Everybody just be cool

I had the most vivid dream last night.  


Drew and I were in our bedroom, but there was a TV in it.  A soap opera was on and a guy was telling someone that he didn't do it - whatever 'it' was.  I was in our bathroom about to take a pregnancy test, but instead of pregnant/not pregnant it was 'so you say' or 'not today.'  Weird right?  It was a plus-sign test but there were two small windows at the six and nine o'clock positions and if you were pregnant you got two black x's in those windows.  I took the test and immediately two black x's popped up.


Then I began brushing my teeth.  We have the Sonicare toothbrushes so they vibrate your head and it's kind of hard to hear someone talking in the next room if you're brushing your teeth.  Even if you hear them, you definitely can't respond because if you open your mouth the vibrating makes the toothpaste go everywhere.  In real life, Drew seems to wait to talk to me until I'm brushing my teeth and it annoys the crap out of me.  He knows I can't hear him, he has the exact same toothbrush!  


Anyway, in my dream Drew was talking to me.  He was like, 'Well?  What did it say?'  I mumbled to him and gestured to my toothbrush, annoyed that he would ask me a question while I was brushing my teeth.  Just as the toothbrush turned off, I woke up.


I was extremely disoriented - for a second I didn't know where I was and if I'd already taken the test, my dream was that vivid.  It was 6:29 in the morning and I was in bed alone and I hadn't taken the test.  As if on cue, I felt the urge to pee and all of a sudden I didn't want to do it. Unfortunately, my body was like, test or no test I'ma make you pee the bed if you don't get up right now!


Ever the negative Nancy, I got up and went to the bathroom to face my negative pregnancy test.  I still have to pee in the cup so I did that and dipped the stick in the cup, wondering if that way is the same as peeing directly on the stick.  The absorbent tip turns pink as it gets wet and I watched as the horizontal line appeared across the first window.  The results window.  


There was no plus sign.


I put the cap on, put it on the back of the toilet and felt the tears burn my eyes.  I put my head in my hands.  The last time I was pregnant the vertical line came right along with the horizontal control line.  Granted, I didn't test until I was almost a week late but if you're pregnant, you're pregnant.


In those seconds, I felt sorry for myself and was already planning on having a drink of the champagne punch in the fridge.  Who cares if it's 7 in the morning.  A couple of minutes later, I heaved a deep sigh, planning to throw out all those cups of pee that were now useless - they only want them if you're pregnant.  I went ahead and put the lid on the last cup and turned again to get the plastic bag sitting on the back of the toilet.

I must have stared for a minute solid, which is a long time to barely blink, breathe or move.  It was faint but it was there.  I didn't even have to squint or find better light.  It was there.  I set it on the back of the toilet and it's been there since then - I've even crept back into the bathroom to see if it's still there and it is.  No evaporation, I'm not groggy anymore and it's there.


Okay, but here's the thing. Just be cool.  This means semi-nothing.  Something may or may not be in there, it may or may not be 'alive.'  I wasn't even going to say anything but my big fat mouth has already gotten me in trouble yesterday.  And it's not like I was going to write that and then be all, 'so what are YOU up to?  Me?  Oh, not much. What's new with YOU?'  Y'all are waaay too smart for that.  You'd be like 'b*tch, stop playing and tell me what the hell happened!'  It's what I would do.


Remember how I said I would know instantly because of the study?  Technically, I haven't even missed my period yet - I wasn't supposed to start until tomorrow or Thursday.  And remember how I said I wasn't going to say anything until it was almost over?  Yeah right.  As if I would be able to go through this without support.  Ha!


However, teeny favor.  Some of you are my friends on Facebook.  I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this a secret, seeing as how my blog link is on my page but it would be super awesome if you only said things here on my blog and not over there.  Just in case things go south, I would like to contain the fall-out as best as possible.  It sucks that the sad comes along with the happy in things like this, but such is life after loss.


So we're all just going to be cool, okay?  No excitement, no freaking out and for god sakes no words that start with 'c' and end with 'atulations.'  Not yet.  If you know me in real life, just pretend business as usual.  I'm serious - nothing.  Not yet.  For real.  Just be cool. (I'm saying this as much for me as anyone else.  Maybe more for me.)


However, if you would please whisper a quick prayer or send some good healthy b*by-growing energy that would be nice.  But nothing more - we're all just breezy.  At least until April 27 - that will be one week past where I got last time.  WHEN I make it that far, I will expect much hootin' and hollerin', because at that point it'll be anybody's game!


But until then, just be cool.