Cramping is a common symptom in early pregnancy. It means the embryo is moving in, hammering nails, hanging pictures, shoving furniture against the wall, getting cozy.
It's also a sign of miscarriage.
Spotting is also common. It's just old blood and nothing to be worried about.
Unless you know, you're about to have a miscarriage.
Progesterone suppositories can mildly irritate the cervix, causing spotting.
So can a miscarriage.
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I knew I should have kept my mouth shut. I should have waited to say anything because I'm not that person who gets to have normal worry-free pregnancies.
Then again, maybe I am. I don't know, and that's why early pregnancy sucks giant hairy donkey balls.
I'm fucking having brown discharge. Typing that is way way too much information and I apologize, but I couldn't think of an appropriate euphemism and I just want to type right now.
This afternoon it was super light and watery, pale and nothing to really be worried about, except I don't want to see anything on my liner, normal or not. I want it to be just a plain liner, that's it. I got the positive test on Thursday and had some light cramping on Saturday. I thought that was weird because I usually cramp before I get a positive test, but even though I've been pregnant before, each pregnancy is unique.
I've also had two miscarriages that started with brown discharge, but I wasn't on Heparin for the first one, and I didn't start Heparin for the second one until 11 days after my missed period, assuming a 28-day cycle, which I really couldn't because I was still nursing and my cycles were all over the place. But with that pregnancy, I knew in my gut that it was probably too late.
This time, I'm not nursing, I tested the day before I was due to have my period and I did my shot within seconds of getting a positive test. This time, I did everything right and it was perfect. It was just in time for Mother's Day and I felt so good about everything. I just knew this one was going to work.
And then I have to go and start having fucking discharge. It's not enough to even call it spotting, but I don't want to see anything. I don't want anything coming out of there until January 16th, and then I want it to be a full-term baby. That's the only thing that has permission to come out of my vagina.
But my asshole uterus does not appear to have gotten that memo and I'm pissed. I did everything I could. I couldn't have started the shots any sooner. Well I guess I could, but if you start them before you're actually pregnant you run the risk of thinning out your uterine lining to the point that an embryo can't attach.
I feel helpless - there's nothing more I can do. I'm doing the shots, I'm on the suppositories, I'm taking the pills, but if my body isn't going to hold this pregnancy, there's nothing I can do about it.
I feel angry - my body is taunting me with this discharge. If I'm going to fucking miscarry, just fucking get on with it. Bleed or don't bleed asshole. Quit fucking around with this discharge bullshit. But actually, don't bleed. Stop all activity right now and let me grow this baby. Get out of the fucking way and let me have my little soul. I mean it.
If there's even anything in there. It could be another blighted ovum for all I know, which is another reason early pregnancy sucks. Even if I got an ultrasound right now, they wouldn't be able to see anything definitively because I won't even be five weeks until Thursday. That's way too early to make that kind of call.
So I have to just sit here and wait, helpless and angry, waiting for my body to make up its fucking mind and do whatever it's going to fucking do.
This part sucks.
Keep your head up! :) I've been reading your blog for about a year now so I know you've been done this road before, but .. it's still early! Sending you positive uterus vibes!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you very much and I'm going to do my best. :-)
DeleteSending love...
ReplyDeleteI can't do anything to take away your frustration or angst right now, but know that there is a mommy in Maryland praying for you tonight. I hope you find some peace in the midst of what I know is a very difficult waiting game. *hugs and love*
ReplyDeleteSo I am a dork and posted my comment on the wrong post some crazy way. I just want you to know, I'm standing in faith for your little soul and praying that the desire of your heart be be fulfilled.
ReplyDeleteYou're no dork and thank you for the words of encouragement.
DeleteYou're pregnant right now. Right now. Just keep repeating that to yourself. That's the only thing that matters. You. Are. Pregnant. Right. Now. Hang in there! (I'm talking to you AND the baby!)
ReplyDeleteI am pregnant right now.
DeleteThank you, my friend.
I am always in your corner Desiree!!!!! I am wishing you luck!!!!!! So much love
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog for almost a year and I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've commented. Hi! Sofia is adorable.
ReplyDeleteI had to do IVF to get pregnant and had to endure progesterone suppositories and estrogen pills during the first trimester. It was awful and I had the brown discharge. It scared the crap out of me. But now I have a beautiful 15 month old baby in the next room (a product from that pregnancy).
Like you said, early pregnancy sucks, especially for those of us who have trouble getting and/or staying pregnant. Stay positive. I'm praying for you!
This helps a lot. I read about women that are going through the same thing but I have no connection to them. They feel like strangers that are too far from me to give any kind of comfort but you are much closer and I do take solace in your words.
DeleteThank you.
Oh dear heart. I'm praying for you, and that tiny baby in your belly. Hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteI know your anxiety. Like Elizabeth, I too did IVF and had the brown (but also pink) discharge for 8 weeks. It was terrifying, and I spent those first weeks hopeless, knowing I'd miscarried. But I hadn't! I now have a perfect 19-month old little boy. I know it's impossible to not worry, but maybe it helps knowing lots of other mamas have been in your place but ended up with healthy babies? Saying a prayer for you.
ReplyDeleteYes, it does help. I wish I everyone would come to my blog with their stories of hope so I could read them over and over again, because I just can't think of the alternative. I don't want to think of the other possibilities. I just want to focus on the happy ending...
DeleteThank you for your support.
I'm glad there are so many people in your corner who have experience with this. I do not, but I can offer positive thoughts and send love! Hoping for the best for you!!
ReplyDeleteUgh, hang in there hon. The discharge can totally be from the progesterone supps - you're doing everything you can to help that embryo stick around, and you have to take comfort in that. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteWell, your uterus is not an asshole because it gave you the perfect daughter. So don't even antagonize her (the uterus). I don't have fun pregnancies and they never abide by the "book" so I'm done with them, forealz. Anyways, with my oldest I bled... heavily. I'm talking like a period with clots and lots of crampins until about week 8. He was born right on his due date and he was huge. He's now a big healthy 5yo. With my 2nd, I didn't bleed at all, no cramps, no nothing and he was a month early with a very complicated first few weeks (to say the least). So you never know. Don't condemn your beautiful uterus just yet (see, that's me putting out good vibes and charming your uterus). Go back to Ikea, cook up some more rainbow cakes (did you figure out the natural dye thing yet?). Don't think about it. It's in God's hands...
ReplyDeleteYou are so right. Change of plans - I'm not going to talk shit about my uterus anymore. I'm composing a love letter to my uterus right now. I will bake my uterus a rainbow cake and figure OUT that natural dye shit if that's what it takes. I will totally be my uterus's's's's bitch.
DeleteI had bright red spotting with both Ivy's and Inga's pregnancies--a one-time deal with both, but still...you don't exactly jump for joy when you see bright red blood in your undies when you're in early pregnancy. One of them might have been implantation spotting, if I calculated my dates right, but the other was definitely later along.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, congratulations ;) because like someone said, YOU ARE PREGNANT. and YAY! I am sorry that you are going through the discharge thing. It is infuriating and scary and feels hopeless but I know that it can also turn out wonderful and a healthy baby can be at the end of this :) prayers!
ReplyDeleteYou're right. Early pregnancy does suck. And I've only done it twice. But try to stay positive! There's a baby in there! Just because there's some discharge, it doesn't mean that anything is wrong! Stressing and worrying isn't going to help that little baby stay in there, so try not to. And I know that's so easy coming from me who has never been through the shit you've been through. But try. Because right now you're pregnant! And that's exciting!! :) I love you sweet friend and am sending strong baby growing wishes to your uterus. (I can't believe I just typed that.) :)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much - love you back!
DeleteSending hugs!! I can only imagine how hard this is but I thank you so much for sharing. I've got lots of positive thoughts coming your way!
ReplyDeleteJust leaving a quick note to let you know you have another cheerleader in your corner! Stick baby stick!!
ReplyDeleteAlright, lovey. Here's the skinny. I had a miscarriage in 2009 that started this way. I also had a healthy baby boy in November who started off just like this too. With him, we were in and out of the doctors office in hysterics/tears 5-6 times in the first trimester and every time, I just KNEW we were miscarrying b/c of what happened the first time. You have post traumatic stress disorder after the losses and you're going to freak out. It's natural. Freak away. Just remember that this could be a totally normal, healthy, happy baby in 9 months. I just stopped what I was doing (eating pizza like a fatty) and prayed for you and that little hooligan growing in your tummy. I'm BELIEVING that this is a false alarm or a normal implantation spotting episode. Keep us posted...we're all rooting for you!
ReplyDeleteUgh, you are SO right with the PTSD thing. I get flashbacks from the other miscarriages every time I get pregnant. That shit never leaves you.
DeleteBut you are also so right that this could also have a happy ending and I could get a healthy baby out of this when it's all said and done.
And when I do, this kid is totally grounded for making me worry this early in the game.
I had spotting too when I was pregnant with DD (who's just a couple months older than Sofia!). Not even brown, it was definitely red and happened a few times. It was terrifying and I literally cried in the midwives office when I finally heard her heartbeat cause I was so relieved we had gotten to that point. Before that I was just waiting, and worrying that something bad would happen. I didn't mention it to anyone besides DH and the midwives, but when I brought it up afterwards I was amazed that almost every mom I talked to had a similar story. Amazing what we go through with pregnancy, and not just physically.
ReplyDeleteI'm sending all kinds of positive thoughts your way and tell your uterus that it's time for it to behave and listen to you already! Damn misbehaving body parts...
Thank you so much for thinking of me - it helps to know I'm not completely alone in this journey.
DeletePrayers and virtual hugs from the other side of the state...
ReplyDeletePraying for you in Arkansas.
ReplyDeletenothing i say is going to make you stop worrying, but you are 100% right when you say there is NOTHING you can do at this point to prevent a miscarriage. There is also nothing you can do to prevent a perfect little soul from growing and making itself cosy in there if that is what it's going to do. So worry if thats what you need to do, or try not to, or cry and yell, or remain positive. Whatever you need to do to get through these next few weeks, where i know you are going to have a perfect little baby in there waiting to meet you. I have had bleeding and cramping with all four of my pregnancies and had the early scan which of course never matched up with my LMP, so then had another week waiting for the next scan and going out of my damn mind. It is so rough. But they all turned out ok, and although the bleeding is a worry- i've figured out that it's my "normal". Hugs from Australia, i'll be thinking of you and hoping for the very best for you xxx
ReplyDeleteI'm praying to hear some good news, and in the meantime, continue to be strong (like you have thus far). You are such an inspiration and a comfort to me and every woman who reads this blog.
ReplyDelete