When I got my yearly a few weeks ago, my doctor told me about a blood test I could get to test my ovarian reserve. Drew and I have always wanted to have children and we're finally to the place that we're ready to pull the trigger so I wanted to make sure everything was in its place, and nothing was where it wasn't supposed to be. The test measures the FSH hormone, which is the hormone that is produced in ovulation. Basically, when you have a lot of eggs, there isn't much FSH and when you don't have a lot the hormone is higher. A high number is no bueno.That was the bloodwork that I got done last week. I went to the trusty internet to get the scoop on ovarian testing and the number I was looking for is anything below 10. Above ten means it's time to get on the proverbial stick and get serious about getting pregnant.
The week that I was waiting was so difficult. I wrestled with even having the test done in the first place - if my number was high, could I have that information and not be stressed out? I already knew that fertility starts declining at 27 and that I'm no spring chicken. At this stage in the game, an 'oops' would probably not be in the cards. However, I'm healthy, I don't smoke, I take care of myself and my age, although an important factor, wouldn't completely prohibit me.
I didn't want to delude myself - I knew I wouldn't be a four or five -- I thought probably a seven or an eight at the most. And then my doctor called yesterday afternoon.
I'm a 12.
12 is entering the infertility zone. When she told me that, my first response was, 'But I'm healthy!' I couldn't believe it - she wants me to make an appointment for a consultation with a fertility specialist. I can't believe it - I never thought that I would ever have to consider something like this. I can't believe this!!!
When I got off the phone with her, I went to my friend's cube and burst into tears. She hugged and consoled me and then I pulled it together enough to call Drew, when I burst into tears all over again. Drew was great though - he kept it together, telling me that it was going to be okay, that we'd get through it and we were going to be fine.
I was so angry - all these years trying not to get pregnant, being careful, being 'scared' that I might be, and now I'm looking at possible difficulty when I actually want to get pregnant. Awesome. Thankfully, when I got home that night I had a marathon conversation with my dad (that didn't end well) that took my mind off of things. Falling asleep was easy because I was so mentally drained.
This morning, I have a new perspective and I'm thankful it's a new day. This information is not the end of the world - it's a whole new thing that I never thought would be a part of my reality but it is. Although I can't lie - there was a mother and son on the bus this morning and I looked at them, wondering if that was still within my reach and if so, how much would it cost, in both time and money. Thankfully, I don't have anger or resentment yet and I'm going to do my best not to let those feelings get a hold of me. I just looked at them with curiousity whereas before I took that for granted. I just knew I would have kids, that it would be me sitting with my son one day. I'm not as sure as I used to be.
This information simply means that we no longer have to be careful. I don't want to do the whole taking my temperature and charting stuff just yet - I'm not ready for that. And God KNOWS I don't want any shots! I'm sending up a separate, specific prayer for that one! This has just changed our personal timeline, it has presented us with a new challenge to deal with and we have already chosen to use it to make our relationship stronger.
But the inner me just wants to throw a tantrum. I want to kick and yell that it's not fair, I'm healthy, I'm thin, I don't smoke, I take care of my body, I do YOGA! C'mon! Infertility? Me? Really? Are you sure this isn't a mistake? Didn't you mean to give this to someone else? I'm just supposed to enjoy my husband and we just make a baby - nice and easy. I'm not supposed to need to see a specialist - and I sure as HELL am not supposed to get more blood drawn!!!
.............................
Okay, you know what? I'm not claiming this - I will not speak it into existence. We're going to start trying and it will strengthen our relationship. We will go on this journey together and we will find personal strength that we didn't think we had. If I am meant to get pregnant I will. I accept this.
But I don't want to.
Awww man! I don't want children. I never have and I just don't have that instinct. And if I could give you whatever reproductive parts I had I totally would.
ReplyDeleteSo here is to sending you good baby making thoughts your way...OK that sounded like I'm a perv. You know what I mean ;)
Also, you said husband...did I miss something hmm?
Good luck with trying. It took us 14 months for our 1st.
ReplyDeleteSo I know what your going thru.
Try not to stress about it.
Charting & temping does help though, it you want to start right away.
Thanks y'all! It hasn't really sunk in yet but I'm sure it will soon enough.
ReplyDeleteKristina: *whispering* (I'm not supposed to say anything. R*ngs have been purchased (they're gorgeous!!) but it's not official. The timeline has been moved up because of all this. I've been told that by tax time next year we'll file as married!)
Desiree---Listen to me carefully. I find that number, the FSH, to be semi-bullshit. Do not worry about it! When I couldn't get pg at 27, they tested me. My FSH was like 10.6 or something. They told me that I had the ovaries of a 40 year old woman, and my Reproductive Endocrinologist told that if I'd come to him a year later, I probably wouldn't ever be able to get pg. I was devastated. Then he surgically removed my endometriosis, (which had caused my infertility), and immediately recommended IVF. We did it, after 2 failed insemination attempts. That IVF was the beginning of Aidan. But here's the deal. At 29, I went to a different R.E., because we had moved. My number was still just under 11. He also told me to "hurry up". I got pg on my own less than a month later with no intervention at all. 2 1/2 years after that, I got pg with Cooper on my own. I asked my OB about it after Cooper, how I could keep getting pg with a high FSH, and her response? "Maybe the inflammation of your endometriosis made the number high...?" In other words, it's unexplainable. That number is not a tell-all. I had my first FSH drawn 7 years ago, and by all doctors' predictions I should be in menopause right now. The medical community is not all knowing. That number is a tool, but you may have been a 12 when you were 22 years old. Maybe that's your normal. If you were a 25, that might be different. But 12 is borderline, and I bet you'll be fine. Email me if you need to. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteCori,
ReplyDeleteI have to tell you when she told me that I immediately thought of you and I really wanted to talk to you about this. I'm so thankful for you reaching out to me and I'd really like to take you up on your offer. Would you mind emailing me at desireewynn@gmail.com? I'll give you my number if you don't mind. I just have some questions and I'd really just like to talk to another woman, not a doctor you know?
Wow. I was wondering if there were certain tests I could start looking at. For some reason, I have always felt that I would never be able to have kids. Based on absolutely nothing. Now that we're ready, I'm a little afraid. I'm unsure whether to get this blood test you got or to just try and if nothing happens, then do tests. BLAH.
ReplyDeleteDesiree---Listen to me carefully. I find that number, the FSH, to be semi-bullshit. Do not worry about it! When I couldn't get pg at 27, they tested me. My FSH was like 10.6 or something. They told me that I had the ovaries of a 40 year old woman, and my Reproductive Endocrinologist told that if I'd come to him a year later, I probably wouldn't ever be able to get pg. I was devastated. Then he surgically removed my endometriosis, (which had caused my infertility), and immediately recommended IVF. We did it, after 2 failed insemination attempts. That IVF was the beginning of Aidan. But here's the deal. At 29, I went to a different R.E., because we had moved. My number was still just under 11. He also told me to "hurry up". I got pg on my own less than a month later with no intervention at all. 2 1/2 years after that, I got pg with Cooper on my own. I asked my OB about it after Cooper, how I could keep getting pg with a high FSH, and her response? "Maybe the inflammation of your endometriosis made the number high...?" In other words, it's unexplainable. That number is not a tell-all. I had my first FSH drawn 7 years ago, and by all doctors' predictions I should be in menopause right now. The medical community is not all knowing. That number is a tool, but you may have been a 12 when you were 22 years old. Maybe that's your normal. If you were a 25, that might be different. But 12 is borderline, and I bet you'll be fine. Email me if you need to. Love ya!
ReplyDelete