I'm sick!

After driving eight hours, spending three emotionally draining days with my family, being around my sniffly baby cousin, getting very little sleep, and driving for eight more hours to go straight to work I don't feel good. My throat hurts, my body aches and I just want to go to sleep. I was in bed by 8:45p last night and I didn't even hear Drew come to bed. I'm not even sure I moved last night, if my stiff body this morning was any indicator. I can't stand being sick. Then again, I doubt anyone actually enjoys it.

On a more positive note, Drew and I will celebrate a year together this Saturday! Again, major milestone for me! I haven't ever had a solid year with a boyfriend - I usually get too impatient and break up with them at least once before the one year mark. I'm so proud of the progress I've made - each day I feel more and more like a bona fide grownup! It's not perfect and I know I have a ways to go but every now and then it's encouraging to see how far I've come.

My turning point was truly realizing that the only person I can change is myself. It sounds basic and common sense but I fought so hard and for so long to get others to change so that I could avoid looking in the mirror and confronting my shortcomings. It took a lot of guts to do that and I didn't have the courage until recently. As I've said before, I believe Drew is my reward for that hard work. I've grown so self-aware and have gotten quite comfortable in my skin and I've found a peace that I didn't know I could have. I only wish that I could impart that peace to my loved ones - my family still looks outside themselves for a solution and are still very quick to blame instead of take responsibility. I know that's our human nature, but it's so debilitating. I love that scene from Girl, Interrupted where Winona Ryder gets thrown in the tub and she screams 'Get me out of here!' Then Whoopi Goldberg calmly responds, 'Get yourself out'. If only they could say, 'I got myself into this, I'm going to get myself out'. But, I can only pray that it happens one day. Change won't stick until it comes from within. That's the hardest thing about family - you want to do for them and help them but the second you go away, it goes right back to the way it was before.

I say all that to say that my relationship pattern didn't turn around for me until I took a hard look at myself and took responsibility for what the toxicity I was contributing and simply stopped doing it. However, it doesn't always turn out well - when I stopped engaging my father and getting into screaming matches with him, he stopped talking to me altogether. You can't fight with someone who refuses to fight and I guess he likes to fight more. As a result, I feel a lot more peaceful and confident and I'm much happier. There are just those moments that I wish that this peace didn't have such a high price. I still pray that things will resolve in time - before it's too late.

I can't wait to go home and wrap up in a blanket - I have the chills. :-(

I'll leave with some gratuitous kid pics. My cousins are the cutest! trying on my shoes

The outfit I got her for the service - she had a little white sweater that went with it and she looked so cute! Of course, I'm biased...