I'm an emotional cutter

Or maybe I'm courageous.  I'm not sure - the only thing I know is that it was too much too soon.
My girlfriend Diana had her baby shower on Sunday.  She's kind of my hero, as she's been through two miscarriages before getting successfully pregnant this time.  She called when I had my miscarriage and offered her support and her kind words and I was so grateful for that.  If she can get back on the horse, so can I.

However, we're not identical.  Diana is the kind of woman I would like to be.  She's even more direct and take charge than I am.  She's the type of woman who gets things done.  She's very no-nonsense and I really like her straight-forward, look-you-in-the-eye way of interacting with people.  Straight shooter is another thing that comes to mind.  And she's gorgeous - so she's pretty much awesome.

For her I would brave a baby shower.  For her I would try.  When I got the invitation, I was originally going to just send something along - I had no desire to go and be around all that big-belly contentment.  I was really not going to go when she told me that the hostess of the shower was also pregnant and due within two days of her.  But she's my friend and she'd been through it twice so really, how could I not go.  So I bought a baby thing and RSVP'd two days before the shower.

I got to the girl's house and freaked when I couldn't remember her name.  I was already flustered because I stopped at Target to get a gift bag for the present, but it turned out to be too small for the gift, so I had to return it and get the giant gift bag which was far too big but what was I gonna do.  Then I didn't know where I was going, which I can't stand because I was already late.  I definitely didn't want to be the first person at the party but I sure as hell didn't want to be the last.  I finally arrived, after driving past the house and cursing up a storm.  I knew it was a baby shower but I was desperately hoping there would be alcohol.

I wasn't the last one to arrive thank God and the hostess, Jennifer, had sangria - thank GAWD.  My glass stayed full.  I arrived before Diana, which was all that mattered.  She arrived shortly after I did, with her husband!  If I had known boys were allowed I totally would have brought Drew for moral support.

Thankfully, we didn't play a bunch of silly baby shower games.  We only did one - where you taste the food and have to guess what kind it is.  The macaroni and cheese one was straight up NASTY.  Note to self:  don't make your kid eat any food you haven't first tried.  It's only fair.  Then I broke out my camera and it got rough.

She was on her tiptoes and I was scrunching down.  In real life she probably comes to my shoulder - she's one of those SUPER CUTE pregnant girls.

This is where I emotionally started cutting myself.

Why?  Why did I do that?  Why did I take a picture of the cute pregnant ladies with cute daddies-to-be in front of the cute Christmas tree?  Why?  Because I'm an emotional cutter, that's why.  It's the same reason I looked at the video of the sonogram fifty thousand times, the same reason I looked at my non-belly pictures over and over again.  Because if I bombard my senses I'll heal faster, I'll get numb sooner.  That's what I told myself.

More cutting.

It didn't work.  The jealousy, the JEALOUSY washed over me, unbidden, unwanted.  I wanted to just be happy for them both, be happy for Diana, that she was finally getting to be a mommy after two losses.  And I was - I just wanted to be where they were too, I wanted to already be on the other side, not still in the muck.  I wanted to be out already, and I thought that by going to the shower I could speed along this healing process, so I could be all better again. 

Now, I didn't ruin the shower by any means.  I smiled and cooed over the one baby that was there.  I'm not posting his picture because he's not my kid and that feels kinda weird.  But he was a cute kid and I snapped some pictures of him interacting with Diana and she was all glowy, the kid was all glowy and I wanted that.  I didn't want to take anything away from them, I just wanted to join them.  I wanted to share in the big-belly contentment.

I almost got out scot-free until one of the other ladies turned to me and said, "Now how many kids do you have?"  I said "none" way too quickly.  Thankfully, Diana didn't overhear the exchange - I really didn't want to mess up her day and she's such a sweet person she would have picked up on the uncomfortable-ness and tried to do something.  And that was not the time for that - it was her time to open her presents, put the outfits on her belly and just be happy.

I hung in there till the end, thankful that it was only a couple hours long.  I tried not to look to obvious as I ran to my car, glad that I had done my duty.  I just wanted to go home.  We were supposed to decorate our tree that night and I was looking forward to it.

Drew couldn't have known everything that went on in my head at the shower.  He was the one who suggested that I go, but he couldn't have known how difficult it turned out to be.  That's the only reason why he gets a pass - because when I called him to let him know I was coming home, he told me that he invited our neighbor over to help decorate OUR tree!  I lost. my. shit.  I started yelling at him about how it was OUR tree, in OUR house, that WE were supposed to decorate it, as a FAMILY, you don't bring your freakin NEIGHBORS over to decorate YOUR tree!  Who does that?! 

Yeah yeah, it was displaced emotion over the baby shower.  Yeah yeah, I get that - but still, decorating the Christmas tree is a FAMILY thing.  Drew knows that now.  So no harm done.

I got home and was still in a funk so I just sat on the sofa and read for a while.  I know jealousy in this situation is normal, I just hate jealousy as an emotion in general.  It's so pointless and weak.  You want something someone else has, go get it and don't begrudge them what they have.  That's why I got so mad when the car got broken into.  But that's the rub!  I can't just go get a baby - I can't just say poof! successful pregnancy, no memories of the past!  That so truly sucks.

*sigh*  It was a nice shower and I'm glad I got to see my friend.  She's almost done cooking and I will go see the baby after she's born. 

It will be better by then - it has to.