Back at it

I've tried five times to properly begin this post and each time I delete it and start over. What sort of commentary does death deserve? How do you record your feelings without sounding trite or callous? I'm not sure.

I drove all night Friday and arrived in KC around 3:30a. I collapsed in the bed at my best friend's house and slept till noon. My intent was to go to my parent's house and simply sit with my mom. I was going to go to the grocery store and cook some of the easy dishes I had seen Drew make so she wouldn't have to worry about it. I intended to do the laundry and basically take care of her in this time. It's my duty as a daughter and I was prepared. Then my mom called and told me to stay at my best friend's, that she would pick me up from there. I knew what that meant - my father told her I wasn't welcome and if she wanted to see me, she'd have to come to me. When I got off the phone with my mom, I cursed creatively to my best friend and her fiance so I wouldn't unload on my mom. I'm so disappointed with my father - of all the times to act like a child, the weekend of my uncle's funeral is not the one. However, I got it all out and by the time she got there I was fully present and ready to be there for her.

We went to my aunt's house to check on her only to find that she's not dealing well with any of this - I'm really worried about her. We picked up my 4-year-old cousin and went to meet my brother for lunch while My aunt stayed at the house. While my cousin is a total cutie pie, my brother was another story altogether. We've always had a tenous relationship - he's very high-strung and the littlest thing sends him into a fit. Just when I think we're ok, something I do/don't do or say/don't say sets him off, we fight, and we don't speak for months at a time. The last one was when I wasn't 'emotional' enough to suit him. So, there was bickering at lunch but I ignored him for the most part, concentrating on my cousin.

I spent Saturday through Monday with my family, pretty much non-stop. With this being such an emotional time, everyone was raw and a bit on edge. By Monday night, I had reached my emotional limit. I didn't want to see any more suffering, bear witness to any more sniping, and listen to one more person talk smack about the people who weren't there and couldn't come. There was so much pain and negativity, I was physically exhausted trying to deflect and diffuse it. Why wouldn't you choose to reminisce about the positive things about the departed? I didn't realize how much I had changed until I came back to KC and experienced my family raw and uncut. I found myself wanting to come back to Dallas and only visit again when everyone was back on their best behavior. I only wanted to sit in my mother's kitchen, just the two of us and hold her hand while she cried, not plant myself in the middle of the hurricane. I was overloaded.

My other spot of discomfort came from the fact that I didn't know my uncle that well. When my parents got married, her family essentially disowned her. I have over time, grown extremely close with my aunt's kids but not my uncle's. He was adamant that his family remain isolated from ours, therefore it was a bit awkward to express my sympathies to my cousins, essentially strangers, about their father knowing our family (and fathers') history. However, I will say that one of his kids was extremely open and genuine and I look forward to fostering a relationship with him and hopefully in turn with his siblings. Time heals all wounds right?

I never saw or spoke to my father and barely said two words to my brother. I remember happier times, when my family was intact, when we operated as a team. Now we've gone our separate ways, and I'm forced to wait in the driveway of the house I grew up in like a disrespectful date while my mother changes her clothes. When did this happen? Why? Can it be fixed? Or does it become the plot of some cheesy made-for-tv movie? Daughter has breakdown at father's deathbed after not speaking for years - 'Daddy, I hate you, I love you, I'm sorry!' The thought makes me sad.

At any rate, I was unable to use my sick time so after three very emotionally draining days in KC I had to get in the car Monday night and drive back to Dallas to go back to work.

Sidebar: I took a 5-hour energy drink because I was afraid of getting sleepy. It worked exceedingly well - so well that I got in at 9 and immediately got in the shower and was at my desk by 10:15. Of course, now I'm fighting to keep my eyes open and I want nothing more than to lay on the sofa and sleep the moment I get home. I'm a little shaky too - I don't do coffee or energy drinks so this one majorly affected me. It was a bit odd being wide awake at four in the morning after a two hour nap but at least I made it home safely. As I type, I feel myself slipping fast. Three more hours...