Two months

I have been unemployed for two months today.  I thought it would be something that I could feel positive about - I had plans y'all.  However, in practice it turns out those plans are much harder to execute.

Negative situations have a way of consuming you to where you are paralyzed into inaction.  Unfortunately I have found myself in that position.  Drew has accepted his position and now travels 150% more than he used to, and he was already traveling more than I preferred.  Through mid-March, he is pretty much going to be gone during the week, coming home on the weekends.  This SUCKS.  And surprise surprise, I'm not handling it well.  When I don't handle things well, I pick fights.  I'm not proud of it, it's not right, and I know I'm not the only one who does it.  It usually starts with a valid concern, but it is delivered in such a way that Drew has no choice but to get defensive with me.  Then I get pissed because how dare my husband stand up for himself, he should cower, cower I say! because he is indeed wrong and needs to take it!  Sometimes we switch it up and Drew will say something sideways to me and then I stand up for myself because how dare my husband pick on me, I'm UNEMPLOYED!  He should be more SENSITIVE!

Unemployment is stressful, not just for the person that's not working.  I get so down and feel so sorry for myself that I forget that Drew is in this too.  I lash out at him - *sniff* What does he know, he HAS a job.  *sniff* He doesn't even CARE that I'm depressed and sit at home with this stupid dog all day.  All he does is yell at me all day telling me I suck and I'm lazy and I need to get a job. *sniff*  This is what I think when he calls and says "So what did you do today?"  As if I can't read between the lines.  I know you think I'm lazy!  I know you think I'm freeloading off of you!  You don't have to lie!  I know you hate me!  I know you wish you had married somebody else! *sigh*

It's hard being Drew these days.  If he asks me what I'm doing, I bite his head off.  If he doesn't ask, I whine and cry because I think he's forgotten about me and doesn't care because he's off in San Jose living it up and having a great time in his new job without me.  I mean, I'm thankful that I'm receiving unemployment, but Drew is worried about what we're going to do when it runs out.  He tries to express that worry to me, but we just end up fighting.

You know, tell me I'm ugly and I'll laugh in your face.  Tell me I'm dumb and I'll laugh harder.  Tell me that the only job I'll ever be qualified to have is a receptionist and I'm never going to get anywhere professionally and I will fall on the floor, curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out.  You can only hurt someone if they already believe it about themselves.

I know, I know, I know Drew doesn't mean it.  I know he's just worried about money - most men are.  I know he's upset because he feels like he believes in me more than I believe in myself.  He's frustrated with me in the way that only someone who knows you're capable of more can be frustrated.  But that doesn't change that when he hits that soft spot, or attempts to 'tough-love' me in order to rouse my 'I'll show you' spirit, he's going to get it with both barrels.  

Put the other stress on top of the present situation, and it's been rough in our house for the past week.  Oh yeah, we fought on Valentine's Day which is always fun.  Great for the self-esteem I tell ya.

HOWEVER, we had a very good conversation last night and we got through a couple of conversations this morning.  I should make a sign and put it up on the refrigerator.

 

We could have one for 'days without a fight.'  

Except I don't have any photo editing programs.  Or a printer.  But it's a good idea.

I spent some time with a couple of my girlfriends who each shared their insight.  I'm very careful about who I talk to and how I tell other people about what's going on in my life.  I only share the badness with those who will NOT say "Girl, I would not put up with that shit if I were you!  NO MAN would EVER talk to me like that!  You should LEAVE his ass!"  People like that suck and are not truly your friends.  I also try not to bash Drew to other people.  I mean, how does that look on me - I'm the one who married him!  Editorializing and making the other person out to be the bad guy won't help.  I try to simply say "I am having a problem that I can't solve.  I respect your opinions and know that you have my best interest at heart.  Can you help me?"

I have gotten some great insight that I really respect and I'm excited to put it into practice.  Drew and I both have flaws and we are masters at pushing each others buttons and pulling out the big guns to battle when we do.  But really, what does it prove?  Yeah, I can use my words to cut you to the quick.  I can destroy your self-esteem with a single glance.  He can make me cry.  He can make me feel bad about myself.  Is that something you're supposed to be proud of?  Is that something I'M supposed to be proud of?  I know just what to say to Drew to make him feel like dirt.  Hey guess what?  THEN I SHOULD NEVER SAY THOSE THINGS.  When you love someone you use your powers for good, not evil.

Being unemployed sucks.  I'm down on myself and I hate it when Drew tough loves me.  It's hard on him that I'm not working, I know that.  I know that he has only the best intentions and I have to remind myself of that, especially when I feel like he's picking on me or his words don't come out quite right.  It's not easy but something has to give.  Battling is hard and the longer you do it, the harder it is to make peace when it's finally over.

We don't know when we're moving.  They've hired another girl in his office so it's not as urgent for him to get out there, but eventually it's going to have to happen.  I'm not down with this kind of travel.  He and his bosses will revisit the relocation discussion in July and it's possible that they will say that we need to be in San Jose August 30th.  Or September.  Or sometime.  I'm confident that by the end of the year we'll be there.  But then again things could change, who the heck knows.  Meanwhile, what am I supposed to do?  Unemployment will run out, I get that.  But what are my choices?  I can get super-serious about looking for a job and finally find something that I absolutely love.  For what?  To have to quit three months after I start because we have to move?  It doesn't make sense.  OR, I can get another receptionist-type gig and want to slit my wrists every day I go to work.  There have got to be other choices - that can't be it.

One thing I do know, I have to stop fighting with Drew.  It's draining me, it's wearing on him and soon we will mess up and say something that you can't take back.  It's only a matter of time before the fighting gets dirty - it's inevitable.  You get tired and you get sloppy and you start talking about people's mamas.  

*Not that he or I ever have - just making a journalistic illustration.  That's it.   

Note to self - try being nice to your husband and maybe he'll be nice to you.  Screaming at him like a banshee and telling him why he sucks isn't doing the trick.