No news is.....

you tell me.  Right now, I'm not feeling all that positive.  I don't know why I thought things would progress as they did last time because thus far, it is nowhere near the same.  The biggest difference is that this time, I found out much earlier.  Originally, I thought this would be a good thing but I'm rapidly discovering that the earlier you find out, the more maddening the whole thing becomes.  


Since it's so early, I haven't had the same level of pregnancy symptoms I had the last time.  I've been a little hormonal, my boobs have been a little sore and I've been a little sick to my stomach on occasion.  If I didn't know I was pregnant I would certainly attribute it to something else - being hungry, Drew upsetting me, an upcoming period.  But the increasingly dark lines on the fifth test I've taken say otherwise - for now.  The one thing that I can't attribute to anything else is the need to pee all the freakin time.  Sometimes I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee - like I did at 4:20 this morning.


I woke up out of a dead sleep with the urge to pee accompanied by a noticeable cramp.  Just one - it wasn't an ache, it didn't get worse or better, it simply got my attention.  Each of the times I was pregnant before I felt what I determined to be the implantation cramp before I missed my period but nothing after that point - until now.  Worried, I got up to investigate.


I went to the bathoom, wiped and there was a brownish discharge on the tissue.  It scared the ever-loving shit out of me.  I burst into tears, cleaned up and sat on the bathroom floor crying.  I was convinced that I was miscarrying and I cursed the irony that we were going to the doctor for our 6-week appointment in just a few hours.  I cried that I didn't even get as far as I did last time.  I sobbed, feeling that this confirmed that something is in fact wrong with me.


I crawled back in bed, fell back to sleep and proceeded to have a horrible nightmare about miscarrying.  There was blood everywhere and I couldn't do anything.  I observed myself as I stood in the corner and cried.  Finally Drew woke up around 7:30 and I whispered to him that I was cramping and spotting.  I cried and asked him why this was happening to me and 'I guess we don't have to go to the doctor anymore.'  I asked him to bring me my phone so I could cancel my appointment.


I used my phone to consult Dr. Google and his nurse, WikiAnswers.  They were of no help:  'Cramping and spotting in early pregnancy is completely normal.  Except when it's not.'  All the  things I read said that regardless, I need to see my doctor.  Fine - it's probably better that we get this over with so I can have the surgery this week anyway.


It was with this sunshine-y attitude that we went to the doctor.  I spent the entire morning preparing for the worst and I was dreading the moment she would tell me it didn't take - again.  Of course we had to wait a ridiculously long time in her office - it's not like we could get seen right away!  Oh no!  The torture must be dragged out so it's as painful as possible!  Almost 45 minutes after we arrived, we finally got taken back.


The mood was much different than last time - less giddiness and small talk.  I peed in the cup for them (it seems that's all I do anymore) and waited in our room for my doctor.  She walked in saying, 'Well, don't let anyone tell you you guys have a fertility problem!'  I didn't share her sentiment - so what we got pregnant again quickly.  If I can't hold them, I'm nothing but a one-trick pony.  It means nothing.


However, she was very kind and understanding, knowing that I was a nervous wreck.  She's going to have a look at my progesterone levels this time around - I guess that's the bonus you get when you've had a loss.  Yippee.  That meant bloodwork.  After all was said that could have been said, we went to the ultrasound room.  No more stalling.


From my calculations based on my last period, I should be six weeks today.  My doctor and the sonographer said that since it was so early they might not be able to see anything.  They were right.  There was a gestational sac, but it was so small that the machine couldn't even date it.  According to the sonographer, this means that I'm not six weeks - more like five to five and a half.  According to ME, it could also mean that there's nothing in there to see.  I asked her about the probability that it was a blighted ovum, but she said it's too early to even determine that.  I don't buy it though.  Shouldn't you be able to see something even at 5 weeks?  Shouldn't the machine be able to measure something at five weeks?  


This is why you shouldn't go to the doctor until you think you're at least eight weeks.  By then, you can see something without having to squint and they would be able to definitively tell if nothing is there.  Any earlier and you're guessing, and that's enough to make you crazy.


However, there is still a chance that I am indeed pregnant.  There's still a chance that the cramping and spotting are harmless, even though it's scary as shit.  I haven't had any more cramps like this morning and the spotting isn't bright red, which is a very bad sign.  I know I have to be positive - Drew and my other friends say that since I didn't cramp last time and lost it, maybe the cramping is a good sign.  That maybe the little dude is moving in nice and snug, nailing pictures to the walls and bringing in furniture because he's going to stay a while.


I just wish I knew.  I wish that when she did the sonogram I could have seen a little sign that said, "Hi Mom!  Everything's okay and I'll see you in November!"  That would have been nice.


Instead I continue to wait.  My doctor is supposed to call tomorrow with the results of my hormone levels and she talked about me coming back in a week to do another ultrasound.  I'm not too jazzed about that - I'd rather wait two weeks so there will be something to see.  Then again, if there isn't anything I'd rather know sooner than later.  I definitely don't want a repeat of last time!


This whole thing is not easy and I wanted to thank you all for your kind words and thoughts.  I don't feel as alone in this and I just know that things will be different this time, no matter the outcome because of your support and caring.  


Thank you, thank you, thank you!  You guys are the best!