I could get in a fist fight with anyone who ever claimed otherwise.
So.
I just want to say. You're normal and human and despite feeling exhausted and ::gasp:: writing about it---it doesnt change how grateful and excited you are to be carrying around this little ninja. ok?
Oh, and ps: I'm gonna be "that bitch" for a second ;) After my last two nights with a really sick baby....sadly...the exhaustion can get worse. I was up every 25-30 minutes with a hacking little girl, and it was miserable for both of us. Holy gosh. and then? The next day you have to be her mom still and be all cheery. Its rough. I cried once. I did.
But, yea-
Longest comment ever.
Ha! I feel like I wrote the dog-and-man-in-bed part in my dreams last night and you posted it for me:o) Wait, I didn't HAVE dreams because I didn't have sleep. The last 2 nights have been the first ones when I really cannot sleep and have a countdown to when the alarm goes off. I think I read that we can take unisom and that is it. I agree about not feeling drugged up, though. I might start going to the couch to read, because that usually knocks me out! Good luck tonight!
ReplyDeleteOh soon to be mama. You're in the final stretch!! YOU CAN DO IT!
ReplyDeleteI don't think you're feeling anything absurd. Hell, I'm only 7 weeks and just the other day, I wished I was already at 9 months and in labor so it could be done.
ReplyDeletePregnancy is hard... although the results are beautiful.
For your sleep, have you seen one of these:
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2267435
My friend's husband got one for her and she swore by it. She let me borrow hers. I am already experiencing discomfort sleeping due to my heavy feeling stomach and my back pain and this pillow makes me sleep like a baby!!!
She also let me borrow this one, which I haven't tried yet because my belly isn't big enough yet.
http://www.google.com/products/catalog?q=pregnancy+pillow+wedge&hl=en&rlz=1R2ACAW_enUS367&prmd=ivns&resnum=1&wrapid=tlif12937297692511&um=1&ie=UTF-8&cid=4916163474706491809&ei=9r8cTaG-NsGs8Ab-gY3HDQ&sa=X&oi=product_catalog_result&ct=result&resnum=4&ved=0CGYQ8wIwAw#
Perfectly honest. :)
ReplyDeleteDesiree,
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by and commenting on my blog. It's wonderful to hear that there are MANY women out there who made the same choice that I did and were able to continue on to have happy, successful lives and healthy families.
I'm actually really excited to read your blog. It appears to be a very honest (and humorous) account of pregnancy. I'm still not sure when or if I'll ever be ready for motherhood, but it seems like a fascinating experience and I'm super curious about it (the good and the bad).
PS You're freaking gorgeous!
I don't think you're being selfish at all. I'm 29 weeks. I've had two m/c's and if something is bothering me with this pregnancy I say it. It's not really complaining. I mean pregnancy isn't all happy go lucky. It hurts sometimes. It makes you feel crappy too.
ReplyDeleteYou get pushed in a corner, and I get accused of stealing real estate in the bed. lol
I'm at the stage now where I just fall asleep at any given moment. I get sciatica pain too. My little girls kicks are harder and harder. Feeling them are reassurance that she is still alive and well. I wonder if people who haven't
I just started following your blog and I love it!
beautyandthebump.blogspot.com
It's one of those cruelties of the universe that pregnancy is so disruptive of sleep. I've tried hard not to complain too much about the discomforts because I had several years of infertility before we got pregnant with our first--but like one of your commenters said, it's still hard even though you ARE so thankful to be pregnant.
ReplyDeleteHave you thought of trying a maternity air mattress? It would solve several of your sleep issues--you could sleep on your stomach, have the covers all to yourself, and keep your dog off the bed too (assuming you make the dog stay on the king!). Maybe you could even contact one of the companies and see if they'd send you one in exchange for doing a review.
we know how ya feel. pregnancy is defnintely not for the faint of heart. lucky for me, a person very close to me was preggo at the same time and our due dates were close, so we could bitch and moan to each other to our hearts content without getting the "pregnancy is a blessing" speech.
ReplyDeletehang in there!
Desiree,
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by and commenting on my blog. It's wonderful to hear that there are MANY women out there who made the same choice that I did and were able to continue on to have happy, successful lives and healthy families.
I'm actually really excited to read your blog. It appears to be a very honest (and humorous) account of pregnancy. I'm still not sure when or if I'll ever be ready for motherhood, but it seems like a fascinating experience and I'm super curious about it (the good and the bad).
PS You're freaking gorgeous!
I don't think you're feeling anything absurd. Hell, I'm only 7 weeks and just the other day, I wished I was already at 9 months and in labor so it could be done.
ReplyDeletePregnancy is hard... although the results are beautiful.
For your sleep, have you seen one of these:
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2267435
My friend's husband got one for her and she swore by it. She let me borrow hers. I am already experiencing discomfort sleeping due to my heavy feeling stomach and my back pain and this pillow makes me sleep like a baby!!!
She also let me borrow this one, which I haven't tried yet because my belly isn't big enough yet.
http://www.google.com/products/catalog?q=pregnancy+pillow+wedge&hl=en&rlz=1R2ACAW_enUS367&prmd=ivns&resnum=1&wrapid=tlif12937297692511&um=1&ie=UTF-8&cid=4916163474706491809&ei=9r8cTaG-NsGs8Ab-gY3HDQ&sa=X&oi=product_catalog_result&ct=result&resnum=4&ved=0CGYQ8wIwAw#
Okay. So? I read a lot of blogs. Women who have struggled with getting pregnant in any fashion and desperately want a baby tend to hate on women who moan a little about the aches and pains of pregnancy. Right? I know when I lost our first, that I would look at every pregnant woman and side-eye them like, "you couldnt possibly be grateful for that pregnancy like I would". (Now I say that, and realize I sound like a total douchebag)-but dude, feelings are real.
ReplyDeleteAlso, lots of women who have dealt with infertility of any kind say things like, "I won't ever complain! ever!". Well, listen. If they've never been there, never FELT the aches and pains, the wear and tear having a baby puts on your body, the exhaustion, the lack of sleep, the EVERYTHING--they can't say there won't be any moments of "wahhhhhh". Because, seriously ? We're human. Growing a baby is tough work. Some days, no big deal--others? Its harder.
At the end, it really, really is hard on your body. You're just ready.
It DOES NOT mean you are ungrateful in any, way, shape or form. It means you're being realistic.
I had to bitch and moan a bit about the unglamorous side of pregnancy MULTIPLE times...(Dude, I peed my pants while puking all the way up till 24 weeks..THAT IS NOT COOL)--
That doesnt mean I was ungrateful. IN fact, I was so totally in awe, and amazed by everything pregnancy (even the sickness/pain/everything) that I swear I could get in a fist fight with anyone who ever claimed otherwise.
So.
I just want to say. You're normal and human and despite feeling exhausted and ::gasp:: writing about it---it doesnt change how grateful and excited you are to be carrying around this little ninja. ok?
Oh, and ps: I'm gonna be "that bitch" for a second ;) After my last two nights with a really sick baby....sadly...the exhaustion can get worse. I was up every 25-30 minutes with a hacking little girl, and it was miserable for both of us. Holy gosh. and then? The next day you have to be her mom still and be all cheery. Its rough. I cried once. I did.
But, yea-
Longest comment ever.