Labels

I promise the pictures from Paris are coming. There are over 300 and they're all good and I still have some things on my mind before I 'pretty blog' again.

So I've been thinking about the idea of labels - what they mean and how they affect us. Namely, I've been thinking about how I label myself and its effects on my well-being.

Independent - I pride myself on being able to take care of myself, provide for myself and being able to be the person that others come to for help. After hitting whatever's underneath rock bottom several years ago, I made up my mind that I would never go back there, never allow myself to get that beat-down (metaphorically) again. I crawled my way back up and found my smile again, along with a very solid resolve that has served me well. I know now that it does not in fact kill you, you do in fact get stronger.

However, does being independent mean that I can't ask for help? Does being strong mean I'm not allowed to be vulnerable? When and why did I impose these restrictions on myself? It's like having a cast - sure you're protected but leave it on too long and you start to wither inside. But the thing is, sometimes when you get up the courage to begin to remove the cast, I find that others aren't willing to let you. 'But you're the strong one, what are you doing showing weakness? You're independent, you don't need anyone, remember?'

It's so hard to allow myself to shed the label that I chose. I feel like because I chose it I'm not allowed to be anything but that.

Serious - It's no secret - I'm a direct speaker and I prefer the same from others. I tell you exactly what I want when I want it so there's no need for confusion or interpretation mistakes. I'm not a psychic and I don't expect you to be. In that same vein, I'm not a huge fan of sarcasm - I think it's an ineffective form of communication and more often than not, it's hurtful. However, as serious as I am I'm also playful. I can tease and throw out witty remarks and make jokes too. I'm not always buttoned-up and stiff upper lip. But because of it, I sometimes feel like I don't have permission to be playful, like I'm not being true to myself if I say something 'out of character'.

Predictable - I take the same way to work, I know what kind of food I like, I know what kind of movies I don't like and I have a pretty defined sense of style. So it's really hard to give myself permission to try new things. I do it out of fear - fear of looking silly, hurting myself, messing up or negatively affecting someone else. Most times I'll say no to a new experience the first time and then I'm locked into that 'no' forever. I shut the door myself and mostly out of pride I won't go back on that 'no'. But I'm not always that way and with a gentle helping hand I can find the courage to branch out.

Girlfriend, attached, committed, etc. - Girlfriend is different from single is different from married. When you're one of these things, you can't behave like you're something else. If you are a girlfriend, some of the things that you did while single no longer fit. However, just because you now hold a different title doesn't mean you unilaterally give up everything that makes you you. I don't go to yoga nearly as often as I used to when I was single and that's okay because I'm a girlfriend now and I have different obligations. But that doesn't mean that I can't ever go again. When did I decide that for myself? My relationship won't wither away if I go two nights a week - and if it does, that's a completely different cause for concern. How does giving up a passion make you a better person for your significant other? 'I'm a girlfriend now, I can't do that.' We're not talking about dating other people, it's a yoga class. When did I let that happen?

I could go on, but my point is that while I believe in the comfort and the stability that naming things and putting things in their place provides, we don't have to stay in those boxes. These labels aren't handcuffs, they aren't casts. Yes, I'm independent but I could not survive without my loved ones - my boyfriend, my family, my friends. Yes I'm serious but I can joke and play with the best of them. Yes, I'm a girlfriend and I hope to have the honor of also wearing the labels of wife and mother but I'm still Desiree.

I'm all of these things and more and I must give myself the permission to get outside the box, color outside the lines and whatever other metaphor you want to throw in. When I'm told 'that's not like you' I will understand that it's easier for others to categorize and judge but I will not obediently go back into that box, resign to wear that label and silence those parts of myself. I will be compassionate and understanding but not meek.

Multi-faceted, three-dimensional, complex - Yeah, that's me.