One-trick pony

12:15 - The nurse called me.  "Tell me something good," I told her.  She said it was good!  My hormone levels were consistent with a pregnancy at this time frame and my progesterone level was an 11.4 and they were only looking for a 5 or above!  For once, I had some numbers I liked.  We chatted a bit more, acknowledging that I'm not out of the woods but I am definitely pregnant and I'm headed in the right direction.  I scheduled another sonogram for April 13th, to just check on things.  I came in to sit at my computer to write a post because I wanted to share my good news.  I have read your comments many times over and you're all right.  I need to remain positive and hopeful and I haven't been because I was so afraid of being vulnerable and getting knocked down again.  


2:00 - The post is only half-written because I keep getting interrupted by the dog.  I can't let her go outside because we just landscaped the backyard and so she has to be on a leash when we go out back.  I was getting really annoyed because the dog goes outside a minimum of fifty times a day and when she can't she whines and it's suuuper annoying.  Then my phone rang.  It was my friend, wanting an update since she knew we went to the doctor yesterday and that I was getting my hormone results back today.  I put the leash on the dog and went outside to chat.  She too gave me the lecture about remaining positive and hopeful and in our newly landscaped backyard I said, "Okay fine.  I won't be negative anymore.  Today, in this moment, Wednesday at 2:13pm I am pregnant and that's something to celebrate.  I will take things one day at a time and I will be happy.  Okay?  Gah!  Now if only this dumb spotting would stop, I could be really happy."  We laughed and I had to get off the phone because I had to pee yet again.


2:20 - I went to the bathroom and there was A LOT of spotting, this time with some clots.  You know what, scratch that - I was straight-up bleeding.  It was still mostly brown but it was tinged with red.  I didn't freak out, reminding myself of your comments and the nurse's words only hours ago.  My levels are fine, she said so!  But I called the doctor anyway.  I got the recording and it said to press zero if you're pregnant and having concerns.  I didn't want to over-react and be the neurotic pregnant person since I was just there yesterday and was told that spotting was normal, yet I pressed zero. The clots did concern me but I told the lady that I wouldn't worry if she told me not to.  She told me to come in as soon as possible.  


Then I sort of detached from myself.  I put the dog in her crate, put on my shoes, picked up my purse and sunglasses and walked out the door just as though I was going to run an errand.  No amount of rushing would change anything and something somewhere in me knew that.


3:00 - On the way to the doctor's office I felt another big cramp, again just one.  It hurt so bad it took my breath and I had to shake my head to keep driving.  Idly, I wondered if that was what contractions felt like.  I talked to Drew and he told me he was coming home that night.  I told him there was nothing he could do even if he came home.  "I can be there for you." That would be nice.


I parked the car, walked into the building, got on the elevator, got off on my floor, turned left, turned left again and opened the door to the office I was in a little more than 24 hours ago.  I signed in and very quietly asked if I could use the restroom, as I could feel the wetness.  In the bathroom, I pulled my jeans down already knowing what I would see.


Bright red blood.  With a big shiny clot right in the middle of my pantiliner.  "Well there it is," I said to myself.  I looked under the cabinet for a pad and awkwardly put that on my thong.  I walked out totally feeling like I was wearing a diaper and I was sure everyone could tell.


Have you ever bled so much you could actually feel it coming out of you?  I certainly haven't and it is not comfortable, I assure you.  Thankfully, they called me back quickly this time and the nurse took my weight and blood pressure and asked me why I was there.  "I'm pretty sure I'm having a miscarriage right now."  Her eyes got wide and she quickly ushered me into a room to wait for the on-call doctor.  She said to get undressed from the waist down.  "Um, I'm kind of bleeding a lot.  I don't know that that's such a great idea."  "Oh, it's okay, the doctor is used to seeing blood.  I mean, she delivers babies."  If I wasn't detached from myself, I would have laughed at the idiocy of that comment.  I wasn't worried about offending the doctor.  *I* didn't want to sit naked in a puddle of blood, thank you very much.


3:30 - The doctor came in and took my history.  When I finished talking, she said it indeed sounded like I was miscarrying and examined me.  Inserting the speculum hurt so much and I began cramping again.  Thankfully, it was over quickly and in a concerned voice she said, "The blood is just coming out.  We're going to do a sonogram to make sure you've passed the sac and if you haven't I'll give you some medicine to help you get it out, okay?  Do you need something for the pain?"  I told her I didn't, that I had pain meds at the house - from the last time.  At this point, it just felt like period cramps and it was tolerable.


I didn't want to get dressed again to walk the five steps across the hall to the sonogram room, but the blood was steadily leaking out of me.  I got one of those pads that look like what you'd use to housetrain a small dog, clenched it between my legs and wrapped the sheet around my bottom half.  In those five steps, I soaked the pad.


3:40 - The sonogram shows a small blob that I can only assume was what was left of the sac, this time much more oblong and flat, deflated like a leaking balloon.  There was also 'free fluid' in my uterus.  I asked if that was blood.  She said most likely it was.  I wondered how I could be bleeding this much and not be lightheaded or something, yet there I was.  Coherent, if not completely detached.


3:50 - The doctor said it looked like the worst of it was over, that I probably passed the sac already.  She said that I will probably bleed for several more days and around two weeks after I've stopped to schedule an appointment with my doctor.  At that time, they'll do the work-up to start ruling things out as to why I can get pregnant but not stay that way, since I'm now a member of the Repeat Miscarriage club.  She said she was very sorry and to call if things got worse.  I walked out of the office and made my way back to my car.


4:15 - I walked into CVS, numbly looking for super absorbent super long pads because I only own tampons and the idea of sticking something up my vagine was NOT appealing.  My phone was going off with text messages from Doug's wife.  She had a baby five weeks ago and had a very difficult pregnancy.  I talked to her yesterday about the spotting and our conversation did a lot to reassure me.  I called her again today to ask if she ever had a LOT of bleeding - she said no.  Standing in the feminine products aisle, I replied to her text:  'Definitely a miscarriage.  Got the sono to confirm.'   


4:30 - I arrived home and immediately went to change the soaked pad.  It is so weird to be able to feel the blood coming out.  I don't like the feeling and really just wanted it all to stop.  I took half a pain pill and Kesha called.  I wasn't expecting it and yet she called at just the right time.  She told me she loved me, that she was so sorry and that she would bring me pumpkin pie if I wanted her to.  It's what I eat when bad things happen to me.  She's such an angel, but I told her I just wanted to be alone for a bit.  I felt like crying alone was what I needed just then.  So I did.


6:30 - I dried my tears and decided I needed to distract myself.  I rented Did you hear About the Morgans? on AppleTV.  Hugh Grant, Sarah Jessica Parker, romantic comedy.  The trailer made me laugh, so I figured it was safe.  


Hey guess what!  They're married but separated and can't stand each other!  Haha!  They witness a murder and have to leave New York and enter Witness Protection in Wyoming!  Hijinks ensue!  Hey guess what else!  He slept with someone else and that's why they're separated!  Do you know WHY he slept with someone else????  Because she's INFERTILE and the sex on demand and baby-craziness got to him!  ISN'T THAT SO FUNNY!!  They fall back in love while dodging the killer and just in the nick of time, the old-timey sherriff saves the day!  Isn't that GREAT!  They return to New York, adopt a Chinese baby and the closing scene is SJP holding her Chinese baby as the camera pans out to her six-month PREGNANT STOMACH while her adoring husband looks on!  ISN'T THAT SO GREAT!  What a great choice for the occasion!  


9:40 - I finished writing and don't feel better.  I have to change the pad again since it feels like I'm sitting in a puddle.  


Everything sucks.  My 'loss' label wasn't supposed to have any more entries.