Countdown

Thank you all so much for your kind words of encouragement.  Even though I can't say that I've fully accepted reality, I'm closer than I was yesterday so at least there's that.  I'm behind on my emails but I will respond to everyone that I can - maybe I'll use my hospital time to get caught up.


People have been saying "there's still time!  You could go into labor before the 11th!" and for that I love and appreciate you.  I love that everyone cares enough about me to know how important this is to me and are doing their best to give me hope.  You guys are the greatest and I appreciate you so much.


However, I really just want to focus on being calm and feeling like I have to 'beat the clock' is definitely not the path to peace.  I know I could go into labor before the 11th but I'm not attaching myself to the idea because I know that if I do, I will be that much more upset if nothing happens by the 11th and I have to go ahead with the induction anyway.  I'm focusing on peace and calm and tranquility and acceptance of what is, not what might be or what I wish.  I must deal with what is.


I did absolutely nothing yesterday.  I sat down to my desk at 8:30 and I blinked and it was 5:30.  I couldn't focus on anything but the clock on my computer and all I could think was 'this time next week I'll probably be in labor.  This time next week I'll be pushing.  This time next week I'll be holding my baby' and I couldn't get any work done.  I still have to write up the document for my replacement to ensure that whoever takes my place can have a smooth transition and not make life hard for my boss and colleagues.  I still have thank-you notes to write.  But yesterday I couldn't do it.  Because I knew, I KNOW, when my daughter is coming and I couldn't think of anything else.

We are ready.

The Assault Stroller is assembled

Laying in wait, ready to roll over unsuspecting toes, 

prepared to ram innocent ankles.

Seriously, this thing is a beast!

The pack n play is assembled.

Drew's parents will be sleeping in the nursery while 

they're here with us, so the baby will sleep in our room.

The part of Sofia will be played by Lipschitz the monkey.

My friend got us this monkey the first time around and her 

husband thought that was Drew's last name and it stuck.

Hell, Drew is even getting push presents!

Between the new floors, the new landscaping and the new computer, 

you'd think *he* was the one having a baby.

He's nesting way more than I am.

My last day of work is tomorrow.  Drew's parents arrive tomorrow, mine arrive Saturday, I go to the hospital Sunday night and Monday she should be here.  Because of that, I didn't want to work a full week and feel like I had no time to breathe and simply absorb the magnitude of these last days.  I will never again have this experience.  Should I ever get to have another child, I will be just an incubator.  I won't have the chance to sit and meditate because I'm sure I'll be chasing after an active child day and night.  I will never again have a first child.  I will never again have the luxury of a semi-quiet house where I can be alone with my thoughts.  It will never again be like this - different of course, better maybe, but never again like this.  I feel that weight and I want to fall under it, I want to curl up and surround myself with it.  I really frickin need a cave right about now.


But there is still much to do.  I have to wash the sheets on the bed for Drew's parents.  I have to clean the toilets.  We have to pack our bags.  We have to figure out what we're packing in the bags.  I need to pick out her coming-home outfit.  I have to wash my hair.  I'd like to get a pedicure.  I want to be pretty when I meet my daughter.  After all, she's going to be a diva - she needs someone to show her the ropes and I can't do that looking a hot mess now can I?  


Most of all, I have to get my head around my hospital stay. 


I've never stayed overnight in a hospital.  I mean, not since I was a baby.  Of course, I'd planned to - after she was born.  The going in before she's born part is throwing me for a loop.  I really hope the nurses are nice to me because I'm already scared and my fear-coping method is to get bitchy.  I'm not perfect but it is what it is.  In preparation, I've been reading up on labor induction so I can familiarize myself with what exactly is going to happen and how I can best express my preferences within these new constraints because if I have to do this, I'm going to get educated and be involved and speak up for myself.  It's just that I can't stop thinking 'you buy the hospital ticket, you get the hospital ride' and I can't help but wonder if I'll be overpowered and outnumbered.  My doctor is on my side but she's not going to be there 24/7.  Maybe there should be some sort of way to screen everyone who comes into my room:  'are you a good witch or a bad witch?' 


I don't know what Drew's thinking or how he's feeling in these final days.  I sense that he's more comfortable with a solid date, that the uncertainty of spontaneous labor has been lifted and he's a little more at ease with concrete facts.  Of course, he too tells me that I could go on my own beforehand and doesn't understand why I can't entertain that thought and he gets exasperated and rolls his eyes at my 'negativity.'  I don't care to explain and I just try to shut it out.  If I figure out a way to split my energy between the desire to go into labor on my own and the need to accept an induction, he'll be the first to hear about it.  


We deal with things differently.  I don't know where his head is and I don't think he feels the weight like I do.  I think he's more concerned with money than anything else and I think he's still pretty scarred by our past.  I'm not sure what he's thinking and I guess that's all okay.  Maybe we're meant to share this journey but on parallel paths.


I just know that another day is almost over and I'm one day closer to the big show.