My Dad, Part 1

With Father's Day this Sunday, I have been thinking long and hard about contacting my dad. The last time I spoke to him was July of last year, when I brought Drew home to meet my family and my dad chose to isolate himself. Our last encounter was when I went to the house with the intent of talking it out with him and it ended with me storming out after he told me that he wouldn't come if I got married. Of course, other things were said but that's the one that still stings even after all this time.

Last October, I started seeing a therapist because I was having so much trouble adjusting to my life changes and talking things out has always helped me. I had just moved in with Drew in August , September I got fired from my job for the first time in my life and honestly, my dad was always the one I would turn to. Without my confidante, my sounding board, I was seriously lost. However, I began to see that while I saw my dad as my confidante, he was also my crutch and without him I was forced to stand on my own (emotional) two feet for the first time ever. I'm glad to say that I'm much better and stronger for it but this past year has been a mighty struggle.

My dad and I are so much alike in that we are super stubborn and when we believe we're right there is no changing our minds. The only thing is if you never listen to another person's point of view and allow for others thinking differently than you do, you will end up living a lonely life, alienating all but those people who share your exact thoughts and beliefs. My dad is that guy. He is famous for asking 100 different people their opinion on something and dismissing those who don't agree with him. If he finds one person in that 100 who agrees with him, he is instantly validated and whatever he thinks is correct. I have come to disagree with that, allowing for different viewpoints on different issues. My dad would call this wishy-washy, saying that you must stand for something. With him, it's all black and white, gray is for sissies.

One of the things he staunchly stands behind are his opinions regarding my romantic life. My dad is super old-fashioned, believing that men and women shouldn't even be in the same room once the sun goes down. Yeah, ex-military and from the South - I know. He believes that a real man (whatever that is) would do the whole 'courting' thing, that anything less indicates that he has no respect for the woman (me) and therefore is unworthy. The funny thing is, I dated a guy like that and my dad adored him, even giving him permission to marry me! Without my input, consent, nothing! Never mind that this guy had the nastiest temper and a horrible jealous streak which of course my dad never saw. My dad actually had the audacity to claim that I was exaggerating, that he couldn't be that bad! That was the first time I really knew that we didn't see eye to eye and that there would be problems.

So if men and women shouldn't even be in the same room alone together, they definitely shouldn't live together and no way should there be any nightime extracurriculars. That's where he and I parted ways. I believe that at 33 years of age - really, even at 22 years old - my personal life is my business. In the past, I have tried to establish and enforce boundaries but they were more like 'you're not the boss of me' type discussions which further reinforced his preconceived notion that I'm just a 'snot-nosed brat' (I never took offense to this so you shouldn't either). However, at 31 years old, my nose is pretty well wiped and I wanted to foster a more adult relationship with him. I wanted him to see Drew and me as adults and treat us accordingly.

But because I moved in with him, that was that. He stopped talking to me, wanted nothing to do with Drew because he saw Drew as the big bad man who forced and coerced little old me into degrading myself - which is laughable because I'm so independent and stubborn and the last thing I would do is be some shrinking violet subject to the whims of a man.

Ironically, as my relationship with my dad worsened, my relationship with Drew got stronger. Drew forced me to be accountable, not letting me just sit back and let him cater to me (as I'd done in past relationships). He demanded that I be present in our relationship and while it was difficult in the beginning, we're finding that rhythm (hence the title of my blog). And of course, the therapy helped - no lie. It helps to have an intelligent objective third party point out the things that you're too close to see. Now Drew and I have an honest to goodness grown-up relationship without the games and drama (okay, there's still a little drama). It's not easy but it's real and my goodness, he's such a good man. Flaws and all.

I'm not bashing my dad - he's flawed just as we all are, even if his pride won't let him acknowledge it. I just thought it best to get my feelings out before I talk to him so that I don't hear his voice and either start yelling or crying, neither of which will be effective. This is where my head is right now; next week I'll be back with home decorating stuff and dog stories and everything else that makes up the rest of my good life!