Sad news

My uncle had a heart attack last Monday and the prognosis wasn't good. My mom called earlier this afternoon and told me they were going to take him off the ventilator at 3p. She was crying and I feel so bad for her - for all our fighting and disagreeing I couldn't imagine losing my brother. He's not dealing with it well - yesterday he ripped me a new one for not being upset enough about this. I understand that he's hurting and wants me to feel the same way - this all just sucks.

I'm just sitting at my desk wondering what's happening right now. Is he gone? Was it peaceful? Is he still hanging on or struggling in any way? When people are taken off ventilators they can hang on for days at a time. I hope that whatever the case is, he's not suffering - I hope they've doped him up so he doesn't feel anything.

It's times like this that I really feel the distance from my family. I wish I could just drive over to my mom's house after work and just sit with her. As it is, I'm trying to decide when is the best time for me to get in the car and drive up there. I only have three days of sick time built up and I don't even know if I'm allowed to take for circumstances like this. I don't know why I wouldn't be able to, but of course you don't ask things like that in the interview.

The other thing is whether or not I'll be able to stay in the house if I do go up there. I haven't spoken to my dad since July of last year and I don't know if he'll be a decent human being and allow me to be with my mom or if he'll be stubborn and not let me stay in the house. And of course thinking about my uncle makes me think about my dad. It would so suck if something were to happen to him and we never got a chance to mend our fences. He's so stubborn, he believes he's right and would go to his grave thinking that and that would be just awful.

Death always makes you look at your life and how you're living it - but at the same time no one has the energy or resources to live every day like it was their last. As much as I'd love to make up with my dad, he doesn't see things the same way. But, all I can do is pray that one day it gets resolved before it comes down to a deathbed situation.

My poor mommy...