My hands are stinging

From having them slapped.  Both of them.  One from Drew, one from my best friend Doug.  Neither of them read my blog that often, but they both happened to read it and both were not happy with me.  After hearing them out, I see both of their points so I'm writing a retraction-of-sorts to clarify things that perhaps I should have either fleshed out or not written about to start with.


First off, I must clarify my position regarding Drew.  Never EVER do I want to give the impression that he is an ogre, beating me down, belittling me or making me feel bad about myself.  He will say some sideways shit to me sometimes but by and far he is a PHENOMENAL husband.  Doug said I thew him in the grease and painted him in a negative light and told me about myself for that, saying it was very unfair to Drew.  And he's right.  Drew is supportive of me and my dreams and wants only the best for me.  His motives are always pure even if his words sometimes cause me to raise an eyebrow.  I have a wonderful husband and it is my desire to be the best wife I possibly can to him every single day.  For real y'all.  I love that man - so much it makes me cry.  I realize that I can sometimes vent more than I praise and that's not an accurate portrayal.  For all the things he does that make me spitting mad, there are seriously so many more than make my my heart want to burst open with love.


And I have to be honest with myself.  I have not exhausted all job possibilities, trying to find a way to have even a little of my dreams.  I have not researched endlessly and your comments have given me new energy, a new hope that perhaps it is possible.  I may not be able to live in Argentina and have an apartment in Paris but that doesn't mean that I have to give up on it all.  I have my husband's support and it is up to me to decide which path I take.


Now, my conversation with Doug was detailed and he covered a lot of points.  I won't re-create the whole thing but let me share something that really resonated with me.  But first, a story.


Doug is ex-Navy and has done some serious things.  Things you can't talk about and things that still bother him to this day.  Several years ago, I was at his apartment poking around his stuff because I knew that irritated him to no end.  I came across one of his military knives and was playing with it, pretending to attack him.  He asked me if I wanted him to show me how to really handle the knife.  No sooner had I said okay than he grabbed my head, spun me and had the knife at my neck.  Since we were just playing and I knew he would never ever hurt me I was like, "Cool!"  


However, make no mistake.  The smooth and fast (scary fast, y'all) precision with which he moved left zero doubt in my mind that he had done that before and had followed through, if you know what I'm saying. 


That day in his apartment came back to mind when he was lecturing me about wanting to be a trained assasin. That's what's wrong with people.  You see something on tv and think that's how it is in real life.  Let me tell you Desiree, there is NOTHING glamorous about taking someone's life.  Nothing.  Ever.  There's nothing that feels good about it and it's always terrible.  You feel like you're justified because they're the bad guys, but they feel the exact same way about us.  Just like you're somebody's daughter, wife, mother, so are they.  You know better than that.  


*big, heaving childish sigh*  He's right.  *kicking rocks*  I don't really want to be a trained assasin.  *pouty lips*  I've never even been in a fight.  *crossing my arms*  Causing harm to someone is not my idea of fun.  *stamping my foot*  I want to help people get along, not blow them up.  Unless they hurt my kid or my husband or probably even my dog.  Then all bets are off.  I'm just sayin.  But he's right.  And Drew's right.


I never mean to write in a manner that implies I'm feeling sorry for myself - self-pity is not a good color on me.  If I never become a diplomat, it's because I choose not to.  It would never be because my husband doesn't want me to.  If I don't follow my dreams, the responsibility lies squarely with me.  The job thing has always been difficult for me because there have been so many things I wanted to do with my life.  I wasn't like Drew who had a passion for science at a young age and stayed on that path, riding it to the top of his field where he is now.  I've always been a dreamer, seeing myself in a multitude of possibilities, rarely committing to one.  If I were really honest with myself, I've never had true drive in anything other than school and even there I could have done more.  I was smart enough to apply to Ivy-league schools and I bet I would have gotten in straight out of high school but the prospect of leaving my parents was too scary for me. I didn't even want to go to school 30 minutes away!  The only reason I became a flight attendant was that no matter where I was in the world I could get on a plane and fly back home whenever I wanted! 


An anonymous commenter on the last post pointed out that I don't know what I want to do.  He or she is completely correct.  I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  But then again, I'd wager that more people don't know than do.  I genuinely wish that I'd had the presence of mind to choose a path early in life and stick to it - considering that from my present position, it seems a lot easier.  However, you know what they say - wish in one hand, piss in the other and see which one fills up faster!  That's a Texas saying - I'm not that un-ladylike.


Nope, at this stage I must look forward.  What do I want the next thirty-four years to look like?  I've had an awesome life and I have very few regrets - for all the things I haven't done, I've done some really impressive things.  I'll tell you about it one of these days.


It's so easy to get tunnel vision when you get down on yourself - well guess what, I'm shaking it off right here, right now.  I got my spankings, I took my medicine, now it's time to look ahead and get  my game face on.  I have big things in my future (please, Baby Jesus), a wonderful amazing kind and supportive husband, I have my health, a roof over my head and it's going to be just fine.


OH!  I almost forgot to tell you!  The wealth management company didn't want me and you'll never believe why.  They said I was too confident!!  ME!  The one who gets panic attacks on the regular!  My contact at the staffing agency said they wanted someone meeker - her words, not theirs.  She said that while they loved meeting with me, they didn't know that I would be a fit with their team because I was too confident.  Can you believe that?  I wonder if it was because I told them that what was most important to me was an environment where learning and asking questions was encouraged.  It could have been me outlining all I have a lot to offer and telling them I'd love nothing more than to be given the opportunity to excel at my given task and in turn make the company better.  Who knows.


I guess there's not a lot of opportunity to excel when all you're doing is scanning documents.  Meh, I'm sure it's for the best.