About to burst

Ever since I was little, I've kept a journal. I've always written to get my thoughts out because having them knocking around my head usually ends badly for me. I think too much about things, I get anxious and then I end up doing something dumb. That's kind of where I am right now - I'm about to burst and I can't take it anymore. This blog is my space, my corner where I dump my thoughts, stories, and frustrations for posterity, for help and to just plain get. it. out. So here goes...

Remember the whole FSH and infertility business? If not, refresh your memory - I'll wait. Anyway, when I got my FSH news, Drew was out of town. He got back home on a Friday night, and we talked and hugged and kissed and he told me everything was going to be okay. Several friends of ours have had difficulty conceiving and we just kind of thought that would be us too. 'Okay fine, it's going to take us a while. No big, we'll have fun trying'. That whole weekend for the first time in our relationship we, ummmmm, ya know...........

Okay you know what, we had unprotected sex. There. Gollee. I always did hate beating around the bush and we're all grown ups here. Frankly, I just wanted to see what it felt like as we have always been uber-careful. And it was fun. Okay, I'll stop - I know Drew reads this sometimes and I don't want him to die of embarrassment. Saturday, Sunday, Monday - ok now for real, I'll stop. Sunday morning, Drew put his ear on my belly to see if he could hear 'his man-seed swimming around'. I laughed and told him not to get excited, that it could take years for us to get pregnant.

That was the last weekend in July - August 5th I feel some cramping. I noted it because I don't EVER cramp before my period. I usually cramp one to two hours before; that's how I know it's coming, and I'm not due till Aug. 8th. I do some quick counting and realize that weekend was my fertile time. But I quickly think don't get your hopes up, it could be nothing.

However, August 8th and 9th come and go with no Aunt Flow. Monday the 10th Drew went out of town again so I was at home by myself with my thoughts for the whole week, as he wasn't supposed to come back till that Friday. On Tuesday I called him and told him I still hadn't started yet. He was like, 'well go get a test'. I told him there was no way I was taking a test without him there so he just needed to cancel whatever he was doing and come home now.

Well, praise the baby Jesus, he came home Wednesday night. I got off work and stopped at the CVS when he called. 'What are you doing?' 'Just walking in to CVS.' 'For what?' 'What do you think?' 'Oh. So you're coming straight home after?' 'Um, yaaaaah.'

So I bought three tests and when I walked in the door he was going through the mail all nonchalant, like his life wasn't about to change (maybe) in the next few minutes. He's all asking me about my day, and I'm like 'who CARES about my day??!!' I shake the box in front of his face in an effort to snap him out of it. He's like, 'well I can't pee on the thing, go on already'.

I go in the bathroom but I chicken out. What if it's positive? What if it's not? All of a sudden, I don't want to do it. But the suspense is killing me, so finally I just yank my pants down and pee on the stick. I set it on the counter, get situated and stand up to wash my hands. In those ten seconds, I got this.

I said, 'oh my god' real quiet and just stared at it for the longest time. I meant for us to look at it together but it changed so fast I couldn't have helped but be the first one to see it. I brought in into the kitchen and let it fall on the island. Drew looked up and said, 'It hasn't been two minutes yet'. 'Sweetie, it doesn't fade'. He looked at it for the longest time. I was like, 'what does this mean?' He goes, 'I think it means you're pregnant'.

Hearing the words come out of his mouth really hit me. I went and laid on the bed in a state of shock. My eyes were all glazed over and my mouth was just hanging open. Three tries. Three times and I'm pregnant. I was ready for it to take years, I was psyching myself up for the challenges of infertility, I was looking up basal body thermometers. I was going to get fertility tests, for god's sake!

The day I had gone to the fertility doctor he did an ultrasound to check things; he showed me a follicle sac and told me that I likely ovulated some days prior. Little did I know that I had indeed ovulated, that egg had been fertilized and at that moment a microscopic bundle of cells was making its way down to my uterus!

We called his parents because he had already told them that I was late and that I had gone to get a test. They were overjoyed and want to be called Nanny and Poppy. I love it! My mom had to play it a little more cool because my dad was in the car and I didn't want to tell him yet as we are slowly slowly slowly getting back on speaking terms. So Cori and Kelly, please don't tell your husbands because I don't want them telling my brother who may or may not tell my dad. I know my brother doesn't read my blog but just in case and I know my dad barely uses the computer for email so I should be good there too. I'm going back to KC in October for my bridal shower and I figure I'll tell him then - this sort of thing needs to be face to face I think.

But GAWD, I have been bursting! I have so many thoughts swirling around my head! Drew didn't want me to say anything to anyone else, but then at the housewarming party so many of our friends were hugging me and whispering congratulations in my ear, I knew Drew had spilled it. I know he was bragging about his super sperm. Plus, our other friends figured it out when I wasn't drinking because normally I'm bellied up wherever there's alcohol. I was sipping on juice and Pellegrino and I didn't think people would notice - but I guess when you're known for keeping up with your boyfriend drink for drink, the absence of that doesn't get missed.

I know I'm not through the first trimester yet but I can't take it anymore! I'm freaking out and I need to get it out of my head because I can't talk to Drew about it as much as I want to. It's not super real for him yet I don't think and he's not as neurotic as I am about this. Besides, boys just don't get it when you ask them how they're going to handle it when their teenage son breaks curfew. He was like, 'you're not even showing yet!' I was like, I don't care, I need to know now. So I'm thinking I need to sort of lay off Drew and ask these questions of the blog world, so that Drew will be able to make it through to the teenage years.

**big sigh**

Okay, now that that's out I feel so much better. I thought I was going to go nuts!

Holy sh*t, I'm pregnant y'all!