Turning to mush

You know how mothers of little kids sometimes say they forget how to have adult conversation because they're around little ones all the time? That's how I feel at my job. I seem to remember this smart, articulate capable woman that has somehow been replaced with a bumbling half-wit. This morning my supervisor asked me to call security rather hurriedly and I dialed a 4 instead of a 1 in the number and got a little flustered. It seems small but yesterday she wanted me to put some papers in order and even gave me a list of the order they were to go in and I was left with one paper that wasn't (seemingly) on the list so I called her. It was on list, written in on the side and had I taken in the whole paper instead of glancing at the list I wouldn't have needed to call her and thus look like an idiot who can't even read.

A bunch of these little mistakes pop into my head and torment me constantly. It makes me think that maybe I should just stay a receptionist, that anything more I would screw up. But then the smart part of me says that's not the case, that I'm simply not being challenged consistently. It's like the mother who spent months chasing after toddlers all of a sudden asked to give a corporate presentation or an overweight person who sits on the sofa all the time suddenly asked to sprint down the street. It can be done but it won't be pretty.

So what to do? I sit at my desk all day, looking at design blogs, browsing the internet, writing on my own blog and then when I'm called to action I flounder. But the alternative is to constantly be at the ready, waiting for someone to ask me to do something and in the meantime poke my eyes out from boredom. This is so frustrating. I get mad at myself, knowing that I can do better than this, yet doubting myself when I can't even dial a phone number correctly.

*sigh* It would be nice to be as busy as the other people in the office.