This is Drew with the check that he took to the closing Monday morning. We're set to move in May 1st and I can't wait. I'm positively fantasizing about unpacking and putting things away and getting a sense of normalcy back in our lives. It hasn't been easy for either of us and truth be told, there were a few times that I wondered if we were going to make it. Stress is a monster, it is real and it is destructive.
I fully take a lot of responsibility for the drama that I've caused. I thrive on being in control - but only over myself, not others. Routine comforts me and I like doing my part to ensure that I know what's going to happen next. I'm sure that's why I did well in school - you do the work, you get a good grade. It makes sense and there's comfort in that order. Even when I waited tables, I knew approximately how much money I would make given the section I was in that night. I always knew how much money I had at a given time and I rarely overdrew my checking account. I'm a pretty predictable person; I take the same way to work, shop in the same spots, and every now and then branch out. It's the exception though, not the rule.
This house has pushed me to the edge of my comfort zone and beyond. I didn't know what was going to happen, I didn't know when we were moving, when the normalcy was coming back. And there was nothing I could do about it. It was terrible. I crave order and I didn't know how bad it was until all this happened. There was no set timeline: you look for a house, find one, submit paperwork, write the checks, get the keys, all taking a set amount of time with each step with few or no variations. I wanted it that way because that's nice and neat and I don't have to have a panic attack to do it. Yeah, it didn't happen that way with us.
But the lesson learned is that I survived. Do I now embrace chaos? Hell to the NO. I like order and routine and that will never change. Having things just so will always make me feel better than not. Having a routine and/or a timeline that I can easily follow and makes sense to me will always comfort me. Having the safety and stability (perceived or otherwise) that those things give me will help me find the courage to branch out and try new things in my own way and on my own time.
I thank God for teaching me this lesson and I know that I'm being prepared for the things that are coming in my life (children - the ultimate routine breakers) and I know that with time and grace I'll be able to handle the challenges that come my way.
But can I have a minute to straighten the cabinets first?
No comments:
Post a Comment
When you leave me a comment, my phone chimes. I run to it from across the house, anxious to read what you've said. I save them in my email and read them multiple times a day, which is why you may not get an immediate response but I promise I eventually respond to every comment that has an email address.
You make me smile - I just thought you should know.