Baby gifts

I got my first baby gifts!!  Well, technically they're my second and third baby gifts but these are so awesome and cute!  Oh wait, there was the stuffed monkey from Kathleen...  okay never mind, these aren't the first gifts for the baby but they're soooo cute!

I'm kind of paranoid about buying things for the baby because although I have no reason to think something is going to happen to the baby, I'm still haunted by the idea of furnishing the nursery, buying clothes, books and toys and coming home empty-handed and having to face all that.  In some cultures, you don't buy anything for the baby, not one thing, until they are home safe and healthy.  I get that and while I want to remain positive at all times in all things, I'm still scared.

Drew came back Saturday night but I was having dinner with some girlfriends so I didn't actually get to see him until Sunday morning.  When I woke up, he was gone running but he'd left some presents for me on the kitchen island.  There was also a card, addressed to 'My Baby's Mama'.  I loved it! 

What a pretty necklace right!  He said now that our family is expanding we're making room in our hearts!  Awwwww.....

I'm constantly putting my feet on him in the bed because he's like a furnace and I'm constantly cold.  Incidentally, they said when you're pregnant you're supposed to overheat more easily but I don't feel it.  I'm still just as cold as ever and I'm often wearing sweats and socks in the house while he's walking around in a tank-top and shorts.  Drew said if the baby was anything like me, he or she would need these.

I know the pictures are kind of blurry but I never claimed to be a photographer.  You get the idea - how cute are these teeny tiny socks!!  I really hope the baby will be able to wear these for a while, they're just too cute for words.

The third thing totally made me laugh when I saw it.  I have an obsession with noodles and I will eat them any day of the week and twice on Sunday and mac and cheese is pretty much the best food ever.  Drew said he was worried about my eating habits while he was gone, so he wanted to help me out since he knows I'm no chef.  Honestly, the recipes in there didn't look too difficult and you really can't go wrong if you're starting with mac and cheese!

I'm in my 10th or 11th week right now so I'm really glad I'm almost through the first trimester.  I noticed this morning that my boobs didn't seem to be as sore as they have been normally, although I may just be building a pain tolerance.  I have more energy, so I'm once again wearing makeup to work.  However, I HAVE to be in bed before ten in order to function, and really I start to look longingly toward the bedroom at about nine pm.  That Saturday night that I went to dinner and a movie with Kesha and Velia was officially my last hurrah.  The movie didn't even start until 9:45 and I pre-emptively told Kesha that if I fell asleep in the movie not to wake me up.  I was able to stay awake through the whole thing but I know that that will be the last time for a long time that I'm up after ten on purpose.

Oh right, and can someone explain to me why I can't pinpoint exactly how far along I am?  According to my LMP (that's last menstrual period - drove me nuts until I figured it out), I'm 11 weeks and one day.  However, when I went to the doctor on Sept. 8th and had my ultrasound, according to their calculations I'm only ten weeks and four days today.  I mean, I don't really care as the due date is just a guess no matter what, and it's only a four day difference, but still.  As long as my little Nugget stays in there cooking until Tax Day next year, I don't care when he or she gets here.  Take your sweet time, little baby.  Don't go anywhere till you feel like it!

I've gotten other baby gifts as well - of the physical kind.  Besides the sore boobies, I can get bloa-ted!  Dude, look!

So that's me at five and seven weeks, respectively.  I had very lofty goals of taking the same picture, standing in the same spot, on the same day wearing the same clothes so I could really chart my growth.  Yeah right.  I usually only remember right before it's time to go to bed which is why I'm always in my pjs.  Plus there wasn't much to see in those weeks, but check out nine and ten weeks!

That's not even baby yet, that's just bloating!  Can you believe it!  Crazy huh.  Right now the baby is the size of a lime and will double in size in the next few weeks and the boy/girl bits are being formed although you can't tell yet exactly what they are.  But even though the baby is that small, it's already pushing around my insides.  I don't know if it's real or not, but sometimes I swear I get out of breath just walking from one side of the house to the other.  If I eat a couple of big meals instead of several smaller ones I totally pay for it and the only thing I can do to relieve the discomfort is to slowly walk around until I've begun to digest my food and there is space for me to breathe again.  Smaller meals is the way to go - it only takes one time to feel like what you just ate is going to come right back up your esophagus to learn, let me tell ya.  I don't think it's heartburn but it totally feels like I'm stuffing an already backed-up tube and it is not fun.

And unfortunately, I've begun to break out again.  I have hormonal acne and it had finally begun to settle down, thanks to my apple cider vinegar and a reduction in my stress level.  I thought I might escape pregnancy ance but no such luck.  I have a couple of real winners on my chin right now as well as this thing on the side of my face.  It showed up shortly after I found out I was pregnant and hasn't gone away yet.  It's just a weird dry patch but it's kind of pale in the middle and if I wasn't pregnant and hormonal, I'd swear it was ringworm.  That's what it kind of looks like!  I plan to call a dermatologist and have it checked out just to make sure it isn't.  How do you even get ringworm anyway?  Shit, I better go google it.

Anyway, so my baby daddy (he hates it when I call him that) is the greatest and my little Nugget is already making him/herself known and we start our first round of childbirthing classes at the end of October!  We have to bring pillows and everything!  I'm kind of excited to see how Drew's going to handle it all - I'm sure he'll be a champ.  He forwarded an email to me today with some information about a birthday party we're going to and in the conversation thread I saw he had told his friend that we're expecting.  Seeing his words "I'm going to be a father!" totally brought tears to my eyes. 

He's going to be a great dad.

One fine day

By now I'm sure you know I live in Dallas, as if it was that hard to figure out.  And maybe you've also paid attention and learned that I work downtown.  But did you know how close I work to the building that idiot was trying to blow up???!!!???!!!  If you haven't heard, yesterday some wanna-be terrorist parked his car that was stuffed full of explosives in the underground garage of an iconic downtown Dallas building with the intent to blow it up!  Are you kidding me?!

I don't really watch the news so I didn't know anything about this until this morning when my boss came in and was all like, 'Can you believe that guy?'  And of course I didn't know what she was talking about until after I googled it and found out that some idiot tried to blow up Downtown!!  I took these pictures at lunch from the corner of my building. 

The building in the foreground in the left picture is the parking garage across the street.  I exited my building, went to the street corner and snapped this shot.  My office building is off to the left in the second shot - can you believe it?  Depending on how much of an idiot this guy was, this building falling would have caused MAJOR problems for the surrounding buildings.  Remember my old apartment?  Downtown?  This was the view from our old bedroom window.

While nothing happened and the idiot didn't go through with his idiot plan and is in custody, this was a leeeetle too close for my comfort, you know?  Geez, this almost messed up my weekend plans...

And speaking of, can I just tell you what I'll be doing tomorrow?  NOTHING!!!!!!  Get this:  Drew is out of town and won't get back till late tomorrow night.  The dog is going to the groomer at 9am and won't be finished till about 4pm.  Do you know what this means??  I have the house to myself for AN ENTIRE DAY!!!!!  Are you kidding me?!

When I realized that I was going to have the whole house to myself for a whole day, I just about started crying.  A whole day in a quiet house, all to myself.  I won't have to hear, "Babe, can you come here for a second?  MAYA!  Babe, where are those socks?  Babe, what do you think of this?  (just as I sit down on the sofa) Babe, can you come here for a second?  Babe, what do you want to eat?  Babe, where is that one thing?  You know, that I had yesterday?  Babe, can you help me look for that thing?  MAYA!  DROP IT!  Babe, what do you want to do later?  Babe, what do you want for groceries?  Babe, can you come here for a second?  MAYA!  LEAVE IT!  Does this go?  Babe, come taste this.  Babe, what are you doing?  Babe, can you come here for a second?" 

It's enough to make me want to spend the night in a hotel, just so I can have some peace and quiet.  And I know that very soon, I will substitute the 'babe' for 'Mommy', which is why this day to myself is so very very precious.  This wonderful day of solitude and silence where I won't have to get up from wherever I'm perched if I don't want to.  One beautiful day where no one wants anything of me, where my services/opinions/pair of hands aren't needed for anything.  One marvelous day where if I want to get back in bed and stay there for hours I can do just that.  I plan to turn my phone to silent, the door will stay locked and I will simply sit.  Or read.  Or clean.  Or not.  The choice is mine! 

I feel like it's Chrismas Eve!!  I can't wait - I'm counting the hours til I can go home.  Tomorrow is going to be ONE FINE DAY!!!  Maybe I'll just lay in bed and pretend I'm here.  Have a great weekend y'all!

Back to the drawing board

Okay, this is getting obscene!  The bed and breakfast website made everything look really nice so we took a Sunday afternoon road trip to check it out and possibly leave a deposit.

First of all, it was a stone's throw away from the new Cowboys stadium and there was a TON of construction going on, not to mention all the tailgaters for the game.  I spotted this gem - I guess he wanted to catch the football crowd.

Such a nice sentiment on the way to the game, don't you think?

Well, we arrived at the b-n-b and it looks decent from the outside, even though it was a bit difficult to find.  It was a standard issue set-up -- you walk in and everything looks quaint and sweet.  We went out to the courtyard where they still had tents set up from a wedding they had the night before.  The courtyard was nice but the garden that we were interested in opened to a parking lot, really disrupting the 'secret' aspect of the garden.  It's not much of a secret garden if there's a parking lot right next to it, I always say.  Additionally, it wasn't secluded at all and there were even benches with those fireproof containers to put your cigarette butts smack in the middle of the garden.  Honestly, I didn't know you could smoke anywhere in Dallas anymore. 

The cottages were not cottages at all, rather they looked like low-income housing - No offense meant to anyone who lives in low income housing.  It's just that I was looking for something like this:

Instead, the cottages looked something like this:

Now, these aren't the real pictures of the properties because I'm not trying to get sued or something, but needless to say I wasn't happy with how the cottages looked and for the money they wanted I expected them to look a little nicer.  Granted, they were in the midst of remodeling some of the cottages but that just means that we should catch them when they're done remodeling.

So we're back to the drawing board.  Drew would like to have the ceremony outside which then got me thinking of the botanical gardens.  The Fort Worth gardens are actually really pretty and they have availability on the 10th so this Sunday we'll make another road trip out there to check them out.  The Dallas Arboretum is another really nice place but it is ex-pen-sive!  The whole idea is to do things on the cheap which is rapidly becoming quite the challenge.

First off, we need a location.  The gardens are minimum $250.  We need someone to marry us - since neither of us go to church we have to find someone, and the preliminary google searches I found kick back officiants with fees starting at $500!  Then I'd like to have pictures.  Since I used to model, I have no idea how much pictures cost since I've never had to pay anyone for pictures.  Alas, all my photography contacts are in LA or KC.  I don't know anyone here and I thought about getting creative and checking out the photography school at SMU and getting a student to do it.  I also thought about doing time for print.  That's when a photographer who is just starting out will give you the prints for their time.  The only issue with both of those scenarios is that you don't know what kind of photos you'll get.  I'd really prefer that they not be overexposed or blurry or using the wrong setting on the camera or something like that.  Drew knows one guy that takes great shots but he would charge us $700 for the two hours that we'd need him!

And we haven't even gotten into what we would like to do after the ceremony!  We were talking about going out to a nice dinner and staying at a hotel but those are going to be extra expenses.  Additionally, since I pretty much don't own dress-up clothes anymore, I'd have to buy something to wear.  We stopped at a thrift store yesterday and I totally had a fantasy of picking up a vintage suit like Carrie wore in Sex and the City but no luck.  They did have a ton of wedding dresses in their 'Halloween costume' section but nothing remotely workable.  I did find a beautiful suit on the Nordstrom website, but again that's extra $$.

And the marriage license!!  We probably should get one of those too - 71 bucks cash and we both have to apply together, in person.  Another nightmare because I would have to do it over my lunch hour or something like that and Drew will have to juggle his schedule because he works over half an hour away from the courthouse. 

I thought having something with just the two of us would be easier.  Ha.

Now, have you noticed that I'm not really freaking out over all this?  No?  Well, I'm not really freaking out over all this - wanna know why?  Because I have SHOES!!!!!!  When I tell you they are the most freakin awesome shoes on the planet, that is an understatement.

So Saturday we drove up to Allen to the outlet malls because Drew needed some undies (he will hate that I called them that) and it's a fun trip.  So we went walking around and I got depressed because I couldn't buy any clothes because I have no idea how long I'll get to wear them.  I consoled myself by getting some sunglasses - my head better not swell up.  I also got the cutest hat to wear when we go to his parents' house for Christmas.  But the shoes!!!! 

We went to Nieman's Last Call to look around.  Even the outlet is waaaaay too rich for my blood but it's still fun to poke around.  I beelined it for the shoe department to try on all the expensive designer shoes that I'll never own in real life.  I was half looking for something that I could wear when we got married but I didn't really think I'd find anything.  And then I rounded the corner and it was like they had been waiting for me!  All nestled in their little box with a giant 50% off sticker just calling out to me.  Well, 50% was still too much but wait!  That weekend they had a sale where you could take an extra $25 off things in a certain price range - my shoes were in that range!  That would have dropped them down into the tolerable price range but then the saleslady got me.  I was trying to avoid her because I crumble around salespeople and I think they know it.  Well, she wore me down and believe me I tried to resist but she was stronger.  I wilted under her forces and opened a Nieman's account and got another 10% off.  I really didn't want to and I'm totally going to close that account because me and a Nieman's account is a surefire recipe for chaos and destruction!!

My shoes were worth it though.  It's my very first pair of designer shoes - they're Badgley Mischkas.  Is that even how you spell it?  I'm so country, I don't even know (I totally just googled it to make sure I spelled it right).  What I do know is that my shoes are hooooooooooot!!  I couldn't take them off when we got home.  I was too busy marveling over them and demanding that Drew marvel too that I didn't take a picture of me wearing them, but I'll totally put one up soon.

See, a good pair of shoes can make everything right with the world.  Believe it.

Oh the places you'll go!

Do you remember that book?  I sort of do - my memory is a bit fuzzy but I thought of the title in reflection of the twists and turns my life has taken in the past month or so.

It goes without saying that the pregnancy is twisting and turning my body all kinds of crazy.  I'm hyper-concious of my eating habits now that the queasiness has subsided.  And for anyone keeping score, I'm casting my vote for 'queasiness sucks more than vomiting.'  At least when you actually puke you feel better afterwards.  I don't like to vomit and I have only done so a few times in my life but I remember that I always felt better after.  The queasiness?  The I-may-or-may-not-puke-any-second feeling?  It sucks -- out loud.  The solution that I've found is to eat every. single. second.  That in itself is kind of annoying because no sooner have I finished eating than I feel l could eat again.  I swear, if I could I would strap a feed bag to my face.  Hot, right?  It's all good though - I have my fruit and nut mix at my desk and I'm steady chompin and the queasiness has subsided.  At least there's that.

But can we talk about the boobage?  Holy my goodness, the soreness could go away anytime and I would not be upset.  I wear a bra 24/7 but geez they are sore.  I bent down to get something out of my bag and my boobs pressed against my thighs and holy canoli!  How long is this supposed to last?  However, they have gone up a cup size, which is interesting - I'm actually hoping that lasts a while.  When I used to model, they would say I had the 'best in the business'.  All natu-ral baby!

But you know, I accept the changes happily because it means something is happening and something is still in there.  One of Drew's really good friends at work just got married for the first time at 42 and his wife is 34.  They wanted to start trying right away and Drew told me a couple days ago that he found out his boys don't swim.  Drew said that he told him they have a less than 5% chance of conceiving naturally.  It makes you humble and grateful and scared all at once.  It makes me that way anyway - getting pregnant as well as delivering a full-term healthy baby is such a miracle.

Okay, geez before I get all weepy -- go out and buy a lottery tickey y'all because me and my dad are talking again!!  I would refer you to all my 'family' posts to get caught up on the drama because it's too much to recap here but after 13 months of near-total incommunication? non-communication? dis-communication?  we didn't talk for a long time! -- he reached out to me!  My mom has always kept him posted with general tidbits of what's going on with me, always saying if he wants to know more he can ask me himself.  Of course, that will never happen because there is no one more stubborn or hard-headed than my father.  Except maybe me.  We rekindled things by fighting (what, you don't do that?) which then lapsed back into radio silence and finally he called to simply see how I was doing.  Actually, it was the night Kesha came over.  I was beyond shocked to hear his voice but it told me that he was concerned for me because it was immediately after I told my mom that Drew and I had postponed the wedding.  For all his nonsense my dad does care, he just doesn't know how to show it.  And that's not an excuse because I don't believe in little boys pulling little girls' pigtails in order to show her you like her.  Anyway, he called me once today, twice yesterday and once the day before that and we didn't fight once.  I'm just saying, you might want to buy a lottery ticket because there's something in the air.

Of course, he doesn't know I'm pregnant so I don't know how all that's going to play out.  Yeah for real, get a lottery ticket because the world might end on October 16th.  I go home to KC that day and we're having dinner as a family that night.

And oh yeah, Drew and I are getting married on October 10th.  Turns out his health insurance kicks my health insurance's ass so it makes better financial sense for me to be on his for the whole pregnancy.  But we have to be married.  After lo-hots of soul searching and pro-ing and con-ing, and realizing that we no longer get to make decisions for just us, that we have to make decisions for our family now, I have decided to go ahead with this.  It really is the grown-up thing to do and while it's all very Depression-era-esque, it's what's best for us.  I can totally see myself telling my daughter (if it's a boy, he probably won't care because he'll be too busy crashing things or getting dirty) that mommy and daddy didn't have enough money for a big wedding and with *you* already on the way we had to do things a little differently.  We're going to a spa/bed and breakfast because neither of us could stomach going full Depression-era-esque and get married at the courthouse.  In case this turns out to be it, in case we can't do a big party next year like we'd like, I'd rather remember a sweet bed and breakfast than an old musty courthouse.

We'll arrive Saturday morning, get massages (which I have to see if I can even do), get married in their garden that night, have dinner, stay the night in one of the cottages on the grounds, and leave the next morning.  It's the smallest package (I think) but I'm sure it'll still be lovely.  It would be so cool if I could find a vintage suit like Carrie in Sex and the City.  We'll see.

It's funny where you end up.  I thought I would be married by 24, 26 at the latest.  I'd have my first child at 27, the second at 29, and if there was a third, at 31 - and I'd be done.  Ha.

I always knew I'd have the big white wedding with tons of guests at a swanky hotel and afterwards jet off to an exotic honeymoon and come back to a shared apartment as we began house-hunting or building. HA.

I'd have a fulfilling job doing something important where I made a difference and of course made loads of cash.  ahahahahahahaha!!!

But you know what?  It's okay.  Maybe the pregnancy hormones are turning my brain to soup, maybe I'm *gasp!* growing up, maybe there's something to the whole older and wiser thing, but it's all okay.  I still want the big wedding, I'd love to have the kick-ass job, and maybe God will bless me with three kids, but right here, right now it's enough. 

Drew and I are doing better than we have in months, we're drugging the dog ;-), I look at my baby's heartbeat no fewer than fifty times a day, I have a job, I have food to put in my feed bag, my car is running, and it's all right. 

Okay, so I'm not a country music fan by any stretch of the imagination but it has seeped into my skull courtesy of Drew and there is one song that totally resonates with me.  I tried to embed the video here but youtube won't let me because they suck.  Anyway, it's Darius Rucker's 'It's Alright'.  It just resonates me and everytime we're in the car and Drew's got his country station on I'm always like 'I don't want to hear any of these songs they're all dumb.  I want to hear the Shoes Song!'  I'm five in real life.

Looking back and trying to look forward, it amazes me to realize that just about nothing has turned out the way I thought it would -- sometimes fifty million times worse, but sometimes ten billion times better.  I smile at the places I've been and I'm excited at the places I'll go.

And that's all right.

While the gettin's good

Never let it be said that I don't celebrate the good times as often as I bemoan the bad times.  I may have been down a couple of weeks ago but things are looking up!  Praise the baby Jesus!

Since Drew and I have postponed the wedding, things have been really great *knock on wood*.  For two weekends in a row now it's been great being around him.  We've had fun conversations, we've snuggled on the couch watching tv and it's been awesome.  This past weekend it rained the entire time and we were housebound for the majority of it and instead of killing each other it was cozy.  It's times like that I remember how and why I fell in love with him.  We're still totally getting married but now we're thinking that we won't do it until after the baby's born, which has taken so much pressure off of us.  We do not handle pressure very well.  Additionally, conceding on so many things wedding-related in the name of getting married this November made me super way cranky.  I'm the type of person who would rather not have anything than have something half-assed so the whole wedding situation was not sitting well with me, as I sure you could tell.  This way, with some time and breathing room is much more amenable and I feel so much better about the situation.  I'll be able to have a slim dress like I want and freakin DANCING.  I was going to have to forgo dancing at my flippin wedding because we weren't going to have room in the backyard.  Completely.  Unacceptable.  How am I not going to dance at my own wedding?!?!

This way, we have time and room to concentrate on the baby, and sometime next year we'll tie the ol knot.  It's not exactly how I envisioned it but I'd much rather not be the married the first few months of my kid's life than be married when he/she gets here and be divorced shortly after their arrival because we've exploded under the pressure.  Besides, they sleep for the first few months right?  So they really won't even know the difference.  Right?

Also, we're drugging the dog.  Now, before you go calling the Animal Police and things let me explain.  The dog is a puppy with obscene amounts of energy and I was ready to move the eff out.  You remember.  It wasn't good - but then we found Doggie Xanax!  The Day That Almost Ended It All was a Saturday and we went to Doug's wedding on Sunday where I chatted with Christy, Doug's best friend's wife.  She was having the same problem with her dog until they found the doggie Xanax.  It's a natural chew that has triptophan in it - you know the turkey-sleepy hormone - and it just mellows the dog out.  Well, the next day we RAN to Petsmart and got the Advanced formula because they said that was the stronger one and fed it to Maya when we got home.  The sh*t WORKS!!!!  It doesn't drug her to where she's walking into walls or anything, it just chills her the eff out and it's a beautiful thing.  So now, when she's getting ridiculous, I just go 'come here, eat this' and poof!  Mellow animal that just lays on the sofa and lets you pet her.  That kind of dog I can deal with -- that kind of dog won't end my relationship.  Thank you Christy and thank you doggie Xanax!

Another huge bonus in the relationship department:  so I'm all about the natural childbirth right?  I am not into the drugs and while the pain scares me, the needles scare me more.  I have nightmares about being trapped on the bed by all the wires and monitors and then they cut me open for no apparent reason.  Um, yeah, no thank you.  Well, Drew finally came around to the idea of the birth center!  I really didn't want a hospital birth and we toured a birth center that was totally kick-ass but he was still really hesitant.  I guess seeing me getting my blood drawn was enough to convince him that the fewer drugs the better so now an intervention-free birth is back on the table.  And those who would ream lecture inform me about my choices and decisions, would you just come a little closer for a quick second?  A little closer please?  IT'S MY UTERUS, BACK THE EFF OFF!  *smoothing my skirt*  Where was I?

AND, I've gotten the green light to go after the teaching certificate.  The program is entirely online which is convenient because I really didn't want to go back to being a broke student.  I have to look into admission requirements and all that which is what I would have done today if I wasn't crying at my desk from laughter.  I found Jenny who is quite possibly the funniest writer I've ever read.  I totally love her sense of humor and I've been trying all day to keep from falling out of my chair laughing.  HI-larious!!

Mark it down y'all - I'm riding this wave all the way to the shore!  (Even though I've only surfed once and I couldn't stand up for more than a second.  I'm still counting it.)

You know what you should do....

I need your help y'all.  If you follow or lurk or whatever, perk up!  I seriously don't know what to do so I thought I'd come to y'all to see what you think.  Ok, here goes...

Well, pretty much ever since puberty when the boys started taking notice I realized that I'm rather easy on the eyes.  I'm eternally grateful to the Big Man for blessing me and looks are fleeting and you better have something to back up the beauty and blah blah blah.  Bottom line, I know I'm pretty, but I don't have my head up my ass about it, so let's move on to my issue.

So, back when Drew and I first got engaged (like a couple months ago, which is an eternity in internet years) I was researching wedding bands for him.  Kesha told me that there was a guy at the jewelry kiosk in the lower lobby and I should go talk to him about rings, that he knew all there was to know.  Well, I'm all for that.  So I went down to introduce myself to him.

There is a certain look when men see me and they like what they see.  It instantly puts me on guard and I get really polite and professional.  Snobby if you will, but only because I don't want anything I do or say to be misconstrued as flirting or encouragement.  But here's the fine line that I constantly walk -- not all men are trying to get in my pants, some are just nice and that's it.  But sometimes it bites me in the ass - I start thinking 'Gah, Desiree you are not that cute and not every man wants to hump you.  Get over yourself.'  And then I find myself here.

So the Jewelry Dude (who shall henceforth be known as JD) is slick, smooth and suav-ay (it's a word, swear).  I figure I'm safe because I'm talking to him about wedding rings for my future husband.  He's an impressive salesman and I'm a sucker for salesmen which is why I hate them.  I'm totally that person who will get suckered in by a fast-talking salesman and buy a bunch of crap I don't need because I'm too much of a wimp to say no.  So anymore, if a salesman is anywhere near me I usually will yell out 'NO, STOP' like they teach you in elementary school and then I run away.  *sigh*  Not really, nine times out of ten they get me and I end up with crap I don't need.

But JD.  So he shows me his catalog of rings and we get to talking about me and my personal life.  I find myself telling this near total stranger about the nonsense going on with my dad.  So slick, JD.  How did this happen?  Before I know it, I've said way too much and I'm late getting home.  I even told him about my frustrations with the dog!  Is he that good or am I in that much need of a life??  I'm going with he's that good.  So, he gets my email address to send me pictures of some other rings that I may like.  I give him my gmail address because it's "more professional".  Apparently, you can have the 'regular' email that you give your friends and then you have to have the 'professional' one that goes on resumes and such.  But here's the thing - and I'm sure you know this - gmail has the chat feature.  You can instantly chat with anyone that has gmail if they've ever sent you an email. 

A few days after he sent me the email with the rings and I tell him great, I'll get back to you, a gmail chat pops up and it's the JD!!  In my gut-spilling first encounter with him I told him I was Mexican so he's all 'ola seniorita' which incidentally, is the most annoying thing ever.  If you don't speak Spanish, and you have not properly excused yourself by saying you don't speak Spanish, don't do it.  Speak English.  It's okay, I'll understand you.

But back to the gmail chat.  What do I do?  What I should have done was been like, 'please don't chat to me, it's not appropriate.'  But then that's where I start walking the fine line.  That's kind of a bitchy response to someone who's just wanting to say hi.  Not as bitchy to a pushy saleman, but still.  But what did dumb Desiree do?  Had to be polite - I was all 'hi there, how are you?' *smacking my forehead*

Now it's gotten worse!  He started asking me out to lunch!  Granted, it was like 'do you want to go over to the food court at the same time that's in the same building where we both work' not like 'hey baby, let's have a candlelight dinner at an Italian bistro' but still!  Then it got even worse!  I opened my fat mouth about the housewarming party and then I felt dumb and then I invited him!  I told Drew all about him and he was like 'if he's a slime he won't come to the house and if he does come to the house I'll deal with him.' 

He came to the house with his wife and was appropriately behaved the entire time.  Drew thought he was a decent enough guy so then I'm thinking it's all in my head.  But I've found myself pretending to be on my phone when I walk by his kiosk so I don't have to talk to him - but sometimes I forget and he stops me and then we talk and since I have no filter it'll come out that Drew's out of town or something and then he asks me out to eat!  After work!  And I'm like, 'okay, this is beyond wanting to sell me a ring!'  Isn't it?

One time, when he was chatting with me (against my will)  he asked me if I'd told Drew about him (pre-housewarming) and I answered honestly that it hadn't come up.  He said 'oh so am I your secret?'  MASSIVE RED FLAGS went up everywhere!  I was like, 'no I don't keep things from my boyfriend.  Ever.'  That is just not how I get down.  Then he was all, 'I'm just joking' and I was like yeah right.

And I've even told him I'm pregnant!  And he still wants to grab a salad and some lemonade (gotta keep the little one safe - he said that to me!) after work sometime! 

Ok, seriously, am I being paranoid?  Is he just a pushy salesguy or is he a creepo?  And how do I tell him that I do not want him chatting to me nor will I ever go for a salad or lunch or anything with him ever?  I'm not trying to be mean but seriously!  Any help y'all?

My best friend's wedding

Sunday we went to my best friend's wedding - it was so beautiful!  Some might think it's odd because he's also my ex-fiance, but seriously that was ten thousand years ago and those who would be compelled to judge are invited to click away now.

Anyway, we've known each other since I was 21, which is the second longest time I've had someone in my life.  As I grow and change most of my friends change, with the exception of Doug and Kathleen.  Yes, we were engaged and when we broke up we didn't speak for almost three years.  When I moved back to Texas we got back in touch and we've been friends ever since.  People used to ask if we'd ever get back together, but then they'd see us hang out and realize that we were probably always better suited to friendship than romance.

So, when Doug told me that he'd begun dating this new girl, of course I was protective of him and wanted to know all about her.  But when it proved to be the real deal, I backed off and was nothing but supremely happy for them.  They too have a baby on the way, although she's further along than I am.  They put their wedding together in less than two months and there was lots o drama to be had, let me tell you!  Almost daily he'd call, all stressed out because she was stressed out because her parents were stressing her out or his parents were stressing him out.  He kept telling me to run, run as fast as I could to the courthouse and skip all the wedding nonsense. 

But the day came, and they both survived.  Drew and I were the last ones to be seated because we didn't realize how far away the place was.  They were all lined up when we rushed in and I was all, 'who starts a wedding on time anyway??'  I'm used to Mexican weddings, where you don't even think about getting started until 45 minutes after the scheduled start time.  Oh well.

The chapel was so pretty and the ceremony was absolutely gorgeous.  I was totally bawling my eyes out the moment they started the procession.  He looked so handsome and I was so happy for him! 

Since we were sitting in the last row, I didn't get a great shot but you get the idea.  Of course, I brought no tissues so I was having to do the whole look-up and dab at the corners of my eye thing. 

And as is natural, I got to thinking about my own wedding.  Drew and I had a huge come to Jesus talk on Saturday and we decided to postpone our wedding until after the baby is born.  A new house, a new puppy, a new engagement, and a new baby all at the same time are enough to make anyone go crazy and we were no exception.  I had gone so far as to look at apartments for myself because I just couldn't take it anymore.  It was never because I wanted to be without Drew but I was positively crumbling under the pressure.  When we decided to postpone our wedding, it felt like a giant weight had been lifted and since then things have been good between us.  We're going to continue with our counseling and we will get married, but now there isn't this insane pressure to get it done on a ridiculous timetable, with me feeling like I'm sacrificing practically everything that is important to me.

At the reception, we sat next to Doug's best friend Adam and his wife Christy.  I hadn't seen either of them in almost ten years and of course so much had changed.  Adam has always been an easy-going guy, but his energy was even more serene and beautiful.  He embodied contentment; when I looked at him, I could feel that this was a guy who had it all.  He was just so happy and it wasn't a bounce-off-the-walls happy - it's that happy you get when all is right with the world and you know it.  I felt happier just sitting next to him and I was so happy for him.  His wife Christy was also a beautiful soul and bonus, she's a teacher!  She had tons of information and we're totally friends on Facebook now!  We talked about teaching, parenting, marriage and how much life has changed since we all used to hang out.  That's the best part about weddings - there isn't really another time in your life that you get the opportunity to re-connect like that.

My only complaint is that the wedding was too short!  It felt very orchestrated, with the introduction of the bridal party, intro of the couple, couple's first dance, mother-son dance, father-daughter dance.  I could almost feel the coordinator checking things off the 'list' in the corner.  The best man and the maid of honor very obviously didn't prepare their speeches, which was kind of a drag.  If I had been given that honor, I would have prepared for weeks in order to give the best speech possible.  They seriously grabbed the mike and started talking.  He was halfway into his speech before everyone stopped talking because they didn't realize what was happening.

Drew and I only danced together once, and then it seemed like it was over!  That's the other thing I want - at my wedding, I want it to be an all night party.  I want lots of dancing - even if my guests don't dance, they can sit on their booties and watch me dance.  I must dance at my wedding.  Before we knew it, they were hustling us out of there, so we could see them off.

All in all, it was so wonderful to see my best friend get married.  He's a wonderful guy and I'm so happy for him.  I wish him a kabillion years of happiness and I know he's going to be the greatest dad!  Aww, I'm getting teary-eyed all over again!  My good buddy Doug...

God's Baby

Well, I have lots of updates but I'll start with the most important one...we finally had our doctor's appointment!  I've been agonizing over whether or not I am actually pregnant and thanks to the lovely Internet, I am fully versed in all the terrible things that can happen in early pregnancy.  I've sworn off a lot of blogs and websites because they kept me up at night.

But at long last, I could see with my own eyes that there is indeed a little Nugget in there.  Look!

http://vimeo.com/6489607

I'm so sorry, I've tried a ton of times to embed the video but it keeps failing and I'm not savvy enough to figure out another way.  If any of you have ideas, please let me know. 

Anyway, it was a wonderful experience and I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw that little flickering heartbeat.  My doctor told me that my chance for miscarriage is drastically reduced since the heart is actually beating and the beats per minute are nice and strong.  I was so happy!!  I had tons of questions for her and found it really interesting that Drew did not.  Although he doesn't get the deer in the headlights look, I can tell when he gets quiet that his brain is working overtime.

We talked about diet and exercise and she signed a release form for me to take prenatal yoga which I'm very excited about!  It'll be fun to be a student again.  Additionally, I asked her when we would begin to discuss the birth itself and how that would all go down.  Originally, I wanted to have a homebirth with midwives but that was quickly nixed when Drew started hyperventilating and turning purple at the thought of me giving birth at home.  We then toured a birth center and that's still on the table but we're still in discussion.  Drew thinks that hospitals are the only places you should have a baby and I'm very much against all the interventions that they do in the name of 'hospital policy' and not because it's in the best interest of the mother and baby.  I read Rixa's blog daily and I've watched The Business of Being Born and I have the book, so I'm all about as few interventions as possible.

I fully expected to encounter resistance with my doctor when I told her that my aim was for zero medical interventions but she's very supportive and while it was only one conversation, I'm not as dead-set against hospitals as I was pre-pregnancy.  Thank goodness I have at least eight months to figure this out and I suspect we'll be having many more conversations about this before it's all said and done.

That said, upon seeing that sonogram and laying eyes on that little heartbeat I knew that I was not in as much control as I thought and that the only way for me to keep from going absolutely nutso over this whole thing is to turn it all over to God.  I'm going to do everything in my power by eating right and staying fit so my little Nugget has a safe home to grow in, but everything else is in God's hands.  God's watching over this baby and whatever is supposed to happen will and that's all right.

Oh, and just in case there wasn't enough drama and excitement at that visit, I had to have my blood drawn again.  Yeah, it was just as bad as last time except this time Drew got a front row seat.  The worst part is that I put on full makeup with optimistic hope and by the time they were finished I totally looked like Alice Cooper - which was a great look for me.  I was crying and hyperventilating again, the same nurse came in to help out and I got TWO lollipops this time.  They probably felt sorry for me because I made such a scene.  When I was finally able to leave, I could stand up but I was shaking uncontrollably for a good ten minutes after.  Drew kept asking me if I was cold and I told him, no this is just what happens when I get my blood drawn.  And he thought I was making up the whole needle thing. 

And these jokers want to put a needle in my spine!!??  Not even a little bit.  Give me pain any day; you and your needles can blow it out your ass. 

My Angel

God sent me an angel last night.  Her name is Kesha - would you like to meet her?

God knew that I was in desperate need of some positive female energy and there she was!  Okay, so technically we work together and she's a real person but my definition of an angel is someone who comes in and gives you comfort just when you need it and by that definition, Kesha is an angel!

Kesha and I have grown close since I starting working here and she is a beautiful wonderful person.  She's so funny and straightforward, she's an excellent listener and there's no better feeling to tell someone something and for them to reply, "I KNOW!"  Kesha is that girl for me - I'm so thankful that she's in my life and that we've become friends.  She's been privy to all my recent ups and downs and she's offered her ear and shoulder many a time and I have gratefully taken it.  I'm totally not one of those people who will give you the head-tilt smile and tell you that I'm okay.  Nope, I'm the one with tears in my eyes and snot running out of my nose begging for a hug.  When I'm hurting, I have no shame.

Yesterday morning I took the dog to boarding for a few days.  I needed to have time away from her because if I didn't I would most assuredly lose my marbles.  I informed Drew of what I was going to do, which caused the big fight, prompting him to ask me if that's what I was going to do to my child and if I can't handle a dog I definitely am not ready to be a parent.  I haven't gotten over that - do. NOT. EVER. question. my (potential) ability as a mother.  It's a good way to get stabbed. 

Anyway, I came to work and was still really down.  That afternoon, Kesha asked me what I was going to do with my dog-free evening.  I told her I was going to go crazy and mop the kitchen floor.  And then I might get buck-wild and put the clean dishes away and load the dishwasher.  And if I'm not too worn out from my debauchery I might clean the bathrooms and take out the trash.  These are the things that I can't do because I'm chasing after the dog or don't care to do because I'm too depressed.  But Desiree, you say, can't you just put her in her crate and take care of all that stuff.  Yes, my darling, I could.  But you see, the dog just builds up energy in her crate so when she finally is let out, it's like a rocket out of a cannon.  The longer she's in there, the more psychotic, I mean energetic, she is.  However, if I leave her out of the crate, then I'm chasing after her to take whatever stick or piece of paper  is in her mouth out of her mouth because while I dislike the dog, I certainly don't want anything bad to happen to her and it would be just my luck for her to choke on something on my watch.  So lock her in a room, you say.  Same thing as the crate.  Hence the inability to tend to my home.  Because it's not about cleaning - it's about tending to my nest, it's about caring for my sanctuary.  For me, it's more than four walls; it always has been.   

Well, make the dog Drew's responsibility, you say.  He wanted it, he needs to take care of it.  Ahhh, if only.  He travels for business -- frequently.  Who takes care of her when he's gone?  That would be me.  And him being the sole caregiver while he's around negates his whole plan for us to be a family.  Nope, shared responsibility - it's not going down any other way.  And thus begins the madness.

However, with the dog at boarding I got some blessed peace.  And Kesha very quickly told me that there would be no cleaning, that she would come over with a movie and we were going to sit on the sofa and do nothing.  Now, I could have given the head-tilt, half-smile and told her that no, it's okay, I really need to get this done.  Ha!  I couldn't say yes fast enough, my only concession being that I didn't demand that she come home with me straight after work.  I let her go home and eat and change and then come over.  I'm so nice.

Kesha came over, we watched The Secret Life of Bees, a total chick-flick that no man should watch, lest they taint it with their testosterone.  We didn't talk much, and we didn't have to.  It was enough for me that my beautiful angel simply sat on my sofa with her t-shirt, flip-flops and pajama pants and comforted me.  Did you know angels wore pajama pants?  We just sat and watched the movie -- we smiled, we laughed, we cried and it was perfect.  I hugged her so hard when she left, I didn't even care if it hurt.  I wanted her to know how much she helped me, how her mere presence lifted my soul, how very thankful I was for her.

Because of that simple act, of bringing a girl movie, and sitting on the sofa with me, I have a little more energy to clean the house, a little more energy to face my relationship, a little more in me to find my way through this mess.  I'm not filled up, I'm not safe, but I've got enough in me to keep from giving up.  And that's something.

Thank you Kesha for being my angel!  (This was the day she went natural, because I had been telling her all about my natural hair journey - she looked so pretty!)

As I laid down and again when I woke up this morning, I said a prayer of thanks to God for watching over me and sending me an angel.  Big prayers, many thanks for keeping an eye out for me.  That's love y'all!

How low can you go?

As I've said before, my blog is my space to share -- the good, the bad, the funny, the sad.  It's also a way to connect with others who might share my experiences, as well as provide a platform that I might offer something too, even if it's as simple as a five-minute diversion from your world.

Maybe you've gathered, maybe you haven't but I consider myself a believer.  I wouldn't say I'm devout, but I've been given a good moral and faith-full foundation for my life and I'm thankful that I can draw on it in times of need.  Boy, is this a time of need.

I'm really struggling.  I'm having so much trouble navigating these changes in my life and I find that I'm not doing very well.  I find myself wanting to go back to the way things were when I was single because I knew that life, I knew how it worked.  I don't hate my life now but I feel like I don't know how to do it and I'm failing.

My (biggest) issue:  the dog.  In and of itself, it's not the animal.  It's what she represents -- a complete and total loss of control, an unwelcome (in my book, children are welcome - just to be clear) intrusion on the serenity and balance and order of my life.  I made light of my earlier post when she destroyed the house, but in reality it was all I could do not to burst into tears and run screaming from the house.  It was absolutely not her fault, she did not do it on purpose and I do not blame the dog.  But I couldn't help but think that if she wasn't there, it wouldn't have happened.  If she wasn't there, we could have nicer, new throw pillows in the house, I'd be able to leave my slippers on the floor, I could roam freely in the house, leaving doors open; it would stay cleaner longer. 

I try to apply perspective:  children make messes too.  But I can't shake the notion that it's not the same thing.  A dog is not my baby, it's just not the same thing.

I don't know what to do.  I want to run away and never come back because of this dog.  I know I have said that before, yet here I am saying it again.  The feeling hasn't gone away - if anything, the pregnancy hormones have made it worse.  I resent Drew because I feel like he takes the dog's side against me, that he doesn't understand my anxiety, my desperation, that he's focused on the fact that it's his dog and if I loved him I'd try harder.  How do I convey that I'm trying as hard as I can?  That yes, fine I agreed to this but I am seeing now that I am not up to the task?  I can't. do this. 

I start shaking when I think of life with this dog and newborn.  She's getting bigger and more powerful and jumps higher and nips harder and I'm terrified of what that will mean with a baby in the house.

Drew and I got into a terrible fight last night over the dog.  But again, it's not her - it's that she represents something that makes him happy and to him, I'm trying to take that away.  But I'm not that kind of person, I'm just not.  His happiness is extremely important to me but at what cost? 

I can't make him care more about me than the dog.  I can't make him see that I'm miserable, mildly depressed even.  The house is filthy and I don't even bother cleaning it because the dog will just make it dirty again.  What's the point?  And I know that's not the real me - I don't let things get me down.  I don't admit defeat.  But lately I just find it so hard to care.

When it was just me, my home, my sanctuary, my base, was so special to me.  It was just a generic one-bedroom apartment, but to me it was my haven.  That's how I see my home -- so how do you deal with people/things in your life that don't respect that notion?  Who says that type of thinking doesn't matter?  Men get their man-caves, shouldn't women get a sacred space?  I feel so lost because I don't have an escape, a place that's off-limits to everyone.  Even having a time that's off-limits would help so much.  That used to be my yoga but even that's gone.

I keep saying that I miss my yoga and I miss the calming effects it has on my life but I don't go.  That's me - I take responsibility for that.  I don't go because I feel so guilty not coming straight home and caring for that dog.  That she's cooped up and it's not her fault and she needs to get out.  So then I feel resentful that she's taking from me.  I have had a chair in the garage that has sat there for the longest time because if I even think about taking time to re-do it, I feel guilty, because that's time I should spend training the dog and working with her, and that's what gets thrown back in my face.  If you spent more time with her, she'd be better behaved.  If you tried harder, things would be better.  You're not trying.  It's your attitude.  You're not trying hard enough.  But I really really am.  I swear it.  

Where did this come from?  I don't feel guilty for anything.  Usually, I do what I please and apologize to no one about it, but it's only because I don't really do anything major.  I don't apologize for laying in bed and reading a book or something equally decadent.  When did I lose that part of me?  Why did I let it go?  Why have I allowed myself to sink this low?  

I spent all last night in prayer with my lovely beautiful friend Kesha.  She talked with me, she listened to me and she prayed with me.  I'm so far past empty at this point only God can save me.  I'm praying that God changes my heart, that God will guide me, direct me and help me to find happiness again.  I'm praying that I can find peace in this chaos, that whatever path I'm given, that I have the courage to follow through, whether it's stay and cope or something else.  

I don't know what's going to happen.  I don't know where we're headed.  We both threw down lots of ultimatums last night.  Ultimatums, that if followed through, spell disaster for all involved.  I don't want that, but I can't sacrifice my sanity.  I feel like it's all I have left, and even that is shaky at times.  I don't know what to do -- how do you be okay with someone/thing f*cking up your world with no regard for you and your space?  Moreover, WHY am I supposed to be okay with it?

And kids are not the same - they're just not and I won't believe otherwise.  They're not.  Being a mother to a child is not the same as being an owner of an animal.  It's not.

Why, instead of saying 'I'm calling someone right now to come get the dog because I don't trust you' couldn't you have said 'I'm sorry you're struggling, let me see if I can call someone to come give you a break'.  Not combative but compassionate.  I'm not trying to cause trouble, I'm not stirring the pot, I'm just trying to preserve my sanity.  Why this animosity, this 'me against you' stance? 

I don't want to fight - I don't get off on it, I don't enjoy it.  I thrive on balance and peace and compassion for those we're supposed to love.  Where did I go wrong?  How do I make it right?

ugh *wipes tear*  I hate feeling like this.

Weddings are fun.

I'm more of a party-attender than a party-planner. I am the best guest - I will delightedly exclaim over the tiniest details, ensuring that your hard work doesn't go unnoticed. Last year my mother and I attended a wedding in Minneapolis that was beyond awesome. The rehearsal dinner was at an art gallery, the ceremony was at a beautiful church and the reception was at a modern art museum. Nothing was left undone and the details were breathtaking. We had passed hors d'oeuvres during the cocktail hour and a three course sit down dinner with an open bar the whole time. There was a live band and a candy bar and we were absolutely stuffed. I know the whole thing was nasty expensive but it sure was pretty.

Everything also had a polished professional touch to it as well. Ideally, that's what I want for myself - I would love nothing more than hand over the reigns to someone more knowledgeable than me to make it happen. Again, reality has paid me a visit to smack me upside the head...

When we got engaged our friend told us that she would handle everything. Being more than eager to turn it over to someone who has more experience, I gladly agreed. She assured me that our November 7th date wouldn't be a problem; in fact that date gave her more than enough time to do what was needed. She assured me that she would take care of everything, and that because we were friends that she wouldn't charge us. Thank God for that because we just don't have the money for all that.

With the housewarming behind us, I wanted to go full speed ahead with wedding planning and began to call her because we hadn't had any meetings with caterers, photographers, cake people, florists etc. I knew we were on a very strict budget and beggars can't be choosers but I needed to know what we were going to be able to work with. Then she tells me that she's not really an event planner and brought in a lady to go over the basics with us. That was last night.

This lady, kind though she was, is accustomed to throwing $10,000 cocktail parties in people's homes. She was very classy and super professional but she pretty much laughed at me when I told her that we had a firm $5000 budget for everything. "Have you thought about this? What about that? How do you see this happening? What are your thoughts on that? Who's taking care of this? Who will handle that?" With each question, my eyes saw dollar signs and my face fell. After that thouroughly demoralizing conversation, they left and I sat on the bed in a daze. We aren't talking about diamond-crusted flatware here. We're talking bare bones, minimum stuff for a decent wedding. There are so many details! And all those details cost money! And they all come from separate places! There's the flower person $$, the cake person $$, the caterer $$$$, the attire $$$, decorations $$$, and not enough $$$$$$$ to cover it all!

We wanted to have it at the house because it's a free venue. But I'm starting to question if that's worth it. We have to bring in the tables, chairs, and food as well as people to set up and break down all that stuff. Catering companies will clean up after themselves, but they don't mow the lawn for you or scrub your toilets or do those kinds of little things that must be done if you're opening your home to guests.

And don't even get me started on favors for my guests, gifts for the attendants, do we have placecards or not, what kind of centerpieces can we afford, what kind of music is going to be played, is there room for dancing, are we even going to have dancing, who's going to help me with all this????

I envisioned my wedding day to be a celebration. I didn't want my guests/friends running around in fancy dresses and flip-flops, getting the food from the kitchen, slicing cake, bussing tables. But these things have to be done, so if you/your guests don't do it, you have to pay someone $$$ to do it. I envisioned a relaxing day of reflection with my friends and family, not all the women running around like crazies trying to ensure that the last minute details get taken care of. I didn't want my mother, aunt, cousins, and friends to work at my wedding. But the bank account says 'that's your only option sweetcheeks.'

So how to do this? Having it at the house is a free venue, but there are all the associated costs with bringing stuff in and I'm very concerned with cleanup. We already can't afford to go on a honeymoon so we were just going to take some days off immediately after the ceremony. Well, I don't want to spend those days cleaning up the house.

Am I being unreasonable? Do I just have to suck it up and accept the way it is? Is there a way to have a nice event on a tight budget with little time and almost no help?

Oh, and I almost forgot - that friend? The one who said she'd do everything? She called after she and the event planner left and informed me that this is turning out to be a bigger deal than she thought and she wouldn't be able to help any further without being paid. Awesome - she'd already told me that the flower person she lined up had backed out and she never had a cake person in mind. I'm just wondering what 'don't worry I'll do everything' means in her world.

This morning, I tried to do google searches on my own. However, as a receptionist it's mighty f*cking irritating to have to stop every 30 seconds to answer an incoming call as you're trying to have a conversation with the table and chair rental people. I can't. even. make. (sorry, can you hold the line) phone calls!

I'm sorry if this is disjointed and doesn't make sense - I'm feeling very overwhelmed right now and just a little bit sad. I should have known better than to depend on a friend who is doing something for free, but I drank the kool-aid and believed that everything would magically turn out ok. Stay tuned to see how this beautiful mess turns out...