Just goes to show.....

Good days, bad days.  That's what I told people when I came out of the cave after the miscarriage.  It was something they could deal with, something they could wrap their brains around and it wasn't too graphic or scary.  Nice and neat and they could feel good that they 'checked in with me.'

And then something happens that reminds me that I'm not in the clear, I haven't 'healed.'  I put that in quotes because you don't ever heal, get over it, get past it, or any other euphemism implying that enough distance between you and the event is all you need.  How do you get away from yourself?

I read something on the internet that really stung me.  Yes, I know, it's the internet and it's filled with blissfully unaware people who mean no harm.  And for those that mean harm, all you have to do is click away.  It's as simple as that.  I tried - I vented to Drew and Kesha at length.  They were sympathetic and listened and understood where I was coming from.  But it's not enough - so I'm writing about it with the hopes that somehow I can get a grip.

Pregnancy is not easy.  Nor is it something you can control, to the extent that if you just do 'x', then 'y' and follow that with 'z' a few days later, you'll get pregnant.  Putting your feet up, relaxing, meditation, using sperm-friendly lube, hypnosis, accupuncture, or any combination of those things will not singularly result in pregnancy.  All the companies selling that crap would of course have you believe otherwise and they make millions upon millions cashing in on your dreams.

I read about someone who claimed to be 'trying to conceive' when in reality all she did was go off birth control and have unprotected sex for a few months before getting pregnant.  I am raw and still hurt and under any other circumstance I would smile at her naivete.

I humbly submit that that is NOT 'trying to conceive.'  Cashing in your retirement for fertility treatments, asking your parents for a loan when the bank won't cover the $10,000 you need for IVF, suffering multiple miscarriages, full-term stillbirth - for me, these are under that umbrella. 

I also don't understand the presumption that you understand anything about trying to conceive/infertility from your pregnant-after-a-few-tries perch.  I certainly didn't.  I had no CLUE how hard it was to get pregnant and stay pregnant until I miscarried.  I wouldn't DREAM about speaking on those things because everyone knows that talking about something with zero experience/personal knowledge summarily removes your credibility.  What's that they say?  Better to keep your mouth shut and let them think you're an idiot than to open it and remove all doubt.

Go over there to your side, the easily-pregnant with a healthy baby side with all the other easily pregnant women and marvel at your blissfully untouched lives.  Do not presume to know what it's like to try for years and years with a big fat nothing to show for it.  It hurts to look at people like you - please don't say things like "If there was something I could do, I would.  If I could make you pregnant too I'd do it in a heartbeat."  That goes for real-life people too.  As if you had anything to do with what's growing inside you right now - as if you had any control over that whatsoever.  If that were the case, only those women who take exceptional care of themselves and have the ways and means to have children would.  Yet every day, babies are born addicted to drugs and alcohol and we still don't stop hearing about 16-year-olds leaving their babies in trash cans at the prom. 

You have no control over this - that's why it's called a miracle.  Presuming otherwise and going so far as to comment on it as if you did is not only insensitive and hurtful, it's unintelligent.  Even after experiencing loss firsthand, I know that there are plenty out there who would LOVE to have had ONLY one miscarriage.  I'm new to the Dead Baby Momma club and I have great reverance for those long-term members.  I know enough to keep from behaving as though I'm the only one on the planet who has ever gone through this.

The internet is far too vast to be able to write in such a manner that you offend no one.  Initially, I was angry.  Who do you think you are?  You know NOTHING.  Your platitudes are hollow and unwelcome.  You weren't TRYING, you were just having unprotected sex (which I guess IS trying, but it just doesn't feel the same.)  You got your prize after playing the game for only a few months, you don't get to be 'sympathetic'.

But then I realized that it's just me and my jealousy rearing it's ugly head.  That I too want to be on the easily-pregnant side.  That I want to be blissfully naive.  I still want to believe that getting pregnant is something I can control.  I don't want to know what I know.  I don't want the memories that I have - I want to be clueless, I too want to sprinkle 'baby dust', as if that's all it takes.  I want to pretend I have some magic power that I can dole out so that everyone can have my wonderful life, never mind that that may not be what THEY want.  Who cares, I'm pregnant, the world revolves around ME!  I want to be that person.

Another day, another time, another life, a stranger would not have the power to stab me in the gut with their words.  I am reminded that healing, in whatever form it takes, is not a linear process and things like this can happen. 

We all have our burdens to bear and if this is mine, I pray that I learn to bear it with dignity and grace.  I definitely don't have the hang of it and I'll be the first to say that, but I pray.  And I pray for them too.  That their lives remain untouched - no one deserves pain and loss and tragedy and sadness.  As angry as I might be when thoughtless remarks are made, I do not wish anyone ill.  Hurting someone never ever makes you feel better, no matter what.

I wish that everyone who is blissfully untouched gets to stay that way.  Coming from the other side of the fence, we don't need anymore people in the club.  It's not fun over here.