Outliers

I finished reading this book a few days ago and I can't stop thinking about it.  Malcolm Gladwell's books were a cornerstone of my college curriculum and so much of what he says really resonates with me.  My college education may not have a clear professional definition in the same way that being an accounting major will get you a job in accounting.  There are no 'Markets & Culture' jobs out there - at least not as apparent as other fields like finance and marketing and engineering.  But back to Malcolm.

I really enjoyed this book as he addressed the idea of success and how looking back at a group's cultural legacy is a pretty reliable indicator.  It's not foolproof because the stories of those who rise to success despite insurmountable obstacles are the stuff that tv-movies are made of.  However, those are the exceptions and Gladwell talks more about the rule.

One of the many examples he explores is the notion that Asians are naturally good at math.  I'm summing it up here - if you want direct quotes I'm sure the internet is full of them.  He talks about the way Asian children learn to count and the farming culture surrounding rice paddies.  The harder you work in a rice paddy, the more rice you harvest.  It's intricate, strategy-heavy, above all HARD work.  One of the common Asian proverbs he quotes in the book is 'No man who rises before dawn three hundred sixty days of the year will fail to make his family rich.'  When you've got an entire culture who believes in that kind of hard work and who has learned to count in a much more straightforward way, it's not hard to see how they would succeed.  Put another way, if you have a more efficient way of doing something and you already are accustomed to VERY hard work, going that extra mile is a no-brainer.  

Compare that to our way of doing things:  our ancestors were harvesters.  It was pretty simple - plow the land, plant the seed, water, and harvest.  Work the land too much and the soil won't yield a harvest - that's how our summer vacations were born.  This idea of needing to let the land (and people) rest runs in direct contrary to the Asian philosophy of the harder you work, the longer you work, the more results you'll end up with.  Not only do they work smarter, they work harder.  It's the formula for success (again, massively simplified - the book is a fascinating read and well worth the time.)

Now like I said, I'm massively distilling his ideas.  I'm not trying to do a book report - these ideas just got me thinking about relationships.

Another idea that he explores is the culture of honor brought over from our country's Scottish, Irish and English ancestors who settled in the Appalachian mountains and through the South.  Think the Hatfields and McCoys - where you kill somebody's brother because they looked at your cousin crazy.  He studied modern day people, who have zero connection to the Hatfields and McCoys other than they were raised in the South and/or the Appalachians.  Those people are much more likely to fistfight if they've been slighted than someone raised in another part of the country.  

Okay, so what does this mean about relationships?  Our strongest and most influential guide regarding interpersonal relationships are our parents or lack of them.  The Asian rice paddy farmer lived by example, digging complicated trenches to properly irrigate his rice paddies, diligently working the land and rising before dawn every single day to ensure the highest yield per square inch of land.  Their children saw that, making the connection very early between hard work and reward.  The Appalachian herder fiercely defended his land and his flock, perhaps keeping a gun by the bed to discourage anyone who would steal from him, indeed anyone who would even THINK of stealing from him.  Their children saw that, learning that what's yours must be defended and protected by any means necessary because the New World was a hostile and unforgiving place.


Children are sponges and they come into this world totally blank, looking to their parents first and their world second for cues as to how to navigate this world.  MEANING, if they never saw their dad buy their mom flowers, they are much MUCH less likely to do it for THEIR wives or girlfriends, no matter how many times she says that's what she wants.  It's not in his DNA.  I'm not saying that people can't change, that they can't overcome obstacles.  I'm just saying if a behavioral pattern has been instilled in you from childhood, it is fifty kabillion times harder to reform it in adulthood, either way.


If your parents taught you that hard work was the only way, you may have a harder time in adulthood just kicking back and going with the flow.  If you were taught from an early age to hold the door open for women day in and day out, holding the door open in adulthood is just second nature and very hard NOT to do, even if you're told that you don't have to.  It just won't 'feel' right.  Conversely if you never held a door growing up, you won't in adulthood without some serious self-talk and reminders and practice.  We're not stuck in our cultural legacies, but ignoring them is naive.


I think of myself - I grew up in a very traditional home.  Even though my mother worked, she was still 'the woman' and my dad was 'the man.'  I don't think I've ever seen my dad do the dishes and I've never seen my mom shovel snow.  My dad can't cook and my mom can't fix things.  My father has never missed a Valentine's Day and every now and then he gives my mom little trinkets just because.  However, I know that he firmly believes in there being ONE head of the household and that's him.  My mom is the one that kissed our boo-boos and my dad is the one who taught me to drive.  It's not right or wrong, it just is.


I brought all this information into my relationships.  I can hold my own and I can take care of myself, but I have expectations of my man.  I don't mow the lawn, I don't do things for my car, and if I have to open my door too many times I'm going to look at you sideways.  I don't have a problem with 'man things' and 'women things'.  I think the problem happens when we assign value to those things and  'women things' comes up lacking.  But that's a whole other post.



What I'm struggling with is that my ideas don't match up to my reality.  That's my deal and I better get with the program real quick.  I know that.  There's just a piece of me, that was put there by my childhood, maybe even by my ancestors and my culture, that longs for things that will probably never be, thanks to other ancestors and other cultures.  I'm trying not to be bleak about it, but if you were never taught certain things growing up and have no desire to learn/change in adulthood it's pretty safe to say it's probably not going to happen.


It is what it is.