That's all it takes to be famous?!

Our neighbor Mark is a fellow Desperate Housewife.  Technically, I guess he's a house-husband.  His partner Mark is a doctor, which leaves Mark (mildly confusing, I know) to pursue his creative interests, including painting, photography, self-improvement and driving a Cadillac.  This past Monday night I went with Mark to one of his self-improvement seminars, courtesy of Landmark Education.  He told Drew that I should go with him, that it would be just the thing to change my life in this time of unemployment.  Mark is a nice guy, I enjoyed his company at our New Year's party and I didn't have anything else to do, so I went.  I had only heard of Landmark by name, but I didn't really know what I was getting into.

We met some of his friends at Paradise Bakery before we went to the seminar and I asked them some questions about Landmark and how it helped change their lives.  There was a lot of vague talk about 'being the best you', 'being present to your truth', and 'unlocking the possibilities.'  Shit.  Mark drove, there would be no way to get out of this.

I'm totally a tree-hugging hippie but I do NOT talk like this and have very little tolerance for people who do.  After listening to them talk about 'letting go of the illusion of your past self' I wasn't sure how I'd be able to get through a whole seminar.  The information they talked about receiving sounded like the same stuff you'd get from a good yoga class and a good therapist.  That's how my life changed and I told them so.  

We got to the seminar and we began with 'sharing time.'  Of the six people who got up to talk (including me - apparently my panic attacks hit me only when I CARE what people think about me), four of them cried when they were onstage.  

"It was only through Landmark that I REALIZED that I MATTER.  That what I do MATTERS.  That I don't HAVE to believe what my mother says about me.  That I don't HAVE to let my boyfriend empty my bank account.  I don't HAVE to let my boss talk down to me!  I MATTER!  WAAAAAAA!

And this isn't self-help?  And you want me to pay $400 to learn that stuff?  

But then again, who am I to begrudge someone their life-changing experience?  Therapy changed my life and I'm sure I spent more than $400 over the years.  The same goes for yoga.  I guess that if a personal improvement seminar is your ticket to getting out of a bad relationship or bad job, then more power to you.


Anyone can have a life-changing experience and it doesn't have to be some seminar.  Death of a loved one, birth of a child, a near-death experience, rehab, jail, getting saved - all of those have the potential to stop you in your tracks and change the course of your life.  I guess if Landmark is your gig, then so be it.

I did have to laugh when they separated the guests and took us to a different room to give us the Landmark pitch.  Change your life!  Create a new possibility!  Who you are is not who your mommy/daddy/boyfriend says you are!  Be present to your truth!  Live your best life!   
Four hundred dollars please!

But that room was packed - every now and then I heard the cheering and clapping as the moderator was telling them that they MATTER.  Whatev.

...

Wednesday, Mark and his friend Maureen, who is also a Landmark graduate, invited me to go with them to the Modern Art Museum of Fort Worth.  Mark and Maureen fed off of each other and it was a loooong ride out to Fort Worth.  However, how do you say "I'll go with you only if you promise not to talk like a mindless cultie?"   I just had to have some fun with Maureen though - we got to talking about physical fitness and I had loads of fun sparring with her about that.  I have zero problems with your actions - I simply feel that you should know why you're doing it before you jump in head-first.  She wanted to get a trainer to help her lose weight.  Awesome - but just having a trainer won't make the pounds fall off.  

Maureen:  I need to get in shape.  I'm thinking about getting a trainer.
Me:  That's great!  However, don't you think that's it's more about a lifestyle change than it is hiring someone to tell you stuff that you could learn in a five minute google search?
Maureen:  Well, but I would want their expertise.
Me:  Sure, but really how much expertise do you need to walk around the block?  Really, the only expertise you need is 'eat less, move more'.  I mean, don't you think?
Maureen:  Well, yeah I guess so....

I got bored with that, so I left her alone.  Getting in shape is a lifestyle change.  All these dumb 30-day, 60-day, lose-your-belly-in-12-days gimmicks get on my nerves.  What happens on day 31, 61, and 13?  Guess what?  Whatever you lost comes right back if you don't permanently change your life.  If you want a trainer because you're DYING to pay for a gym membership but gyms intimidate you and having someone there by your side will help you feel better, or you can't motivate yourself on your own and you need to pay someone to motivate you, then fine, get a trainer.  But trust me, they have no more expertise than you could have after a five-minute google search/youtube tutorial.

But I digress.  We get to the museum and I'm already wishing I hadn't come.  Mark is fine on his own, but with Maureen they were far too much to handle - and I am NOT a fan of modern art.  Allow me to illustrate.

 

Some gallery person PAID someone to do this.

 

Looking closer - this was a giant canvas of graph paper. You've got to be kidding me.

Then it got better.  We rounded the corner and saw this.

 
 

  

IT WAS CANDY!!!!!

Someone dumped out a shit-ton of CANDY on the floor and called it art.  It wasn't even strung together or held together with resin or anything.  Just dumped.  On the floor.  Tons of it.

Can somebody pay me thousands of dollars to dump some candy on the floor?  Can I get paid to do that?  I'll even make it multi-colored for you!  I'll put some effort into it - I'll string them together or something.  I very nearly told them I would wait for them at the door when I saw this foolishness.  But I didn't because I'm not a raging bitch in real life - only on my blog.  

We walked through the rest of the museum and we saw more things that made me want to take my own life.

 

  

If I can do it myself, it's not art.  But then again, is it?  

Can I paint a canvas and call myself an artist?  What is art really? 

My head hurts. 

Thank God the gallery was small and we went over to the Kimball, which has my kind of art - that is, shit I can't do myself.

 One of Michelangelo's first paintings - The Torment of St. Anthony.  He did it when he was about thirteen years old.  Even in the 1400s, adolescent boys were into ghouls and goblins.  They really don't change!

  Everyone knows Mondrian.

I didn't know this was a Mondrian too.  

Much respect for being able to carve curls like that into marble.

This Matisse spoke to me.  I wanted to take her home with me.

I survived my trip to the modern art museum and was super impressed with my phone - I left my camera at home and was bummed till I realized my phone had a camera!  DUH.  Not bad right?

Oh, and I've decided that I'm going to become a modern artist.  Here is my first contribution.

  I call it 'Detail in Denim.'  

Doesn't it just speak to you?

I was striving for a commentary on how we as a society are woven together, all heading in the same direction.  Some of us are wider, some of us are thinner, some darker, some lighter, yet in the end we're all just covering up something else.  Something bigger than ourselves.

Four hundred dollars please!