At the doctor's office

I spent the entire morning at my doctor's office.  I've seen my doctor for almost seven years now so she and I have a good rapport, which is why I know she won't be upset when I see her next week and call her a sneaky bitch.  With all love and respect, of course.


Two weeks ago, I had my glucose tolerance test.  For those that don't know, this is the test for gestational diabetes that they give you right before you enter your third trimester, hereinafter referred to as the 'beetus test.  It's pretty straightforward - you don't eat or drink for two hours before the test, drink a ridiculously sugary drink, they prick your finger and if you fall below the magic number, you're cool and most likely don't have the 'beetus.  


My test was at 9:30 in the morning, which might as well be noon according to my stomach.  Lately, I've been waking up for midnight snacks or eating very first thing in the morning - I'm talking, I'm in the kitchen stuffing my face before my eyes are even open.  So to go until 10:30 or later without eating was torture, which is why I didn't do it.  Mis-taaaaake!! (One of the best tv shows ever, btw.)


It said don't eat two hours before the test so I thought I was okay having a yogurt 2 hours and fifteen minutes before the test.  I was starving!  My doctor told me I could have a spoonful of peanut butter but peanut butter didn't sound good - a yogurt did!  If I knew then what I know now....


I failed my glucose tolerance test.  The magic number is 140 and you have to be below and I was 170, which according to my doctor was just a little over.  That damn yogurt!  So I had to go back today for the glucose challenge test, which sounds very American Gladiator.  But I got no rainbow-colored spandex and there would be no knocking people around with giant stuffed barbells.  You know what there would be though?


Blood draws.  Four effing blood draws to be exact.  My sneaky bitch of a doctor conveniently left that part out.  Probably because she knew I wouldn't come in and do it, 'beetus be damned.  I'm going to tell her about herself when I see her next.  


However, I made it through thanks to the most awesome phlebotomist in the world, my Blood Dude.  He gave me a hug when I walked in and I was all set to drink my drink and get my finger stick.  "No, Ma.  We have to do blood draws, every hour for the next three hours."  I'msorrywhathuh?  Blood draws? Are you shitting me?  No, no the Blood Dude was not shitting me.


So y'all.  If you're pregnant, sit up and take notes.  If you're gonna get pregnant, take notes.  That stupid test is sensitive.  Don't eat anything so you don't have to do the Gladiator test.  It's a pain in the ass, er, arms.  


He had to get a baseline blood draw, then I had to drink that drink.  The Gladiator 'beetus test is serious and you can't have anything from midnight the night before, so when I drank that extra-sugary drink on an empty stomach combined with the general dizziness from having my blood sucked out and contemplating him doing it three more times, I was not in the best shape.  But like I said, I made it through.


Mondays are 'beetus test days for my office so there were four other women in there for their blood draws, and they are the reason I'm pretty sure I won't do well in a mom's group.


Woman 1 would NOT shut. the. eff. UP.  She and her mother were there and they were so effing LOUD!  I wasn't even eavesdropping so I couldn't tell you what they were talking about and I could care less.  Woman 2 had her kid with her and spent most of her time entertaining the kid, who was quiet, thank God.  I don't think I could have handled another Demon Baby.  Women 3 and 4 were pretty, non-descript ladies who had excellent waiting room etiquette.  Stay quiet, read the magazines, talk in low tones.


However, as we all rotated in and out of the Blood Dude's room, they all loosened up and they started chatting amongst themselves - except me.  I was so freakin hungry and it took all I had not to stand up and rejoice when Woman 1 and her mother left to walk around.  By that time another woman had arrived, and her kid was probably less than two years old and he was wandering around the waiting room.  Am I a horrible person if I say I put out the 'keep away' vibes to the little kid?  Because I did.  I'm so mean when I'm hungry and getting stuck multiple times.


I didn't mean to eavesdrop on Woman 3 and 4 but they were right behind me and had graduated to speaking in normal tones.  What I heard really disturbed me.  As with most preggos in a doctor's office, they talked about the delivery and breastfeeding and diapers and whatnot.  It was  Woman 3's second baby, a boy and Woman 4's first.  Not only am I pretty sure I won't do well in a mom's group, I now know I'm a bona-fide birth and pregnancy junkie.


Woman 3 talked about the birth of her first and how she pushed for four hours and ended up with a c-section.  Then she talked about how her doctor bullied her into getting another one, sharing with Woman 4 that her doctor told her that mere contractions could cause her uterus to split open!  I very nearly turned around to start spouting my research and websites and name-dropping.  Can you imagine?  Furthermore, this woman's doctor told her that if she even attempted labor, NOT even delivery after a c-section she could bleed out and she and the baby could die!  


See, now I'm feeling guilty for not butting in.  I should have crawled over my chair and told them what I know, or at the least find out who her doctor is.  But the best I can do is say it here.


You guys, this is just not true.  It's just not, plain and simple and I'm getting tired of hearing that women are all of a sudden weak and stupid when they get pregnant, or hearing about women being treated like they're weak and stupid.  Yet, that woman has scheduled her second c-section because her doctor scared her (I say bullied.)


I'm going to have to start lining up my sources and websites so I can provide links and point people in directions but that kind of talk is just outrageous!  And these women didn't appear to be uneducated or gullible.  They looked just like any other woman, concerned for their health and that of their babies.


And yeah, this post is about pregnancy but it can be applied to any situation.  Be your own advocate.  Educate yourself.  Ask questions and get informed.


I've heard stories of doctors telling women outlandish things but I'd never experienced it firsthand, but that's because I've made it my responsibility to get informed.  I'll let the four blood draws bit slide but I very easily could have googled it and found out exactly what a glucose challenge entailed.  I didn't because, dare I say it, I may be overcoming my needle-phobia but also because I felt like I was in good hands with the Blood Dude.  But a blood draw is not major abdominal surgery!  You better believe I'm going to read everything I can get my hands on when it comes to that.  But here's the gist:


If you've had a primary c-section, you do NOT have to have c-sections for all the rest of your kids, no questions asked.  Naturally, if you have specific health concerns talk to your caregiver but my goodness, be wary of someone who says you have no options.  There are always options, and they're not just dead baby or alive baby.


That's another thing:  I'm really tired of people playing the dead baby card.  I know I'm scared of stillbirth and that's my thing to deal with, but I'll be damned if I let someone use that fear against me.  That's bullshit and modern medicine has come too far to be resorting to childish tactics like that.  Dead baby or alive baby are NOT your only choices.


Furthermore, you'd have to have had a pretty effed-up c-section to be in true danger of full uterine rupture from a simple contraction and that's something you'd know about waaaay before you get to the delivery room.  These dumb tv shows would have you believe that birth is a crisis that must be managed by all hands on deck, with doctors running the halls with their coats flapping when those types of cases are the only ones that make it to tv because drama sells.  My doctor told me that deliveries can go to hell in a handbasket in about two minutes, to which I asked her "Of the past 100 births you've attended, how many of them went to hell in a handbasket, requiring the crash c that you sometimes see on television?"  Do you know what she told me?


One.


One out of the past 100 births and it wasn't even a crash c.  The woman had been in the hospital overnight and her monitoring strip looked like shit all night and they had a suspicion that things weren't going to go well and were pretty well prepared for it, so when the lady's water broke and looked like sludge from all the meconium, it wasn't a giant surprise.


Drew is in the medical industry, as are many of his friends.  They often get to talking about work stuff and his friend once told me that doctors first treat the lawyers, then the baby and then the mother.  Ain't that some shit?  But that's another post - getting back to the woman and her bully doctor.


GET EDUCATED.  It's your body, your baby, your health, YOUR LIFE.  Sorry for the all caps and bold and italics but I just couldn't believe what I was hearing in the office this morning.  


Just because you're pregnant (or have diabetes for real, or don't have a leg, or have ADD, or have back pain, or insert whatever ailment here), it DOES NOT mean you're stupid.  Yes, pregnancy is a scary time.  I get that wholeheartedly, believe me I get that.  But for god's sake, don't blindly put your faith anywhere until you've done your OWN research and have settled on what works for you.


You want to schedule a c-section?  Knock yourself out, but do it because YOU want to and YOU'VE done your research and that's what YOU'VE decided works for you.  Fear is a very powerful motivator - fire and brimstone churches use it, armies use it, doctors use it, hell, even parents use it.  But it becomes very IN-effective with education.  Knowledge is power.  When you can see with your own two eyes that there is no monster under the bed, it becomes very hard to harbor that fear.  When you read that uterine rupture after a c-section is very very often due to other circumstances and vaginal birth after Cesarean is a very viable option, dumb bully doctors just start looking silly.


Have the courage to ask for evidence - numbers don't lie.  With a little digging, you can find out that a vast majority of women don't have those life and death problems at labor and delivery that they would have you believe are lurking around the corner and hiding under the bed, waiting to ruin your life.  Yes, babies die.  Mothers die too and uterine ruptures happen - but way less often than the fear-mongers would have you believe and it's just not responsible to take that at face-value.  Ask questions!


Was the mother obese?  Did she smoke and drink throughout pregnancy?  Were there other warning signs?  How often do these problems crop up in otherwise healthy women?  


Again, I wouldn't even be pregnant if it weren't for modern medicine so I got nothing but love for the medical community.  But they're people just like you and me.  They have jobs just like us and just like any other profession out there, there are good ones and bad ones.  I'm not even mad at that bully doctor, because I'm not the doctor police and maybe that woman does have some sort of condition that gives her paper-thin skin and no clotting abilities and a uterus made out of cotton.  It just didn't sound that way to me and it's irresponsible of the doctor to resort to fear tactics AND it's irresponsible for her to swallow it.  


Because we're pregnant, not dying.  We have not lost brain cells, no matter how much we all may joke about 'pregnant brain.'  And there is no easy way out of pregnancy.  Natural childbirth is no joke - labor is intense and my body is gearing up to do something it's never done before.  However, a c-section is not an avoidance technique.  Getting sliced open is no walk in the park and recovery from major abdominal surgery is serious.


Okay, I'm off my soapbox now.  But my goodness, let's stop swallowing what our healthcare providers say, be they doctors, midwives or woodland fairies and then turning around and blaming them when we have responsibility too!  


Whew!  This is why I must not ever join a mom's group - could you imagine me getting all fired up in the middle of a playdate when someone spouts off some nonsense that I actually know about?  I'd be run out of there so fast!