Limbo lower now

So here we are: Miscarriage Number 4.  

God, this sucks.

We were in Charlotte when it happened.  Drew had a work thing and since his brother and wife live down there and they're Sofia's godparents, we decided to make a family trip of it.  We drove down Thursday night and arrived early Friday morning.  As usual, Sofia was an amazing traveler and slept most of the way there and went right to sleep once we arrived at the hotel.

This is the cutest crib setup we've ever gotten!

And sadly, it's our last.  Sofia is too big for a crib now

and she'll be getting her own bed on our next trip.

Friday, we met up with Nate and Julie and had a great time with them.  We didn't tell them I was pregnant - I'm really not sure why, but I'm glad we didn't because we would've had to turn right around and tell them that I wasn't.

Because 6:30 Saturday morning, I stopped being pregnant.  No one was awake, but I went to the bathroom because I could feel the wetness, and there it was.

I cleaned up and crawled back in bed.  I nudged Drew.  "Babe, I'm bleeding."  

He stirred, rolled over and hugged me.  "I'm so sorry."  "Me too."

When we woke up, he said I should call the doctor and at least let them know.  I didn't really see the point.  I mean, it's a miscarriage.  The blood isn't so much it's scary, it can wait until we get back in town.  But, I went ahead and called.  Surprisingly, my doctor, Dr. Sweetnerd, was the one on call.

We talked and he assured me that he was going to scour my chart and we were going to get to the bottom of this.  He said the regular stuff - if the bleeding gets worse, go to the hospital, call when you get back in town for your appointment, take care of yourself.  And that was that.

We got dressed and took Sofia to a kid's museum.

......................

I was 5w2d.  There was no gestational sac this time - there weren't even an alarming number of clots and the bleeding has pretty much stopped.  

I also haven't cried - I'm not sure why.  I think it's because I just feel numb.  No, not numb.  Bewildered.  Yeah, that's the word.  I really thought this one was going to be it.  I had such a good feeling about everything.  You know me, I never would have shared the news that early, but I was just so sure about this one.  I just knew that this was going to work and to see that blood wasn't even a shock.  I was just like, whaaaat?  Nooo.  But in the bewildered way, not in the pit-of-despair way.  I couldn't believe I was actually having a miscarriage.

But I was, and I did.

I have a clotting disorder that causes my miscarriages, and with each subsequent pregnancy, it gets more efficient.  Think of it like a limbo bar.

It'll make sense in a minute, I promise.

So here I am, bopping along, trying to get pregnant, not knowing that it's not going to be easy for me.  I walk on up to the limbo bar and I don't know that you have to go under the bar to stay in the game.  I walk on up like a regular person and smack!  Hit the bar, you're out.  First miscarriage.

And as the rules follow, the bar gets a little lower.  I don't have it figured out yet and I still walk up like a regular person.  Smack!  Hit the bar, you're out.  Second miscarriage.

The bar lowers.  I go see doctors.  They tell me what's up - I need to go under the bar if I want to stay in the game.  They give me the Heparin.  I go under the bar - I have my baby.

Okay, I've got it figured out now.  Go under the bar, got it.  Unfortunately, the bar lowers while I'm trying to sneak under it.  I'm too late - smack!  Third miscarriage.

This time, I thought I had everything right; I was ready.  I did my yoga, I was bendy and I was ready to go under that bar and come out with a baby.

Until they went and set the damn bar on fire.

Fourth miscarriage.

Each time I get pregnant, the bar lowers.  Eventually, I won't be able to get under it and my opportunity for having babies will be closed.  Right now, we're just trying to figure out just how low the bar is and just how much bending I'm going to have to do to get under it so I can have my baby.  Dr. Sweetnerd is talking about doing the Heparin at ovulation instead of at the positive pregnancy test, because that might be too late.  This also means charting and taking my temperature so I know as close as possible when exactly I ovulate.  This will also help to determine if there are any other factors that are making the bar drop faster than it should, like an LH defect or anything else.

I hope it's not already too late.  I hope the bar isn't already so low that I can't get under it.

I do yoga, but I'm an old broad.

I'm not this flexible.

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