Say what you mean to say

Sorry, this isn't a post about how much I like John Mayer.  I mean, he's not bad.  We totally have a John Mayer station on Pandora.

No, this is a post about direct speech.  In other words, saying what you mean.  You see how I did that?  With the song?  And the topic of the post?  It's called wit, y'all. 

Anyway, when I was a waitress, I was witness to the most INDIRECT speech all the time and it drove me NUTS.  My favorite was the classic "Can I have a refill/a napkin/another plate/a punch in the face WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE?" (Capital letters mine.  No one ever yelled at me when I waited tables.  Otherwise, they WOULD have gotten a punch in the face.)

We all know that 'when you get a chance' does not actually mean that.  They want what they want NOW and they think they're being nice by phrasing it that way (Sidebar:  A simple 'please' conveys politeness AND that you would like your request attended to at that moment.  See how that works?)  Now, I always knew what they really meant, and I usually got what they wanted right then.  Unless I was feeling ornery.  Then I would wait until they would stop me and be all "UM Miss.  I'm still waiting on my refill."  To which I would sweetly answer "You said when I got a chance.  I haven't had a chance yet", and then I would leave and sometimes get a shitty tip, but sometimes get a good one because everyone likes a waitress with SASS.

Incidentally, do you know how a waitress says fuck you?  "I'll be right back."  Yes, I know it's old but it's still funny to me and that's all that counts.

HOWEVER, that is all set up for my real story.  But I have to censor so bear with me.

A few days ago, or a few years ago, or a few hours ago, this happened.  You see how I'm throwing you off?  That's censorship - so you don't know WHEN I'm talking about.

A person, male or female, did something to another person, who I may or may not know.  Now you're all confused.  And this second person may or may not be a friend.  I ain't tellin.

Well, Person One went to Person Two and said "Where's the posterboard?"  To which person Two said "In the supply closet."  Simple question, simple answer, right?  HA!  It wouldn't be a story if it were simple!

Person One then went BACK to Person Two and said, to the effect "You're such an idiot.  The posterboard in the supply closet is too big for this *very important project* I'm working on!  I need 8x10 posterboard so I can make a get well card for the CEO's kitten!  GAH!  Why do you SUCK?"

Naturally, Person Two was pee-ossed!  (sound it out)  No one would like to be yelled at for giving the correct answer to a simple question.  If Person One had said what they meant to say, this could have been avoided.  Then it got fun.

Person One then sent an email (or smoke signal, or messenger pigeon) to Person THREE who had nothing to do with it but that's how Person One is, talking about Person Two and how much they suck.  Person Three then sent said messenger pigeon to the parties in question, including me.  Person One then made the hee-yooooge mistake of coming to ME and saying how much Person Two (a possible friend of mine.  For censorship purposes.) sucks and how they don't know anything.  Big mistake.  Big.  HUGE.

Never, and I do mean, NEV-AH come to me talking about my friends.  I'm not the one.  It's grounds for a punch.

So I had to set my *friend* straight. "I got your email and the posterboard in the supply closet is used only for major presentations.  If you wanted something small, you should have gone to the craft room, where all the smaller cardstock is kept.  I knew that and Person Two told me that the day I started here.  It just sounded like you were the only one who didn't know."

Since I too was censored that was all I could say, but I sure did say it with a very pointed tone and a nasty look on my face.  Or maybe I didn't.  This could all be a lie.  But what is NOT a lie is that you should think twice, maybe FOUR times about talking smack about my friends within my earshot.  Or email-shot.  Or whatever.  Don't talk about my friends. 

What I wanted to say was, "FIRST OF ALL, PLEASE don't tell you're that dumb that you gon' come to ME and talk about MY friend (oh yes, I get ghetto.  You can't be surprised.)  If you had SAID what you wanted in the FIRST PLACE you would have fount it the FIRST time, BEOTCH."

Indirect speech:  It brings out the ghetto in me.  This has been your Public Service Announcement from the Just Say What The Hell It Is You Really Want, Damn Foundation.  Thank you.