Not a talisman

A reminder maybe?  A note to self perhaps?  Well wait, I'm getting ahead of myself...

I've mentioned before that with all the horrible-ness that has happened, one of the most unfortunate side effects is fear.  I'm scared that this will happen again, scared that it will destroy my relationship with Drew, scared that my body only knows how to get pregnant, but not how to stay pregnant, scared, scared, scared.  It totally sucks and I hate feeling this way.  In real life, I feel fear and barrel right through it, shaking the whole way.  But on the other side I feel empowered, exhilirated and ready to leap tall buildings in a single bound. 

Not this time.  This time I'm paralyzed.  This time I don't want to take those steps forward because I'm scared of what's behind Door Number 3.

Well, I can't live my life like that.  To quote one of my favorite movies, "A life lived in fear is a life half-lived."  (Strictly Ballroom)  And to quote my favorite Bible verse, "Fear not, for I am with you."  (Isaiah 41:10)

I don't claim to be a major Bible scholar and I can't quote too many other Bible verses, but when one gets me, it gets me.  The first time I heard that verse I was about to graduate from college and was on the phone with one of my friends, freaking out about getting back into the real world.  I was standing in Target (poignant, right?) when he said to me, "Desiree, just remember Isaiah 41:10:  Fear not for I am with you."  Talk about a Godsmack.  I stopped and just marinated on that for a second.  No matter what, no matter where or when, I'm not alone.  We're never alone - whatever we're/I'm going through, He's right there, He doesn't leave - ever.  Which makes me think of some other very fitting verses:  "I will never leave you nor forsake you; Behold, I have carved you on the palm of My hand."  (*I just looked these up and realized they are two separate verses in the Bible.  See, I told you I'm no scholar.) I don't know where that is in the Bible, but my mom used to say it to me when I would have to go to school or leave her in some way.  It totally worked then, but the implication now is so much bigger for me.

Oh PS, the book I was telling you about is a total keeper.  I'm not done with it but the biggest theme is that God is God and we have to trust him.  One of the things that really stuck out to me is a passage talking about how God has never made Himself accountable to man and has only asked that we trust Him.  Think about this:  would you go to the highest person at your job, in my case, the CEO, barge into their office and give them a piece of your mind and demand that they give you answers and make some changes for the good of the company?  Oh sure, I would do that - if I was ready to be unemployed!  I wouldn't dream of getting in my CEO's face about anything, so how really can I get up in GOD'S face and demand that he give me answers!?  I mean, for real!  If God really did come down and look you in the eye and assuming you didn't disintegrate on the spot, would you really have the nerve to get mad?  Do we 'get big' just because we don't have the ability to bang on his office door?  Anyway, for me that passage was majorly humbling and gave me pause. 

I mean, it's totally fine to be angry and to cry and to shake your fists and say it's not fair because it's straight-up not, but in the end our only responsibility is to have faith, to know, that unlike the CEO, God is not in the business of cutting you off at the knees just because.  He won't sacrifice you for no reason.  We simply have to trust and know that He is always on our side, which is no easy feat when you're in the middle of darkness.

The book also talked about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego who I totally remember from Sunday School because they had the coolest names.  It talked about how they walked around in the fire and God saved them, but the part I didn't remember from Sunday School was that they told the king, "We believe God is going to save us, but even if He doesn't, we're still going to worship Him."  I had to read that a few times.  Even if they died, they would still worship.  Even if they didn't get what they wanted, they would still believe.  Could I do that?  Can I turn my face to the sky and say, "Even if I never have children, I will still believe."  Because that's what it's about - believing when things don't go your way, or when God doesn't seem to be present.  That's a tall order, one that I am most certainly marinating, praying and meditating on.

Now, my reply to my friend in Target was, "That's my next tattoo!"  I loooove tattoos and if I had the courage, I would totally go full Angelina Jolie.  So, I started doing some research - I didn't just want the words of the verse because that seemed a bit mundane, rather like writing a grocery list on your hand.  I thought about getting it done in Hebrew but I was nervous about getting gibberish and wanted someone, preferably a scholar to make sure that what I was permanently putting on my body didn't mean I like to kick puppies or something like that.  Enter Aramaic Designs!  I sent my request to Steve and they sent back my translation in Herodian script, which is commonly accepted as the script used in Jesus' time.  Their website is way fancier and much easier to use than I remember it two years ago, which in internet years is like twenty years ago!  

I printed off my translation and carried it around with me for the longest time, waiting for the right moment to present itself.  For better or worse, it did.  If there was ever a time that I needed to keep fear from controlling me, this is it.  If there was ever a time to remember that I'm not doing this alone, this is it.

So, Friday night I went to Casey at Hold Fast Tattoos on Greenville and carved it on the palm of my hand!  Not really, it's on my back. :-)

  This was right after he finished and before he put the Saran Wrap on it.  Let me tell you, that ish hurt so bad!!!!!  Especially the long lines - dude was carving for sure!!  I TOTALLY felt that long line on the left!  Some parts weren't so bad, just mildly stinging, but OMG the other parts!  I didn't think I was going to make it.  But I will tell you what helped me - when it was hurting really badly, my instinct was to ball up my fists, clench my teeth, hold my breath and scrunch up my face.  I reeeeally focused on making all that stuff loose:  turning my hands palms up on my knees, dropping my jaw open, relaxing my forehead, even keeping my eyes soft.  No lie, it really helped, although it still hurt really freakin bad!

However, I am beyond thrilled with the finished product and FYI, it reads like Hebrew so it starts at the 12 o'clock position and reads counter-clockwise.  My original translation was in a line and I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it like Angelina Jolie or Victoria Beckham.  Kesha was the one who suggested I make it a circle and as soon as she said it, I knew that was it!

I nixed the low-back tat idea because I just couldn't get down with putting a Bible verse near my backside, you know?  Plus, if God does decide to loan me some babies, I can put their initials inside the circle.  It's not too big and he was really patient with me as I tried to figure out the best placement looking backwards with a mirror.  It's healing nicely, although now it just itches. :-)

All in all I am super pleased, I love it so much and Casey was a total sweetheart!