My Dad, Part 3 (Final)

When I was in therapy - I hate saying that, it sounds like I was in rehab, but whatever...When I was in therapy, she suggested that I give myself a timeline to make a connection with my dad. Originally, I had wanted to speak to him by Mother's Day. When my uncle passed before Mother's Day I thought I'd be able to make a connection when I went up for the funeral. We all know how that turned out. I continued to live my life, concentrate on my relationship with Drew and set a new deadline to reach out to him on Father's Day. Basically, what the therapist told me is that it's okay to reach out but to be aware as he has hurt me in the past. I called him on his birthday, Father's Day is roughly six months after that, so I felt pretty good about the whole arms-length thing.

Sunday, as I contemplated dialing the phone my heart started racing, I couldn't breathe and I nearly gave up a couple of times. What's it worth? I know there won't be some dramatic reunion so why bother? But I promised myself that I would do it, that deep down I didn't want to give up. So with Drew's support and encouragement I called.

It was very stilted in the beginning.

Me: Hi Dad.

Him: Hello.

Me: You have a minute to chat?

Him: Yes.

Me: Well, I just wanted to call and wish you a Happy Father's Day.

Him: And?

Me: And to tell you I miss talking to you.

Him: And?

Me: And I'm sorry that I chose to let this go this long without us talking. Communication is always the solution, you taught me that.

Him: And?

Me: I get the feeling you want me to say something else. (Which of course I knew exactly what he wanted me to say. That I was moving out, Drew and I would no longer live in sin, that he was right and I was wrong.)

Him: Desiree, how do we improve from here?

Me: Dad, I just want us to start talking again. There is no profound solution. You call me sometimes. I call you sometimes. That's all. (I wasn't going to get in a fight with him but I wasn't going to give him what he wanted).

He then started talking in abstracts, which is what he does when he starts to distance himself from the conversation. He won't address the situation, rather he'll speak in concepts - this time it was the concept of influence and how a parent can't control a child, they can influence. I countered, saying that you can only influence a person to the degree that they're open and receptive to that influence. I can play his word games now, I'm not a little girl anymore. Of course I was right, of course he knew it and I tried to bring the conversation back to the original topic, saying that I hoped we could re-open the lines of communcation. His response?

'Thank you very much for calling, here's your mother.'

I'm strong, but I'm no superhero. I started crying and when my mom got back on the phone I told her I'd talk to her later. I came inside and laid on the bed crying. Drew heard the exchange as I had my dad on speakerphone (I wanted someone else to hear how he is) so he came in right behind me. He brought me kleenex and held me while I blubbered into his shirt that my dad didn't even tell me he missed me too. God, I'm tearing up again just typing that. *shake it off*

Then, Drew looked at me and said something about God having a plan and it's all going to go according to God's plan and honestly I didn't really hear it because Drew was talking about God. My boyfriend, who worships at the altar of logic and reason, my love, my engineer, who believes that there is a rational reason for everything, was talking about God! I don't shove things down people's throats, preferring to live by example and I have prayed about his lack of outward faith many a time. I've been concerned about our children - when I tell them about God will he undermine me, saying I'm wrong, there's a scientific explanation for it all? That faith has no place? Rather than worry over it, I just pray on it and place it in God's hands.

And there he was, seeing me hurting, holding me close, and telling me God has a plan. Geez, I'm tearing up again! I don't even care if he didn't believe his own words, if he was just saying it to make me feel better. It was music to my ears, soothing to my soul. Because of Drew and his strength, I dried my tears and was able to finish what I was doing before I called my dad.

Before long, my dad called me back. My mom made him. By that time, I dried my tears and just listened.

Him: Is there anything else you wanted to say?

Me: I said it Dad. I miss talking to you, that's all.

Him: Well, you know we live in uncertain times and if there were a tragedy similar to what happened a few months ago (my uncle's passing) I just don't know what I would do.

Me: You're right Dad. We live in uncertain times. But I don't think so much about the negative as I do the positive. There are good things that are happening in my life that will continue to happen and you're missing that too. You're missing it all and it shouldn't be that way.

Him: (Silence.) Well, your mom's upset.

Me: I'm sure you'll do or say something to make her feel better or you'll leave her alone until she stops crying and gets over it (more likely) but either way you'll do what you feel is right.

Him: I would never knowingly hurt you or your mother or brother. (implying that I am)

Me: Dad, the only thing we can control is ourselves and our reactions to outside things. If someone was causing you pain, the only thing you can do is tell them that you can't be around them if they're going to continue to cause you pain. You can't force your will on someone and make them do what you want. Especially not another adult, which we both are.

Again, I was right and again he had no rebuttal. What was he going to say, 'Yes I can! I can make you do what I want because I'm the DAD!' Excuse my French but big f*cking deal. Ruling by intimidation never works long term. When you find out that the Great and Powerful Oz is just a little man behind a curtain, your fear suddenly leaves you. And as a parent, it's guaranteed that your children will one day see the flawed human that you are so why not just have them respect you instead of fear you?

Because fear is easier and fear produces faster results. Too bad they don't stick.

And really do you want your children to fear you? It's empty adulation and like I said, you will get found out. Furthermore, fear takes your child's spirit away from them. You can't teach them to fear you and nothing else - it's not mutually exclusive; they will grow up to fear everything to some degree. I'm not talking out of my ass either, I'm speaking from experience. That was kind of vulgar, but I'm leaving it - I feel very strongly about this.

As for my father, I reached out. I will call him again on his birthday and I will continue my life. I will make positive memories with positive encouraging people who love me and my boyfriend and everyone else can suck a nut. Okay, that was really vulgar but I'm leaving that too.

Raw and uncut - that's the way it is sometimes.

PS - Sorry if this is hard to read - I've tried to space between paragraphs about 12 times and it's not taking. If anyone has any tips to make it work, please let me know.