But these people are fucking up my zen thing.
You know what I'm sick of? The fear. The fear is killing me. I get it, I understand it, but I don't need it. I don't fucking need it.
Do you know WHY??? Because I'm scared too.
Oh sure, I've studied pregnancy and birth for over two years. Yeah, I've got the information. Yes, I've read the books, watched the videos, talked to the people. I even got the tattoo! As much as I wish that eliminated all doubt and fear, it doesn't. I'm still scared. We have everything - all the stuff we need to bring a baby into our lives is in place and there is nothing left to do but wait.
Hell no, I don't want to contemplate what my world will look like if something happens last minute and there is no baby to put in the crib, no feet to put in the teeny tiny socks, no tiny human to put in the mountains of pink clothes. Because that would be chaos, destruction, annihilation. I cannot come this far to not make it to the finish line. I GET IT.
And as I've been reminded over and over and OVER FUCKING AGAIN that this is not just my experience, that I must consider everyone else in the FUCKING WORLD who has ever known me, that it is their experience too.
But guess the fuck what? I'm not an incubator. I'm a person. I'm still me. Yes, the kid is running the show, but I have not disappeared. And I certainly am not without fear!
So here's what would be super fucking great: Get ahold of yourself! Stop blowing up your fear bombs in my front yard! You're scared of a dead baby? Guess fucking what? At this point if the baby dies, I have to deliver it. Me. Not you. So I don't need your fucking fear on top of my own. It would kind of be even better if I could get some fucking encouragement. You know, to counteract the thought of delivering a dead baby and having a houseful of baby stuff that we may not get to use.
But no, it's cool. Let's do it your way. Go ahead, spew your fearslime all over me. Lay it on me. Tell me how scared you are and let ME reassure YOU. Because all my reading and video-watching have obviously cured me of my fear and I'm just all kinds of capable of dealing with yours.
Yeah, let's do it your way. Go ahead and bottle it up and let loose when the fuck-ever you please. Oh, and for funsies let's pretend it didn't happen. Don't mind me - just got a little fearslime behind my ear. I'm just going to clean that off - but how are YOU feeling?
OH! Here's another fun one! Go ahead and treat me like I'm a fucking reckless selfish daredevil because I want to give my body the chance to go into labor spontaneously! Yeah! Because you and your precious fucking schedule would look better if I could Tell you when the baby's coming - that way you can PLAN. Because THAT'S what's important. YOU. Because this is your experience too.
Never mind helping me. Encouraging me. Supporting me. Do you know these shots STILL fucking hurt? Every fucking time? That my torso is stretched so tight there's no skin to pinch? That I can do it quickly now, but that doesn't mean I'm over it? That just because I no longer cry every time, it doesn't mean everything is okay? That it STILL FUCKING SUCKS?
I almost caved.
I almost said fuck it and scheduled an induction. So everyone else would get off my fucking back. So everyone else could have their fucking piece of this. Because it's their experience too. Because everyone else would breathe easier if I chose my daughter's birthday, the sooner the better. Because the fearslime is heavy and the more I get slimed, the more my own confidence in my ability erodes and I begin to think that maybe I AM wrong, maybe I AM selfish and maybe my body is broken. After all, I've already lost two. Maybe I should let them strap me in, hook me up, and let them take her.
April 8th is a Friday. I could go in the night of the 7th, have her by the 8th and no one would even have to take off work. Because it's their experience too.
And that's what's expected. Who cares how your baby gets here. Who cares what they have to do to you. As long as the baby's healthy. As the incubator, you're a distant second.
I wonder if my own fearslime is clouding my vision. If my fear of being cut in half and being unable to take care of myself and my child is unreasonable. If I should stop caring and just fall in line.
But I can't. Because even though it's your experience, it's my body. And when the dust settles, I'm the only one who is affected. Not you. You're whole, unscarred. Not needing to recover. Just me.
I just want to be calm. I just want peace. If you can't help me with my fear, at LEAST deal with your own. At LEAST check yourself.
Because I'm only human and I can't do this right now. I do not have the capability to handle your fearslime and my own.
I may not completely understand how you feel, but I totally get it. Of course, I'm standing on the opposite side--the one where we still haven't carried a baby yet...doesn't keep people from sharing their fearslime.
ReplyDeleteThere MIGHT be some cursing? Oh, ok. :-)
ReplyDeleteSeriously Desiree, there are people bringing up FEAR OF DEAD BABIES TO YOU? To YOU? What in all the fucks is wrong with people? I do not understand that at all...my mind is seriously blown here.
It's one thing to have to deal with people telling you that you feel a certain way now but when you go into labor all of that hippy stuff is out the window, you know all the usual shit but THAT? That is a motherfucking crossed line Desiree. WOW.
Well if it makes you feel ANY better, you still have people who have seen your journey and have positive affirmations and words of support at the ready. That will not change.
Gem
I want to hug you right now. I want to hug you and yell at every single person that is blowing fearslime on you. (I should mention that the word fearslime makes me giggle a little, but I'm still really angry.)
ReplyDeleteI applaud your braveness. You have been so strong through EVERYTHING that you've had to go through these past couple years, and now it's up to Sofia. She will come when she's ready. No doctor needs to induce her. No people need to bully you into inducing her.
Seriously. You are one of the bravest people I know, and that may be why people feel like you should be helping them be brave - because you're a model brave person. But that's still nonsense. You have every right to be terrified right now if you want to. And no one should be rubbing their scare on you. People should be encouraging and sympathetic, not needy and annoying.
If you need me to come down there and shake some sense into people, you just let me know. :)
Aww baby. Avoid these nutcases! lol. I've honestly noticed that some people decide to share their opinion whether it was solicited or not, and even if its horrible...god bless their mouth that opens when it shouldn't.
ReplyDeleteHoly Moly lady. That is intense. You have all of this on you and people are being jerkfaces. I am sorry!! Here is what you should tell them. F Off! I am cheering for you down here in SC!
ReplyDeleteD, take a deep breath and let it out. You have never let other people's opinions or fears influence you, and you're not going to start now in the final hour. Got it? People are selfish, but you're right, this is about you, whether or not they realize it. This child exists right now because she lives inside of you. They do not get a say in this. Period.
ReplyDeleteAnd, as your friend I can say this by the way, if you say "dead baby" again before Sofia gets here, I am driving to Dallas and kicking your ass. Do you understand me? Sofia, SOFIA, your daughter, is going to be FINE. Every mother experiences terror as childbirth draws near. You are normal.
As for whoever is upsetting you, give them my phone number and I will explain to them that they are not to speak to you again until Sofia makes her debut, on her own time, per her Mommy's wishes.
Sending you lots of love and prayers, Sister. Wish I could be there to help.
I wish I could give you a hug right now and I'm sooo not a hugger. I'm mad at the people causing you this stress no matter how good the intentions. Also glad you wrote this, spoke your mind and sid "fuck" a whole lot. I happen to love that part best.
ReplyDeleteWhile I understand the meaning about this being an experience for other people too, I still think it's total and complete selfish bullshit (and I'm sure they're good people and all, but whatever). Sorry, but it's true. It's your experience above everyone elses and nobody has the right to expose you to their fears right now. Not even hubby.
I don't want to be all sappy, but you're in my thoughts and there you'll stay.
Oh, girl, the stress. Breathe in, breathe out, and do what you feel is right. Hugs and positive thoughts coming your way. Blue skies.
ReplyDeleteWowie - you have some crazies around you!! I give you full permission to tell them (to their faces) to shut the FU** up next time. Tell them that if they say one more non-encouraging word, you won't call them when your darling baby is born.
ReplyDeleteI think that your own fear of taking care of the baby and the actual labour is totally normal - however it should not include all this BS that you are getting from outsiders. DO NOT let them make you think that there is a 'worst case' - you will have a few contractions, get a few drugs (if you so choose) and have a gorgeous baby girl.
And tell your fear mongering peeps to get the F out of your way. :)
Love the post - love that you are being honest and venting. Better out than in, I say!
I think it's time for you to be a total b***h. I think you've probably been your usual sweet self and that is what makes these folks feel comfortable enough to say some bafoonery of the sort to you.
ReplyDeleteI would tell them, "although I appreciate your concern, please feed nothing but positive energy and prayers my way. I have enough to worry about." and then send them on their way with a gentle Effe Off.
I had to have that talk with my mama after the doctor told us my baby has a mass in her lungs... My mama, although I know she meant no harm, went into panic mode and seemed like she doubted my positivity about the situation and tried to put her fear on me.....
Let 'em know (and yourself know) you don't have time for fear, you have a bundle of love to prepare for. Fear is normal in any unknown situation (being you're a first time mom) but all you can do is BREATHE and smile and get over the selfishness of others. Thinking about all the bad that could happen doesn't do anything but steal your own joy.
ReplyDeleteFear keeps you from enjoying the here and now and the thought of a wonderful future with your husband and your daughter. Let the baby come when she wants to come or until you and your doctor both decide it's time.
Good luck lady, and I'm hoping your next post will be a happy one where you're showing off all the greatness of your Dallas baby shower :)
Girl, that's more than a little cussing and well deserved.Some people got nerve...
ReplyDeleteyour baby will come when she is good and ready. I wish you all the best and God's richest blessings.My prayers are with you and your husband for a safe and happy delivery. smile Desiree, i'm so happy for you.
Cheers,
Hanna
I totally want to come down there and tell people to F*** off for you! I know that feeling of people TELLING you to have the baby on dates that fits best for them, and works best for their schedule! It is completely selfish of them to think that this is about them, and their concerns are acutally valid! You, your husband and baby are all that matter!
ReplyDeleteThis whole post made me cry because I remember in vivid detail every single point of my own similar walk. Especially the end. Except, as I told you before.. for me they kept telling me that *I* would die if I tried to do as I wanted to do. As if it was her duty to constantly remind me of my own mortality, Nurse Dread would chirpily remind me "But you could DIE!!!"
ReplyDeleteI so want to hug you right now. I finally did tell nurse dread to NOT mention that to me, ever, again. That she'd done her job, I was informed.
You should do the same. If it would make you feel better that is. Get your mama bear on, and remind them just WHO is having this baby here.
(hugs)
"some cursing" eh? HAH.
ReplyDeleteOkay missy. Here I am again, in my stern mom voice. You are the mom. You do what you WANT TO DO. You walk away from people who are trying to instill fear in you.
She is coming when SHE wants.
You will go into labor on your own.
You know whats best.
SHE WILL BE PERFECTLY HEALTHY AND FINE.
End mom voice.
:)
Whoooaaa Momma!! Glad you let that out...keeping that shit in would cause unnecessary indigestion at this point.
ReplyDeleteWishing you calm, peace and happy days as you coast to your delivery time...whenever God and Sofia intend that to be:)
Sweet Desiree ~ There isn't anything more that my little voice could add that hasn't already been said. But I just feel the need to say, "sometimes a good dump helps us all feel better"!
ReplyDeleteYou hang in there girl; you have come so far and been thru enough without the worry of "fearslime" getting you down now. You have a beautiful baby girl just waiting to be held by her beautiful mommy!
Sending prayers your way for those around you to honor your boundaries or stay the heck away.
You have to pull a Nate Dogg and regulate. Or if you prefer, a Rachel Zoe and shut it down. In a different way than fashion, obvi. When my friend went thru a miscarriage a couple years ago, her husband sent out a press release of sorts. Two sentences to explain what happened and while a 'we appreciate your love & support a don't call us, we'll call you' to sign off. I respected that and didn't call. When I had my own situation, I sent out a similar release. It felt a little lonely at times, but it was the best thing I've ever done. It's your body. It's your baby.
ReplyDeleteRegulate.
Oh sister...fuck em...the whole lot of em. You know yourself, your body and that's all that matters. You are an inspiration to me who has still not made it as far as you have with the baby thing but I'm still trying. Sending light and love your way, and a few curse words at those who are fucking up your zen!
ReplyDeleteAww honey, that's ridiculous. I say kick 'em in the nuts and be done with it. As my Sorors say, this was a good old fashioned "lash-out session", which was clearly needed. You will be amazing. Sofia will be AMAZING, and will come when she's ready like the little diva I'm sure she is. And anyone--ANYONE--who is telling you anything else needs to be put in timeout until they realize you are not to be fucked with. If they can't respect your need to be surrounded by love and happiness and flowers and pixie dust these last few weeks can kick rocks--you'll be sure to give them a call after the birth.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you've been getting this...It's hard enough when it's coming from yourself, let alone other people who aren't as invested in the baby as you are! I hope you can put your Hypnobabies to work and surround yourself with a huge old "bubble of peace." I know that even with a "low risk" pregnancy, I worry plenty about whether or not the baby will make it, etc. It's terrifying, sometimes, to realize that there is no way to live life without some kind of risk, somewhere. Usually I'm pretty good about ignoring that fact, but somehow pregnancy brings it to a forefront.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you...
Phew, fuck their fearslime. Ridiculousness. More than ever before, it is ALL ABOUT YOU right now.
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine had her baby last week (after IF) and wrote this:
"During the past two months I've been spending large pieces of my time with my hypnobirth affirmations and visualizations. I viewed accomplishing a hypnobirth much like finishing a marathon, something that required intense preparation but in the end was truly a 95% mental feat. I was correct in my assumption.
...
Despite the fact that I didn't use the hypno affirmations during birth, the preparation I did in the weeks prior to delivery were integral to our success.
...
The bottom line is that we did it. And he's here. :)
"
YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU ARE PREPARED!!! I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!! (pretend I'm cheering like a high school cheerleader when you read that *grin*)
Desiree,
ReplyDeleteI've never posted a comment on your blog because I don't actually know you. I've found a lot of things on here I like and I really appreciate. However, I wanted to chime in on this one because I get it. I've had 4 children and with every child I get a little stronger about my baby being inside MY body. I wish I could pass that strength to you but you are already crazy strong and you'll get there on your own.
So, I've had this shared with me, and I've seen it shared on other blogs. When anyone asks you just refer them to this site - it might not be enough of a "get out of my face card" but it might at least slow them up.
www.haveyouhadthatbabyyet.com
Oh, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine why or how people are shooting fearslime on you. I don't even know what else to say, but continue to be brave and stand strong - even if that means telling someone off to their face. *hugs*
ReplyDeletePeople say stupid shit because they have nothing else to say or don't know what to say. Fuck them. I think you have every right to just turn around and walk away. You've been through so much just to get this far.
ReplyDeleteAlso, last I checked unborn babies were the authorities on when to be born. Love you
i'm sorry that you're having to go through this right now. even if you may not have people around you that you can lean on, please know that your virtual friends are right behind you.
ReplyDeletetry to stay in your peaceful place, you're almost there!
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)
I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteSomething occurred to me last night when I read this post, but I didn't want to mention it in case I was way off base. However, it has kept coming back to me today, so I'm going to take a chance, and if I'm wrong, please accept my apology for butting in.
ReplyDeleteWhat I'm wondering is if Drew is one of the people you're angry with?
If so, does that change the advice people have been giving you?
I would wholeheartedly agree that no one else has any right [or human decency] to be talking about such matters with you.
But if Drew is one of them, I can't help but think that he's in a terrible position...just as worried [with as much right] as you are, with nothing he can do about it.
If I'm wrong, or if I'm right but you hate me for saying it anyway, I promise I won't ever leave a comment again. This just seems too important to not mention just because I'm afraid you'll hate me.
Dear Desiree,
ReplyDeleteI didn't have the guts to read to the end, or to read any previous comment. What I know is this: fear never leaves us. Fear is the most trustworthy companion I have. Fear that anything and everything can and will go wrong. Times three.
I just live with it. I had my share of happiness, unhappiness and tragedy. I know the taste. I have so much at this moment, un-stolen-able things, children to love, husband to cherish, possibilities, potential, whatever, so many things that cannot be stolen, but very well can be lost, I'm paralyzed with fear. I just live. From morning till night.
I have so much trust in you, in the force the life juices in you! I am sure you can and will go through these last weeks of pregnancy. I am sure her little feet will outgrow the tiny socks. Just wait and see. And love. The rest? Dust and wind, never been, never will be.
Damn Des... :( This post made me sad at first and then it just pissed me the fuck off. If the person(s) throwing the fearslime is who I think it may be it will be all I can do not to drive down there (7 months preggo and all) and kick their ass myself. This is just BULLSHIT!
ReplyDelete1st: The fear you feel is real. You've had 2 miscarraiges already. You live it. You breathe it. You don't need to be reminded of it. To be someone who is supposed to love you and cherish you to bring that up so cold and calous.... it's venum... venum that you do not need or deserve.
2nd: The fear you feel is real. You are a mom now. Even though Sofia isn't hear, you are her mother. You feel her every move. You feel her hiccups. You made her nursery a reality. You made HER a reality. Even moms who don't go through all you have gone through experience the fear. The what-ifs. No one should ever "ADD" to your fear. If anything, they should support you. Console you when needed. And tell you that everything is going to be ok.
3) If deadbaby comes out of their mouth again.... I'm going to punch them in the junk. Period. And I'm with Cori... if deadbaby comes out of your mouth again, I'm driving down there with her. Watching you have a healthy baby girl and then punching YOU in the va-jay-jay! :)
I wish I could tell you to just exercise these evil jackasses out of your life. You don't deserve it.
I'm here for you. Have been for 22 years of friendship now. I'm not going to stop. Please call me. To vent, to laugh, to cry. Whatever you need. I love you Des.
I agree with Grace to You in that it sounds like Drew is one of the main targets of this post. I'm basing that off what you said about people's schedules and taking time off work... but forgive me if I'm wrong! If I'm right though, I know it has to be hard when your best friend, the person who should be the most encouragement to you right now, is instead discouraging you and letting his fears rub off on you. You can do it Desiree... you are in this together, but of course we all realize that it is YOU who has to go through the labor an delivery. This will be a memory both of you will always cherish! Your nursery reveal post made me smile, but this one just makes me sad. As you can see by all the comments above mine, you have a lot of people thinking of and praying for you! Blessings to you, Drew, and of course your little peanut Sofia. This too shall pass Desiree, and soon you'll have a beautiful baby to remind you of life's little blessings.
ReplyDeleteDesiree, please don't listen to the idiots!! You're better than them and besides, you've got a ton of people who have your back! I truly hope your post let you blow off some steam and now you can relax. Just know that your readers would fight any of those people if we had the chance! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much for your kind words of encouragement as well as the offers to fight those who are pissing me off! I think that's what I'm most grateful for! :-)
ReplyDeleteThings are turning around but I definitely know who to call if I ever need to ride on someone!
Damn Des... :( This post made me sad at first and then it just pissed me the fuck off. If the person(s) throwing the fearslime is who I think it may be it will be all I can do not to drive down there (7 months preggo and all) and kick their ass myself. This is just BULLSHIT!
ReplyDelete1st: The fear you feel is real. You've had 2 miscarraiges already. You live it. You breathe it. You don't need to be reminded of it. To be someone who is supposed to love you and cherish you to bring that up so cold and calous.... it's venum... venum that you do not need or deserve.
2nd: The fear you feel is real. You are a mom now. Even though Sofia isn't hear, you are her mother. You feel her every move. You feel her hiccups. You made her nursery a reality. You made HER a reality. Even moms who don't go through all you have gone through experience the fear. The what-ifs. No one should ever "ADD" to your fear. If anything, they should support you. Console you when needed. And tell you that everything is going to be ok.
3) If deadbaby comes out of their mouth again.... I'm going to punch them in the junk. Period. And I'm with Cori... if deadbaby comes out of your mouth again, I'm driving down there with her. Watching you have a healthy baby girl and then punching YOU in the va-jay-jay! :)
I wish I could tell you to just exercise these evil jackasses out of your life. You don't deserve it.
I'm here for you. Have been for 22 years of friendship now. I'm not going to stop. Please call me. To vent, to laugh, to cry. Whatever you need. I love you Des.
Something occurred to me last night when I read this post, but I didn't want to mention it in case I was way off base. However, it has kept coming back to me today, so I'm going to take a chance, and if I'm wrong, please accept my apology for butting in.
ReplyDeleteWhat I'm wondering is if Drew is one of the people you're angry with?
If so, does that change the advice people have been giving you?
I would wholeheartedly agree that no one else has any right [or human decency] to be talking about such matters with you.
But if Drew is one of them, I can't help but think that he's in a terrible position...just as worried [with as much right] as you are, with nothing he can do about it.
If I'm wrong, or if I'm right but you hate me for saying it anyway, I promise I won't ever leave a comment again. This just seems too important to not mention just because I'm afraid you'll hate me.
Phew, fuck their fearslime. Ridiculousness. More than ever before, it is ALL ABOUT YOU right now.
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine had her baby last week (after IF) and wrote this:
"During the past two months I've been spending large pieces of my time with my hypnobirth affirmations and visualizations. I viewed accomplishing a hypnobirth much like finishing a marathon, something that required intense preparation but in the end was truly a 95% mental feat. I was correct in my assumption.
...
Despite the fact that I didn't use the hypno affirmations during birth, the preparation I did in the weeks prior to delivery were integral to our success.
...
The bottom line is that we did it. And he's here. :)
"
YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU ARE PREPARED!!! I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!! (pretend I'm cheering like a high school cheerleader when you read that *grin*)
I may not completely understand how you feel, but I totally get it. Of course, I'm standing on the opposite side--the one where we still haven't carried a baby yet...doesn't keep people from sharing their fearslime.
ReplyDelete