Time

I'm going home this weekend for Mother's Day and I'm humbled at how quickly time has passed. It was Mother's Day last year that started WWIII with my dad and the last time I spoke to him was July of last year.

Before this time, I had not gone more than a day without speaking to either of my parents and I usually spoke to my dad multiple times a day. Our conversations were never long or involved, more like checking in periodically. So for us to have gone this long without speaking was certainly painful in the beginning, but now it's more like an afterthought. Things are definitely awkward in the family but I can't say that it's been all bad. The past few times I've gone home I've stayed with my best friend or my cousin which has allowed me more time to get out and visit with my other friends in KC. Previously, I would stay at my parent's house and my dad would insist that I go everywhere with him - I was practically glued to his hip and he would make the biggest deal if I went out with friends.

However, I can't say that it's all good. It's weird not talking to my dad and I wish that it didn't have to be this way. But in the same vein, we have both made our choices. He is no doubt the most stubborn man on the planet and when he believes he's right, his conviction is unshakable. Too bad he's the only one who thinks he's right and that he'd rather cling to that over having a relationship with me.

I'm very hurt that he's turned his back on me and has pretty much rejected me. At the height of one of our fights, he told me he wouldn't come when I got married. Why, when we know our loved ones' Achilles heels, do we go there first? Why do we take the cheap shot first? What is the benefit of hitting below the belt? Does it really make you feel that much better to know that you've crushed someone you claim to love?

I want to believe that he doesn't mean it, but at the same time I wonder if I would have the strength to welcome him and forgive him enough for him to be present at our wedding. I pray on that one constantly.

My mom told me the other day that he was beginning to mellow out. My only thought was, 'Oh great, now that he's getting his head around things, everything's cool? He doesn't have to apologize for what he said or how he treated me?'

I pray that God will take this pain out of my heart and leave in it's place a peace that will allow me to forgive my father and once again open my arms and heart to him. And it will have to come from God *cuz I ain't got it*. I want to use my extensive vocabulary to the fullest and let him know in no uncertain terms how little I think of his behavior and how cruel he is. *sigh* But then I remember that no matter how hard I try or how much I want to, I will never be able to inflict the same pain on him that he has on me. Furthermore, I'm not the judge and it's not my place - God will handle things better than I ever could.

I do still love him and it would give me no satisfaction to crush him or hurt his feelings. I couldn't be just full-out mean to my dad. I know he's hurt by the decisions that I've made in my life but it's not like I'm a drug-dealing prostitute or something (no offense to drug-dealing prostitutes - if that's your path, go for it). We just don't see eye to eye on things and I wish we could simply agree to disagree and get on with our lives. But because we disagree, he has chosen not to speak to me, claiming that I'm in fact making him do it. That if I would just live my life the way he feels is right, everything would be just fine.

I was unaware I had such power over him, that I could make him do things. During one of our fights I said as much and then 'commanded' him to be nice to me. It didn't work.

I would really like to avoid some big dramatic scene where he all of a sudden shows up at my five-year-old's birthday party wanting to mend fences. I pray for God to keep my heart from hardening such that I can't forgive him. It's a tall order - I've already gone from anger to hurt to mild indifference and I know those are the first steps to complete detachment. I really don't want that...