Okay. Fine. I surrender.

Here it is, 6:30 in the evening and I've done nothing truly productive.  This is in part because everything productive was done over the weekend - cleaning house, laundry, dishes, etc.  I did make some phone calls for the guy I'm playing personal assistant to so the day isn't totally shot (more on that later), but that only took an hour or so.  I've been on the computer for the last four hours, wanting to write, willing myself to write.  It's not like I have no content - it was a pretty full weekend complete with a small-ish panic attack and I'd love to share with you but I can't.  There's a big ol obstacle sitting smack in the way of everything else and I've done my best all day to ignore it.  Wanna know what it is?


I'm supposed to POAS tomorrow.  That's the lingo that I've picked up from my newest obsession, thebump.com.  I've joined the 'TTC after loss' forum.  Y'all *know* how much I hate acronyms, but it's kind of unavoidable over there.  Of course, TTC stands for 'trying to conceive.' POAS is 'pee on a stick' - what I have to do tomorrow.


Ever since the lady from the pregnancy study called me just before noon today, I can't stop thinking about it.  She was all, 'I'm just calling to remind you that you'll need to take your urine pregnancy test tomorrow.'  As if I needed any reminders whatsoever.  As if the day isn't burned into my brain.  As if I'm not sitting on my hands to keep from doing it today, knowing full well that it will be just as negative/positive tomorrow and I need to adhere to the guidelines of the study.  


Besides, I don't want to be *that guy*.  The one who can only talk about one subject.  I don't want my blog to be nothing but me whining about not being able to get pregnant - I do have a life and that is but one aspect of it.  But every two weeks it becomes such a freakin huge aspect!!


Naturally, I've been torturing myself with all manner of infertility/trying to conceive blogs and Googling all kinds of terrible things and playing the what-if game with myself.  What if I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Sydrome) and I'm just the one person who shows no outward symptoms?  Just because I have a period every month doesn't mean I ovulate - I just read about it!  I could have endometriosis - I just haven't shown the signs yet!  What if I've got some strange affliction that has no signs or symptoms, you just can't have babies and I don't find out until it's too late?  Or I probably have nothing wrong with me - I'm fit and healthy, I just can't hold babies.  Or maybe the last time was a fluke and that was it for me - no more pregnancies, no babies, no nothing.


I go through some version of this every month.  It sucks.  I'm waiting for the time to come when I'm so numb to the pain that I don't even care enough to ask the questions anymore.  Where I can truly just say 'whatever happens will happen' and mean it.  I also found a site that helps you with ovulation charting because even though I get the happy face on the ovulation sticks that doesn't necessarily mean that I ovulate.  I see that word a lot on these trying-to-conceive sites - necessarily.  Just because you have a period doesn't necessarily mean you ovulate.  Just because you ovulate doesn't necessarily mean they're good eggs.  Just because you ovulate good eggs doesn't necessarily mean they'll get fertilized.  Just because you ovulate good eggs that get fertilized doesn't necessarily mean you'll be able to carry a pregnancy.  Or make it full-term.  Or that you won't have a problem at delivery.  Honestly, it's enough to scare me away from even trying, there are so many pitfalls!  It makes me wonder how in the hell all these babies are even born!  


However, I don't fully consider this a fail post because this blog is about my life and today my life is anxiety over peeing on that damn stick first thing tomorrow morning.  


Okay, I feel a little better - I wish there was a way to unlearn all the things I've Googled since the miscarriage.  I don't want to know everything about my reproductive cycle, my fertile window or my cervical mucus - I know far too much about my cervical mucus.  No one should ever have to know about their cervical mucus.  No one should ever even have to say it.  I haven't yet crossed over to taking my temperature or buying the fertility bible but I have a feeling that's on the horizon.


Yet, if there's one thing the internet has taught me is that I'm not alone and I will get through this - I guess that's two things.  It does help to chat with the other ladies in the forum to give and receive encouragement.  And it is nice to see women who've had mutiple losses 'graduate' and have healthy pregnancies and babies.  It makes me think that perhaps I too will join their ranks.


Another thing that does help is (don't laugh at me please) Giuliana and Bill.  For those that don't know, she's a host on E! and he won The Apprentice and they're married.  It's a reality show - and I bought the season on AppleTV.  And I just confessed that here.  But hear me out - this is the second season and it's all about them trying to get pregnant.  She's done the ovulation sticks and the hormone shots for an IUI (intrauterine insemination) and in the episode I watched today they found out it didn't take.  I'm no fan of reality shows but that moment in the doctor's office was real.  She was all excited until he came in and said 'I'm sorry' and she started crying -  I nearly started crying too!  It was the season finale and it ended with her being very hesitant to go to the next level and start IVF.  I don't blame her - that is serious business.  It's invasive, aggresive, expensive, it could cause permanent damage, and it might not work.


When I watch that show and read some 'triumphant-after-shit-circumstances' blogs, I feel that if they can do it and not go insane then I can too.  If two famous people who seem to have it all can have this problem and still show up for another day, then so can I.  


Even if they both have unnaturally huge scary-white horse-teeth.


Look at that!  I ended my post with a funny!  See, writing makes everything better.